Wednesday, November 5, 2008

The election for the next US President is over. I am not happy about the results, but if McCain can be such a hero and be so classy when conceeding, I can too. So congratuations Barack Obama, and your supporters. Now, please, follow through with what you promised.

I am having enchiladas for lunch today to make myself feel better about how sad I am regarding this election. Comfort food.

Men still confuse the heck out of me. Maybe more later. I have to go to lunch now.

Monday, November 3, 2008

A real entry...

So yes, my hair is black now. On Friday evening I went to the salon and had all of the color stripped from my hair from 10+ years of regular coloring, and black is where I ended up. I knew it was this color, it has just been been a VERY long time since I have seen it. And there was a little more gray than I would have liked to see on myself, considering I am only 25, so I did get that covered. :)

On Saturday, I was just hanging out, in the morning. I woke up earlier than I expected to, and lazed around until around 10:30, and then I drove up to the storage facility where Mason (the group putting on Scrooge) builds their sets and stores everything. They were needing some help with building and painting and everything, so I was more than willing to get up there and give a hand. Plus, it was a good chance to see M because I knew he would be there!

I wound up helping with some paper mache, which was enough to make me giggle. I mean, I grew up using the flour and water paste and tearing newspaper strips because my mom was always making the pinata every year. She always says (jokingly, mostly) when people ask why we have a pinata, that it is to celebrate our Mexican heritage. Obviously, we are not Mexican, but it makes people laugh when she says it, as she is so deadpan in her delivery.

So I covered an exercise ball in newspaper strips (don't ask me why she was using her exercise ball rather than a giant balloon!), which is going to later be turned into a turkey. A gigantic turkey that Scrooge purchases for the Cratchits. I would really like to be the one to continue to construct the turkey, as I do have a lot of experience because of these pinatas, but I know Kally does a lot of it during the day while I am at work. So that makes it kind of tough to really invest my time helping out. But we had a lot of fun while we were there, and we got a lot done. So things are definitely coming along with the set and such now.

I was there for a few hours, and yes, M was there too. On the way home, I stopped at this antique store that I saw on my way out there. My mom and I are collecting antique Christmas ornaments and making them into wreaths for friends and stuff. She made one for herself last year, and it turned out very cool, so I am making one for some of my friends for next year. So I stopped to see if they had any. Mom has generally been getting them on ebay, but has occasionally found some at the antique shops, so I figured I would stop and see. No luck, but now I know, right?

Saturday night was the pirate party. My friend Bryan went as Jack Sparrow, and I as a very sexy Elizabeth. At least, that is what Bryan spent the entire night calling me. We had a blast. No M (as he is lame and I am about to give up on him) which left Bryan and I texting him at the party saying Will Turner lost his chance, etc, so that was funny.

Not sure where to go next...

I still really like him, quite a lot. I just have no clue what he is thinking.

Bryan walked me to my car as I was leaving the pirate party on Saturday night. He seemed really worried that I was going to be very sad (as in, might cry even!) because M didn't show up at the party and I had such high hopes for the evening. I did have very high hopes (I guess that is just my style) but I certainly was not going to cry or anything. I was not THAT upset. But darn it, I wanted to get everything figured out really badly so I would know how to continue on. Grr...

Thursday, October 30, 2008

I have decided in an attempt to divide my life (since I don't really want a lobotomy), I am going to write strictly about doctors, meds and moods in my other blog. This one will be for men, rehearsals, life in general. That way I will be keeping them both up to date in general, and I will have a division. Somewhere to go no matter what strikes me.

So here is my regular, standard, write an entry journal/blog-ness.

So things with M are still up in the air. I am still not sure what he is thinking or what it is that he wants from me. I feel like I have made it quite clear that I want him. If I have not, I am going to speak about it very directly at the party on Saturday night, provided that he comes to it. Meaning, he better come to it. He mentioned it to me briefly yesterday, and so I am assuming he at least is considering it.

Last night he asked if we could save a seat by us for him at Willie's (the bar we always go to on Thursday nights). We did not save him a seat last week, and he was pretty upset over it because it stuck him at a different table with some people that we don't really like all that much. Poor guy. Well, so I basically told him (since I now hold the power) that if he wanted me to save him a seat at the "cool kids table" that he would have to go to the pirate party. I have yet to get a response to that.

C and I are... well, we are what we are. There is really no way to look at us and slap a definition on to us. I mean, we have such a weird relationship that there is pretty much no way that anyone outside of us can understand it. Hell, I don't even understand us! I just know that the sex has always been so great it is a really tough thing to question. I mean, wow. We really do have that down, even though we have nothing else some of the time. Most of the time. Hell, C makes me crazy! But I still want him... Pretty much all the time...

Monday, October 13, 2008

My normalization is getting better. It is stabilizing. I am stabilizing. I think I might delete this in favor of my other? But I cannot decide. Where do I write about what?

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

I go through periods of craziness. I can be completely crazy. I also go through periods where I try like hell to force myself to be normal. Today I am trying like hell to force myself to be normal.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Well, I finally called a psychiatrist. I am nervous about having to pay for it, but I suppose if he can help me to be better, than I will deal with the cost of it. I suppose there are some things that you just have to suck it up and deal with in order to be a stronger, healthier, person. And unfortunately for me, spending money to get healthy is one of them.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

I just haven't been able to bring myself to write lately. Not at all. No journaling, no blogging, no webook... nothing. I think my brain is completely screwed up. I have been feeling completely non-functional lately, and it has been really hard, especially since I am expected to work a lot and hard, and well.

I am exhausted, and yet my brain constantly runs at a mile a minute. I am feeling cranky and tired, and I am truly unsure of how to handle myself anymore.

I am supposed to be increasing the dosage of my medication last night, but I unfortunately forgot about it. So I only took one pill instead of two. Oops. I am sure one more night of the low dose is not going to hurt me at all, but still, if I can do anything to make all of these feelings a little bit better, then I want to do it!

I am beginning to feel extremely tempted to call the psychiatrist to try and get a handle on my meds, and possibly going back to the therapist because I am feeling guilty about dumping on my friends all the time. Hell, I am feeling guilty about dumping in my other blogs, because then I feel like I am dumping on the people that read it. Its sad really, and a little bit silly, but it is how I am feeling and it is what is going on with me.

This one is the only one that I have that is pretty much private, so I am writing here now. But on the other hand, NO ONE can see my paper journal, and I am not writing there. The reason for that is, I am honestly having a little trouble holding a pen. It is like the grips in my hands have broken. I can't hold things anymore. I am not sure what happened or how it happened or anything. It stresses me out beyond anything that I can understand, and I am feeling like a constant waste of space.

I am non productive, non functioning, and a failure at life.

I know it sounds like I am just incredibly down on myself, and let me be perfectly honest... I am. I am feeling like a person that I hate right now, someone that I don't want to be anymore. I have been trying to "fix" myself for the last seven years, and finally it seems like I know what is going on with who I actually might be, and now I feel like I have even less control over myself and who I am than I ever did before!

I feel like my head is working less, I feel like I am less satisfied with who I am and what I do, and I just feel completely overwhelmed by life and what it is these days. I feel like I am the wrong person and I am not myself in any way. I feel like I have lost control over every single aspect of my life and I hate it... So much.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

I haven't decided yet if today will be a better day or not. It is the last full day of my week since I have the bridal luncheon tomorrow, and then I am off for the wedding on Friday, so that is a good thing. I am just still feeling so stressed and so overwhelmed. It is kind of unbelievable. I am not sure what took me to this point this time (as I have certainly been here before) but I hate feeling like this.

If I were still with Chris or even with Jon, they would both be telling me the same thing now. And that is, "its a choice, Em, just choose to be happy, choose to be calm." and I just feel like it is not that simple for me. I mean, maybe it is, and I just do not know how to operate myself in a fully functional way or something, but it does not work for me to just say "I'm fine" and then be that. I just can't do it. Don't people think that if I could do that, and if it worked, I would? I mean, no one wants to feel the way that I do all the time.

I feel completely screwed up that I can't do as they suggest and just turn it off. I want to. I want to be normal and have fun and not have to worry about things. I want to not feel stressed out every time ... well, all the time. Because that is where I am at right now. I am feeling constantly stressed out. I am always overwhelmed. I often feel the need to run and hide under the covers or under my desk (there seems to be something about hiding underneath things right now). But I am also in that want to run around screaming and singing place. I think that place is called... mania?

I am in a bad, attention craving sort of place. I find myself texting the young'n, simply because I know that he will feed my ego, and I could use that sort of thing right now. I am beginning to wonder, am I feeling really down on myself, or do I actually have a huge ego? Hmmm... I think maybe it depends on the day. I do crave attention, which I think show a little of the manic side.

I have yet to be officially diagnosed as bipolar. I often wonder about that. It is something I think I might want to bring up to Dr. Merling at some point. Do I need a stabilizer in addition to my anti-anxiety, anti-panic type drugs? I don't know. Do I even want to be diagnosed? Yes and no. Reasons to follow.

YES:
1. I can begin to try and find that perfect blend of meds that will keep me somewhere in the middle.
2. I will finally have an honest and upfront explanation for why I tend to behave the way that I do, therefore, making me feel less guilty on those days when I don't function at all.
3. I can quit wondering and just learn to manage the disease.

NO:
1. Insurance is hard to get once you are diagnosed with a severe mental illness.
2. Will people who don't know me as well begin to judge me if they find out, for instance, men in my life?
3. If I am diagnosed, will I truly begin to consider myself as a crazy person? Will I truly BE a crazy person?

But I suppose it is better for me to know what is going on with my body and mind so I can properly treat it, regardless of what else I might have going on.

I don't know. I just really wish I knew what was going on with me and why I am feeling the way that I do so often lately.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

I have once again completely managed to lose my focus. I am beginning to doubt my abilities in my career as well as in life. I am terrified of sinking into somewhere dark and deep as I have been so many times before.



But then, sometimes I drop some weight when I do that. Which is definitely something that I want to do more than anything else.

I actually came out to EM last night and told her it was time for operation starve. Of course, that caused her to freak a little bit as expected. But I figured if anyone would understand, it would be her. After all, she comes from quite the similar background.

The more we learn about each other, the more we really seem to be twins. We have a ridiculous amount of things in common. I really love her.

I am feeling ridiculous. I am depressed, down in the dumps, and want to crawl in a hole and disappear at the same time that my mind and thoughts are racing, and I don't (can't) sit still. I don't know what that means, but I am feeling really screwed up right now. It seems unusual to have two things that are such polar opposites going on in my head at the exact same time. It does not seem like that should be allowed.

At lunch I am going to take a walk down to the library in hopes that maybe being outside and going for a walk will help to clear my head. I have absolutely no idea if that will work or not, but I figure it might be worth a try, right?

I sent a panicked email to my mother, which I am now deeply regretting, because I hate having other people know how freaked out I get. I have become a perfectionist at hiding whatever it is that is wrong with me. I don't even really want to hide it. I want to scream out loud at anyone and everyone who could or would care to hear me. I want to sit and cry. I want to run around and never stop. I want to throw myself into someone's arms sobbing until I can figure out what it is that I am supposed to be doing with my life.

I thought I knew. I really did. I thought this was it.

Could I have been wrong? Could I truly not be cut out for this public accounting world? Could I really not be management material the way that everyone has always been telling me that I am? I am really just a complete fuck-up? Cause that is how I have been feeling for quite some time now. Pretty much since I wasn't good enough for Chris. Even though I know that he is not a good man, especially not for me, the whole thing has made me feel like a failure. I failed at that, therefore, I fail at life.

Something is wrong with my brain.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

I am feeling slightly better today than yesterday. A bit less self-destructive, which is always a good sign. I think the sex desire was overwhelming my ability to think clearly. I spoke with B last night, which helped to reinvigorate how much I am kind of starting to like him, and therefore cooled down my urge to destroy anything there.

I am proud of myself for that.

Granted, my self-destruction still exists in many other places. For instance, in my desire to starve. I definitely still want to do that. I am going to start being extremely careful about what things I let into my body because I am currently feeling so uncomfortable. I know that I am apparently back to healthy looking or whatever, but I am still feeling miserable. I am higher than I have been in a while, a long while, and it is freaking me out a little. I HATE it.

So my first goal is 115. I am not that far from it. The next after that is 110 and maintain. 110 is not too too thin for someone of my size, and I feel comfortable at that weight.

Gah. I just have to make this happen so I can feel comfortable with no clothes on.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

I have been lying, I think. Lying to everyone. They think I am okay. They think I am back to regular, normal Em. And in some ways I am. I am over Chris. Finally. And that is a major major thing.

But the rest of me is still a little broken. Every time someone mentions how "healthy" I look, I hear fat in my head. I am completely unsatisfied there.

I have the desire to cause trouble for myself and everyone else involved. I want to go out there and make major mistakes because I know that in the short run, they will be enjoyable. I also know that in the long run, I would be making major mistakes.

I am feeling completely self-destructive.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

I have been spending some time thinking... trying to decide if I actually hate Chris for everything that has happened. Trying to decide if I blame him for a lot of my falling apart, at least a chunk of it. Trying to decide if because of the ridiculous amount of devotion that I gave to him I lost it at work, I felt like I needed to be thinner, I was stressed beyond myself all the time.

Its frustrating to me. He is frustrating to me.

On the bright side, I am going to the opera tonight, which I am very excited about. I am also having a drink with Ben afterwards, which is also fantastic. I am starting to like him quite a lot, and I don't mind that at all... But if I don't get kissed tonight I am going to be mad. Its time for a kiss, I think.

Tonight will be our 5th date. Phil kissed me for the first time after the 3rd. So its time. Granted, with Ben there is a much stronger possibility that the kiss will turn into a full blown make-out which could lead me back to his apartment, etc. At least, that could be nice. And I would definitely be up for it.

But no sex. Not the first time. We could make out all night and then cuddle until morning, but no sex. Because.... I got my period! Hooray! No more worrying about what was going on with John the firefighter, as cute as he was, because there is no way I was ever going to see that guy again, and so I didn't want a part of him to permanently be a part of me.

So today will be a better day... I hope!

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Something is really wrong with my brain today, I think. I am feeling really stressed and overwhelmed. I am about to take a Valium for the first time in a few weeks. I have been avoiding them recently because I have not needed them for anything, and it is one of those "take as necessary" kind of things.

Chris has me all shaken up about things, again. I am so angry with him right now, I am not even sure what to do. I am seriously to the point of really hating him. He has completely ruined any chance of friendship that I feel like we might have had or could have had. I am just so absolutely furious.

Its like once again, months after we break up, and even after I have moved on and felt good about moving on, he has reentered my brain and it makes me want to cry all over again.

I hate him so much!

And now that he is on my mind, I am starting to freak out about all kinds of other things... For instance, its now three weeks after my random sex encounter. I am on the pill, and we used a condom, but since I am already in freak out mode, I am now afraid that what if I don't get my period this week like I am supposed to? That is definitely not something I could handle right now.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Okay. I made all of yesterday's goals, which I am very proud of.

So now I am going to set today's goals:
1. rehearsal
2. some straightening at home
3. see Ben
4. shower/shave
5. find someone to go the the opera with me

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Today's goals:
1. Go to the gym
2. No drinking - at all
3. Shower and shave
4. meet friends for dinner
5. talk to Ben

Friday, July 18, 2008

I went over my alloted yesterday, and I am quite disappointed in myself for doing so. It was the fact that around 4 pm I got hungry and ate a bunch of combos. I would have been great if it hadn't been for that.

But I was pretty close despite that, so today will be better. Today will be lighter.

I know I probably sound ridiculous. I only weigh 115 lbs and am 5'6". That is not fat in any way, shape or form. I know this. But it does not mean that I am comfortable with myself being this way. I'm not. I just feel... soft.

Last night was three hours of dance. It was a decent rehearsal, considering the fact that it was the first one we had an accompanist for. Lara came to go through the cuts in the music and play a bit for us. I am so glad she was there, because I hadn't looked at anything hardly myself. So we got several of the more difficult songs looked at and taken care of.

I was proud of myself because when I got up there to do my song, I decided I was just going to sing. I wasn't going to worry about the accompaniment, I wasn't going to worry about the rest of the chorus singing with me, I was just going to do it. And so that is what I did. The song started and I just went with it. It turned out to be the first one that we didn't have to run twice. I wanted to run it a second time because Becca added a few character things for me that I wanted to work on, but we didn't need to. So that was fantastic.

We finally felt like we got blow gabriel in a decent place as well, which is good because Georgiana and I felt like we were the only two who were singing the first time we ran through it. And so then, we picked it apart and ran through it in pieces. I felt okay with my part in the beginning but now I feel more strong in it, now that the way that I had been singing it was confirmed.

Okay, besides my "diet" and the show...

B. I talked to him finally last night. He text me on Tuesday, then called Wednesday (but I was still rehearsing) and left me a voice mail. He said that he was going to play poker with the guys, but definitely wanted to get together over the weekend. Actually, he didn't say that he definitely wanted to get together, he said he would "love to see me". So I sent him a text saying that I didn't want to interrupt poker night, but give me a call and we'll find some time for each other this weekend.

So last night we figured out the only time that we both have available is Sunday afternoon, so we are definitely going to get together then. I am really excited. I like this guy a whole lot.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Rehearsal last night... That is a pretty standard thing for me these days. I am rehearsing about 4 nights per week now, as opening is only 3 weeks away. We ran the majority of the show. Granted, we don't have an orchestra or even an accompanist at this point (stressing me out a little bit...) but we did get through quite a bit of things with the CD and such last night.

I had a dreadful moment of panic relating to my body image though. At the very end of the show in the closing number, there are the 4 "couples", Moonie and Bonnie, Evelyn and Reno, Hope and Billy, and Whitney and Mrs. Harcourt. So obviously that puts Claude and I together. Now Claude is a tiny guy. I mean, he is probably like an inch taller than me, and probably weighs about 5 lbs more, at the most, and I am a thin girl. Now I was supposed to sing a line, and then jump into his arms. So we ran it like that a few times. But apparently my fat ass is too heavy for him, because the second time we did it last night before we started he told me not to jump. So I didn't. And now we aren't doing it anymore.

So yeah... Here I am doing all of these tracking things in an attempt to get myself in the best shape of my life, and Claude can't even pick me up in a basket catch? Dammit.

At least Mark could lift me. We did a little work with "Let's Step Out" last night as well, and so he got a chance or two to show off the fact that he could lift me, so at least someone can so I didn't feel like a total fat ass.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

I am afraid. I hate when I get like this. I did hear from B last night after all, but just in the form of a few brief texts. Does the fact that he got in touch with me at all mean he is interested? Or does the fact that he text me rather than call mean that he is about done?

I have no idea, and that kind of sucks. But I suppose it is one of those things... I am just going to have to wait and see what happens.

My plan is to test him in the late morning and tell him that I hope he has a less stressful day today, and let him know that if he wants to meet me for a drink or a bite to eat on Friday night I would be up for that. I figure it is really all I can do at this point. You know, ask him out myself and hope that he responds. And then if he does (and hopefully he will!) we'll have to see how the date goes. It will be the third, and so I would be hoping for the first kiss. I feel like if I get the third date, if I get the first kiss, then I can stop worrying so much.

After all, it is not like we're not both completely slammed with our schedules right now. I work from 8-5 and then rehearse 4 nights per week. He sleeps in, drives an hour to wear he works, gives lessons all afternoon, and then has his own rehearsal 5 nights per week. I mean, how on earth are we supposed to work schedules like that? I have to keep reminding myself of that so I don't freak out.

And also, what the hell is wrong with me that I am even tempted to freak out at all? I have only been on two dates with this gentleman, and while he is very sweet, caring, considerate, and fantastic looking, I shouldn't already be falling for him. I mean, isn't that impossible? If it is not impossible, then it should be, so I don't end up defeated. Again.

Growl. I wish I could relax and go with the flow a little better here.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

food and sex

So yes, I am recovering. I am thoroughly making a good effort to become the woman that I really want to be. I have been making a huge effort lately to condense my life into a calendar/ task list/ organizer in the form of my blackberry. With my new job, they allow me enterprise email access on the Blackberry, and so I have had that all the time now, which has helped me with the calendar/condensing stuff.

I have been trying to make lists of goals and subgoals lately that will hopefully help me to be the best and strongest possible woman that I can be.

I am getting healthy weight-wise, which is a good thing, but it is also a scary thing for me. As anyone with an eating disorder knows, it is really tough to gain weight back, even though you know that you need to basically in order to survive. I hate it, it makes me miserable, but I know how important it is. So I have added a new goal for myself which is related to my weight. It is something that will hopefully keep me at a healthy weight, but at the same time, will also make sure that I am feeling okay about my weight, and myself.

I am going to begin keeping strict track of what I eat. I am going to do some research on what kind of ratios to be eating foods in, meet food goals daily and track everything on fitday.com or fitday PC. Here are the goals relating to food/weight as I see them:
1. Maximum of 1800 calories per day
2. track all food and exercise on fitday or fitday pc
3. wear heart rate monitor when exercising
4. minimum 8 glasses of water per day
5. max of 30% calories from fat
6. max 15% of calories from alcohol (some days will be an exception on this one!)
7. exercise minimum of three days per week (dance rehearsal counts as one day)

So that is a big one for me. I am feeling like crap about the gain.

But like I said, unrelated to the food thing, I have finally been able to move on. I don't know that I am "over" Chris, I don't know that I will ever be completely over him. But on the other hand, I am okay now. I am ready for something new. I am finally comfortable enough with me and the breakup that I feel like maybe I CAN be in another relationship. And I might even be ready for that, or at least to take the steps to find a potential suitor or two who might be interested in possibly thinking about a relationship once we get to know each other and come to that mutual agreement or whatever.

I have found a potential candidate. We will call him B. He is a professor of music at a nearby university and is an opera singer. We have been on 2 dates so far and had an amazing time. We also have talked on the phone fairly regularly, and I feel like we are getting to know each other pretty well. I am really liking him, so I am hopeful that he feels similarly.

But of course, I being me, am already falling into sabotage mode. I am already feeling afraid that since he didn't call me yesterday he must not like me anymore. I don't know why I am always doing that. We have only been on two dates so far! I shouldn't expect to hear from someone that I have only been on two dates with so far to call me daily. I shouldn't. I need to wrap my head around all of this as easily as possible. I need to remember the way that men work and that it is okay, that I am ok.
Wow, a lot has happened since I last updated this blog. I might have to come back to it more seriously now though, as I feel that I really can be more open and honest here than anywhere else (other than a personal, handwritten journal that no one ever sees.)

So, Chris and I broke up. It was one of the more disasterous things to ever happen to me. I very nearly lost my mind completely. I did for a few days there, I think.

I allowed myself to disappear completely. I saw no one, talked to no one, didn't eat, slept a lot. I was a disaster. I cried all the time. My weight hovered around 100 lbs. I was an absolute train wreck, who had no idea what to do or how to survive without her partner.

Of course, this "partner" of mine had only been in my life for around 9 months. I have a hard time believing (now that it is over) that I could let someone into my life so completely and so permanently in such a short amount of time. I am angry with myself for allowing him in. I should know better than that.

Oh well, I suppose it is a little too late for major worries about things like that now. I did, he broke my heart, and I lost my mind.

After spending some time away from the world completely, I finally reintroduced myself to my social life. I began by bringing my girls back in. I started to see the theater folks again. Julie and Lara especially, as I really feel close to them, pretty much all the time. They are my family. They especially became even more of my family then, when I just lost the people that I thought of as my Cincinnati family (Chris and his mom). So it was great to have them in my life during one of the most trying things that I have ever had to face!

I opened up to Katie a bit as well. Not as much, because for reasons that I am still unsure of, she just does not feel like family to me. I am beginning to feel like that is because she is not a friend that I made on my own. I met her and was rather forced to become friends with her because of my relationship with Jon. Not to say that I don't love her, I do, and I always have. It is just sometimes easier to have a strong friendship with a friend that you made on your own. And my theater friends I have done that with.

Anyway, eventually I felt the need to cut Chris out of my life completely. He decided he did not want to take a step backward and go back to where we used to be, and so we tried the friend thing. That didn't work out because apparently I was "trying too hard" to be the girl that I was when we first met. Silly me, I thought that was part of our problem! So the friendship thing ended at that point. I guess we gave it a try. But when that happened, although it led to some slight hysteria on my part, I finally was beginning to feel free of him for the first time since we broke up around a month before!

I signed up for some online dating stuff, I started meeting some new people, I got a new job, I got a lead in a show... I mean, my life has taken a new turn!

Saturday, April 19, 2008

I have not written here in ages, it seems. But I needed this place, I think. I needed to be able to write somewhere that people have not been following me for the last 5 years or something. I needed some seclusion where I can spill everything and not feel ashamed for all of the trouble I have created for myself.





Life has fallen apart around me.





A brief list of things that have gone wrong recently.





1. My eating disorder is back in full force. I am trying to control it, but things are always falling apart that cause me to not eat or cause all of the things that I have eaten to come out of my body rather quickly and in some forms that I don't really like. I am losing weight. Lots of weight considering that I was only around 115 lbs (slightly underweight) to begin with.





2. Chris and I have broken up. A lot of it has to do with my sickness and all of the results from it. I have done this horrible turn around and become that woman that I hate that I always tend to become when I am in a relationship. I am completely in that terrible state where I rely entirely on that other person (him) for anything that I might need. I always manage to get myself like that when I get into a relationship. I wasn't like that before he and I made our relationship official. When we were just dating and pseudo-in a relationship, there was never this problem. I was myself. I was confident and comfortable and I spent time with other people. And then we become official and I become this weird other woman. This woman who is helpless and needy. I hate the Emily who is like that. Very much. I am working on it really hard and trying to be the woman that I want to be. I want to be a strong and independent woman. I know that I have that ability because I have been that woman before. I feel like if I can be that woman again, he might eventually love me. Again. So we're working on it. Being friends right now.



I kind of hate it. How things are right now, I mean. I am on so many pills and such right now that although I am beginning to feel a little bit better, I mostly just feel kind of drugged up. Loopy. They calm me down, but I am definitely not sure that it is the right answer for me. I just feel like I need them already.




3. My job has completely fallen apart. It fell apart months ago, but it has finally come to where I think it is completely over. I have been looking for a new job for some time now, but the right thing has not really come up yet, I don't think. And then on Wednesday of this week, I got called into Mike's office to discuss my year-end review. And there I had another mental breakdown in his office.



When I got in there, he had my self-review printed out. He had some stuff highlighted on it. He pointed at what was highlighted. As soon as he did, I burst into tears. It was absolutely uncontrollable. I sobbed and cried and apologized and fellt like garbage about it.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

So I read the second Twilight book in its entirity last night. Well, okay, I guess not all last night. I started it at lunch time yesterday. I am really loving these books. I bought copies for myself last week on B&N.com and they are supposed to be delivered today. So if my boss doesn't bring me the third today, I just have to wait until I get home to get it. But darn it, I am wanting to read it right now!

I am supposed to go out with Katie tonight and meet her high school best friend (whose name also happens to be Katie) who is another member of the wedding party. Naturally, since it is Katie, we are supposed to meet at Starbucks, but, if you haven't heard the news, Starbucks, every single location in the country, is closing at 5:30 today. It is only for the evening, so there is no reason to panic. http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,332594,00.html

But of course no Starbucks tonight does create some kind of panic in Katie. I can just hear her freaking out as I tell her starbucks is closing tonight. And I don't even have time to tell her that they'll be open again in the morning. Cause she has to hurry and call her mother because this is absolutely awful news! Eh, I'll send her an email before she has a heart attack over it.

So yesterday's phone call... It went pretty well I think. It was with someone from HR. It was more of a chance for her to get to know me better and therefore know where to place me as far as which section of tax (since they have more than one department.) Of course, it is busy season, and so things are not going to move as quickly as they normally would on something like this. I let her know that I completely understand that, and that it would be bad form to make a move in the middle of busy season, but the opportunity came up and I had to take it.

So she is going to pass on my information to the tax managing partner over there. She said she should hear something back from him by the end of the week, and it will be much easier for us to talk next steps at that point.

So all of that is good, I suppose. It is really all that I can ask at this point. She wanted to talk to me before passing on my information so she could better understand where I was coming from and what I wanted to get from this switch. We established that it is great that I am an experienced hire with two years under my belt, and that since I am coming from a background of work that is similar to what they do, those are both very big strengths that I have. So until the end of the week, I'll just have to work hard here (when there is work to be done!) and wait it out.

Of course, I made a huge dent in my work for the week yesterday, and now have not a whole hell of a lot to do today. What kind of busy season is this? The managers keep saying "next week, next week" and every time next week comes, we get NOTHING! It is honestly starting to worry me. There is not anything to be doing now, and we have a deadline coming up very very soon. Gosh darn it. This really sucks.

I got the print copies of the Christmas picture of Chris and I finally. I put them in the cheapy frames that I bought at Wal-mart. I gave one to him, which is on his desk at the office. The other one of me that he has there is more hidden because it is us more-or-less making out onstage. But before I gave it to him I showed him two pictures, and he didn't like the one, so the making out one was the best choice!

So did anyone else see that Victoria's Secret Swim is now in a ton of stores? Here it is not in the one downtown, but I totally understand that. That one is not that busy ever. But the other two that I have been to around here are carrying it. Sweet! Definitely where I am buying this summer's bikini for me and Chris's vacation that we are not taking, and therefore will be sitting in the sun on his back deck. Eh, at least we might have an evening to do this...

I hadn't even thought of the consequences on my vacation time of leaving this job. I have some time built up around here, that I am going to be losing. I wonder how all of that works at the other firm... Oh well, I have to keep remembering the positives of this decision. I have talked myself into and out of it so many times now. One minute I have a million strong arguments for wanting to change. The next I am terrified because I am afraid that by leaving here, I am giving up. That is probably a silly thought.

Last night I actually cried to Chris about it though. The fact that this place gave me a chance when I was a student, when no one else wanted me. So in my mind, part of me thinks, "How could I leave the only place that gave me a chance?" On the other hand, my experiences here have led me to believe that I might certainly be better off elsewhere. Somewhere that I am more utilized. Somewhere that I am treated better. Its not that the management has treated me poorly, they have been 100% supportive of me. Its the issues with the other staff. How can I work in an environment like this. Chris thinks that the way that they have been treating me borders on harassment.

I don't know that it goes that far, but who knows. I just know that they certainly make me feel bad about myself and bad about the work that I do, even when it is extremely high-quality work, and no one should make me feel that way.

So I am making the right decision.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

My decision

So everyone who comments on this journal seems to have the same idea as Chris. Which I guess means that it is a good idea.

Pretty much everyone that I have talked to has agreed that I don't deserve this. That I have worked way too hard to be treated like this. And this is before anyone on here knew about the most recent thing.

It has been brought to my attention that the "boys club" of the office hates me. Now, I have had my suspicions about that for quite some time. Pretty much for the entire two plus years that I have worked here, I thought maybe they did not like me. And now, with a few words from a few people, I know it is the truth.

The reasoning behind it is stupid. And every single person (Jennifer, Chris, Katie) whom I have told their reasoning to agrees that it is pretty stupid.

They get mad because I go home at 5 pm when I am not too busy. Now, that might automatically sound silly to some people because isn't 5 pm traditionally when the work day ends? Yes, this is quite true. Of course, in public accounting the world is a little bit different, a little bit more flexible, schedule-wise. When we are not busy, I get here around 7:30. I take my lunch, usually less than my allowed hour, and then go home at 5. If we are busy, my start time is the same, but I stay as late as I need to. I have only been here past midnight twice, usually I am home by 10 pm or so.

I work. I work all day. I sit at my desk and plow through whatever projects I may have at any given time. I don't stop and take breaks to sit and relax in the lunch room with ESPN on, I don't hang out by the big windows in the front of the office to look at the stadium, I do occasionally get on here and write an entry. Typically though, that is only when I do not have any work in front of me. Like today. If I am busy, you won't hear from me, or it will be just a short entry.

Obviously there is some bitterness in that last paragraph. This is because I operate that way, and that is why I feel like I can go home at 5. Now those that hate me for it do not operate like that. They roll in at 10 or 11, they do all of the things that I said I don't do. Watching ESPN in the lunchroom in the afternoon for a half hour or so, take lunches that are at least an hour long, often times longer, and all of that. Yes, they are here after 5 every day. But if you treat your day the way that they do, of course you are going to have to stay late, just to get your 8 hours of work in!

But yeah, that is why they hate me.

And so I have contacted my friends at one of the other big firms here in town. I was planning on having lunch with them on Friday to kind of begin to explore my options at their firm. But then, one of them jokingly mentioned, "hey you should work here so I can get a referral bonus," I decided it was the right time to tell them.

Within a half an hour of this, I had updated my resume, sent it on (using my personal email address of course), heard from someone in HR there, and set up a phone interview for Monday at lunchtime.

I'm very excited. And I truly know it is the best move I can make right now. I also know that it might put a hold on our plans to move to Chicago for a little while, because I would feel like I needed to be in Cincinnati for at least a year before I could ask for a transfer, but who knows? Maybe in a different place with consistent work and more opportunities, I wouldn't feel the need to leave so soon.

So now, my lunch on Friday will be to get their impressions of the company so I know how to appraoch the interview. You know, I can't approach it with the "I hate where I am" attitude. There has to be something special about this company that makes me want to work there rather than where I am now. You know?

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Sheer frustration

The work thing is getting to me. I have been trying really hard to revamp my plans, to accept the inevitable lack of promotion this summer and the fact that someone who I bought into the firm is going to be getting one over me, but I just can't. I work really hard. I have the most experience. I am the most versatile. I have brought in business (what other staff can say they have done that?)

How can I not be getting it?

I keep trying to think, "it's only one miss, it's only one year. It shouldn't change the overall goal." And I know that is the truth. But the fact that I am going to be answering to someone with less experience... someone that I brought in to the company... That just sucks.

People say to me, "Emily, you're not a loser. You're only 24 years old and you have a high paying career that you love, a master's degree, 2 and a half years of relevant work experience (05. years at CSC, 0.5 years as an intern here, and a year and a half full time here), there are so many people who have not even close to that!" And again, maybe that is true.

But I have worked my ass off. Ever since I left X and realized I had zero desire to be a music teacher, I have worked my ass off. Although I transferred schools several times, I managed to finish my undergraduate degree in 4 years through semesters of 21 and 22 credit hours plus summer school. I more or less got a 4 year degree in 2.5 years, because of changing majors and having pretty much zero viable credits from X. I got a very difficult masters degree in 1 year while working full time.

I have worked hard at this job ever since coming on board. I have done nothing short of devoting myself to this company and my work. Every one has an off time. A time where their focus is a little bit lacking. And after so much stress, so much hard work, I had one of those myself last summer while I was working in the theatre. I had a time, when things were not at all busy at work, where I let myself slip. Apparently.

To this day, I don't know what I did wrong. No matter how many times I sit in the captain's office and ask the question, or how many lunches I have had with Carol, I don't know what was wrong. I feel like I did my work to the best of my ability even then, when they said I was dropping.

I don't know what else I can do. I have been working hard since then to try and show them that they were mistaken about me, but it is really hard to work hard, when you don't have any work to do.

Honestly, these are the big reasons that I have been considering moving. I haven't even been given a chance here. There is not enough work to go around, as is. So what is a girl to do?
I keep dwelling on it all the time. I have stopped mentioning it to Chris because of our "try not to be stressed around each other, because it brings the other down" resolution. And he has been nothing but supportive, which is wonderful, but he has been encouraging me to just re-evaluate/re-adjust my goals. And like I said, I am trying to do that, I have just had very little success at actually achieving such a goal.

It is a huge priority in my life, obviously, or I wouldn't continue to dwell on it.

I am just so frustrated with it all.

Monday, February 18, 2008

Monday, Monday. Yuck, another week. Although things at work should be beginning to pick up so the time might fly just a little bit faster this week than it has for the past several. At least I am hoping that is what happens. It is more than halfway through February now. A lot of people that I know are already getting their tax refunds by now (myself included) and we have a major deadline on March 15. Why can't our clients get us stuff on time?

I forgot to mention yesterday that I played the piano (not just plucking things out) for the first time in a very long time this weekend. I think I might have shocked Chris a little. I had kind of been reviewing music in my head recently. He knows I read music, but he also knows how long it has been since I have had to read anything other than a soprano line in any music. And little by little, all of those memories have started to come back to me.

I miss piano. I really would love to spend some quality time at Chris's house by myself with my old music from my lessons. But I would really like to be by myself there, for this practice, as I know it is going to take me a really long time and a whole lot of flubs before I manage to produce any kind of quality sound again. And one of his roommates was a music major in college and happens to play quite well (in fact, they have TWO baby grands in their house right now) so I wouldn't want him to hear me making a million mistakes.

Speaking of Barry Manilow.... Katie told me yesterday that she officially heard on NPR that he is gay. Not that there was any doubt in my mind, but it was one of those things that was really never spoken about. According to Chris, he isn't one that often speaks about his personal life. So craziness. I told Chris that when I talked to him last night. Katie wanted to know if that would change Chris's opinion of him at all. Chris said, "I am glad that after 62 years, he can finally admit it."

I got a 40% off coupon to Borders in my email this morning. Woo hoo! I am a huge fan of any excuse I can muster up to buy books. Seriously. I have the B&N membership, so I always save there, so it takes a decent coupon from the Borders rewards program to get me to take a second look, and 40% definitely does it for me. So I am torn between three different books right now. I'll probably get the most expensive of the three. I mean, cause then I will be saving the most!

So one of the big things discussed in the Emily and Chris conversation the other day was the fact that he wants to get out of debt this year. I can completely relate to that, as that is definitely a goal that I have for myself for the next year. And that is why he is still going to be working at KI this summer. And that is what sparked all of the trouble and conversations in the first place. I mean, this guy has property management, his full-time job, real estate sales, and KI. I mean, where do I fit it?

He said that he is not going to put me off this summer, although it is going to be difficult and really busy. I feel like I have no choice but to try and trust this. What else can I do?

Sunday, February 17, 2008

calm, cool, and collected... strange, but good.

Today is a good day. It is getting a little warmer out. I have no idea if it will be staying warm like this, but the weather makes me feel way better. I need warmth. I need sunshine. And I am considering moving to Chicago? Ha!

Chris and I had a fantastic and important conversation yesterday. There were tears, and not just from me this time. Chris cried too. That is how involved of a conversation it was. And as bad as I felt for making him cry, it made me feel better because I know how much he cares about me because of it.

We're good. Finally everything has been said. Finally everything has been talked about it. We are 100% on the same page. Neither of us is going to cast the other off. We have the same goals. The same drive, the same ambition. This is new for him, because he has never dated a girl before who really had career goals or aspirations. I actually said that to him, which I think hurt a little. But he agreed with me. His last girlfriend moved to Florida for a job. But it was to be a Hooters girl. And its not like there is anything wrong with being that, but I want to be a partner at a major accounting firm, and she wants to be a Hooters girl. So yeah, big difference there.

He agreed with me. I said that I thought that would be a positive thing, having that in common. Because then we will both be more understanding about each others jobs and careers. And that is true. We have that understanding, but because of this, he has dated a few girls who might be considered doormats. And I am anything but. So we have that issue.

Its resolved. We know what the other person expects/wants/needs now. And although it might seem like we are always having problems, we just never get everything out. We never have the time to really hash through everything. Yesterday we had that time. And despite the fact that I cried, I managed to be calm, so we didn't fight, we just discussed. I don't think we are going to need to have this conversation again anytime soon. I think we are back and we are solid.

This afternoon when Chris was at rehearsal, I got together with Katie. It was fantastic. I really really missed her. I talked to her about everything today. I told her about everything that is going on with my job, with Chris, and with everything. It was so good to be with her. To get everything out to someone who is on the outside. I mean Chris listens to me, but when I have a hard time with him, he is a part of it. So I need someone on the outside. And that was Katie.
I am feeling so much better today than I have in days. The weather, the talk with Katie, the talk with Chris. Its better. I am better. I am calmer.

This weekend I got a new case for my cell phone. A black silicon one for my blackberry. It wasn't that expensive anyway and because of my corporate discount, it was even less! I have been needing one for a while now because I keep dropping the damn crackberry (its a slippery phone!) and so it was time. I am really glad I got it. And I really like it.

I am just feeling happy now. Just calm and clear headed which is something that I haven't felt in a really long time. And excited even. I don't know what it is about today, but its a good day.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Valentine's day

Tuesday, I couldn't write here about how stressed out I was feeling. But I was. And I really wanted to see Katie, I needed her.

Of course, when I needed my friend the other day, she was no where to be found. We did not end up getting together and I wound up spending my evening browsing Half Price Books. Now, generally, this is not a problem. I love the bookstore. Especially a decently large bookstore. I can spend hours at one, just browsing. Picking up things because I need them, and then putting them back down again as I have talked myself out of it. Probably the fact that I have the ability to talk myself out of things is a good thing. Although generally, when we're talking HPB (and they really are half price!) it is a little easier to justify things in my mind.

So I came home with 4 books. Atonement, as I have been dying to read it since no one will go to the movie with me. Chris hates Keira Knightly, so that is his reasoning, plus my little bro who works at the movie theatre and has yet to steer us wrong in movie selection, didn't really like it. And even the girls I cannot seem to convince. The Lords of Discipline, this is the 3rd copy of this book I own. I always lend it out to a guy that I am seeing or might be seeing because it is one of my favorite books ever, and then we stop seeing each other. That is how I lost the first two copies. One to Derek, and one to Dan. A Shopaholic book, a guilty pleasure. And something else.... I can't believe I can't remember!

Now, as I hear from Katie later, I know that she had a doctor's appointment. Now, I knew that going in. But while going to the doc usually sucks, I am usually up for dinner out with my friend. So naturally, when she told me that she wasn't up for it because of the test she had at the doctor, I was a little miffed. I really needed her. I needed someone to talk to who wasn't Chris. Chris is great for listening, honestly, but I needed to hear someone else's opinion on everything.
I may have jumped the gun a little in my being upset with her thing though. The test she had was actually a pretty major one as they discovered a growth on one of her ovaries when they did an ultrasound. Now, she doesn't have the results back yet, but I guess that would be a little nerve-wracking, a little stressful. I guess I can't blame her too much.

So anyway, it is Valentine's Day, and for once, I am in a very solid, very good relationship. How happy does that make me? We aren't celebrating or anything today, we'll maybe have a date next weekend. Chris is broke right now, since he just started his new job and he hasn't gotten paid yet, so he said he can't get me a gift. Not that it is important to get a gift. Ha ha. I am full of it. Girls are big on Valentine's Day. I truly have only ever heard guys (or single girls) say that Valentines is a crap holiday.

Speaking of my past relationships... Jon is coming over on Saturday afternoon to see my new place, bring Reagan over for a visit, and to help me get my wireless internet up and running. I have a router and such, and the cable guy is coming early afternoon to get the cable hooked up. And for as many times as I have watched Jon set up things like that, I still have no idea how to do it. And to be truthful, Chris is useless at things like that. I know more about it than he does. It's okay though. He did help me with a few things that I know nothing about. You know, negotiating a better monthly rate on my apartment, taking my car to a decent place (not jiffy lube) for an oil change...

I recently came to the realization that maybe it is a good thing that Chris and I took such a long time to be "official." I mean, we have both accepted the fact that we have been "together" since July (we decided that would be when we have our anniversary, not in January), but maybe it was good. It made it look as though I didn't rush into something immediately after my break up with Jon, even though we started seeing each other right around that time. At least I didn't jump into anything immediately serious?

So my boss loaned me a book today. Twilight by Stephanie Meyer. I am sure a lot of people have read it. It seems to be really popular. He and I were talking books the other day (we are both huge nerds) and I asked him for recommendations, and he said this one. He said he was a little embarrassed about it because it is a book that you usually find in the "teen girl" section of the bookstore. (He also recommended one found in romance. He said he bought the first in the series when it was like in a "new release" section, and he didn't know where he would find the second.)

So he just came over here to talk to me about the book, because he has a post-it taped to the back. He wanted to explain that to me. He said that he put it there because he wanted his wife to read the book, and if she saw the word "vampire" on it anywhere she wouldn't be interested. So he covered that up with a post-it. He cracks me up.

He and I continued to talk about books for a little, and I commented on the fact that he often will start a book, then he will decide he doesn't like it for whatever reason and stop reading it. So today he had to give me an example of a book he read that he had to put down. He told me what was going on in the book, and I have got to be honest. I would have put it down too. That is terrible! He was mostly upset because he felt like there should be some kind of warning on the cover about what goes on in the book!

So yeah, that's all I've got for now!

Happy Valentine's Day!

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Soul Outpouring

Last night when I talked to Chris on the phone, I let out more feelings than I even knew I was harboring. We had decided we were going to speak about the sex thing last night in some additional detail. I had kind of made that mandatory, because let's be honest, that is kind of a dealbreaker for me. I have already been in the sexless relationship and I am certainly not up for doing that one all over again.

I had laid down the gauntlet and basically said, if you think this is how things are going to continue to be, you should just tell me now, because then I can get out before I fall in too deeply. I felt like that was what I needed to say and how I really feel, as much as I do care about him and want to be with him.

So that was how the conversation started with him saying that it isn't what he intends and he never intended it to be like this. In my mind, you know, that's fine, but then something has to change.

I ended up pouring my heart out then about everything beyond the sex. I talked about how hard I try to be perfect, to do those little things so he might notice me. How I get up every morning to pack his lunch and bring him little gifts all the time and everything just hoping that maybe he will open his eyes just once and see me looking at him. And I do do that. I feel like even though we are spending a ton of time together, we aren't actually spending any time together. He is never really there. His head is always somewhere else.

I told him that he really needs to put all of those other things out of his mind when he is with me, he needs to focus on me when we are spending time together. I told him that I understood that he has some obligations that he has made for himself relating to his properties, etc, and it makes sense that there would be some responsibilities that go along with that. I mean, he is the manager of all of these places! But when we are spending time together, I need him to focus on me. I need him to put aside all of the stresses that he might have about whatever the hell else is going on in his life, because I am there, and I am trying to be a part of his life.

I feel like, in a lot of ways, if he could do that, then the rest, the sex, will follow suit. He said once that he is stressed out, which is why he hasn't felt up for the sex, and everyone handle stress differently, blah blah blah. Sure, that is all true. But, if he would just let everything go and enjoy his time with me, then the stress would leave him, even for just a little while, and then maybe our physical relationship would step up a little.

I told him that I can tell he isn't noticing me or isn't paying attention to me because if I try and talk to him, even if we are just in bed watching politics, it will take him 10 seconds to respond to me, and then it is usually just with a "what?" When I told him that, I think he started to get it. I think he started to feel really bad. Of course, that is not what I wanted. I just wanted him to see and understand where I am coming from on the whole thing. I mean, I have kind of a lot of things that I need, and I had hopes that a boyfriend, in the form of Chris, might be able to help me with that.

So here's to hoping that he did actually hear me last night, and that he really will be trying to help.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Nasty day

It is nasty as hell outside now. It snowed a bit last night, and then ended with rain which froze over this morning. At least, that is how it looks out there to me. I made it to work on time and safely, and so did Chris, and that is what matters, I think.

I sent him a message asking him to let me know when he got there so I would know he is safe. He did. And I told him that I just wanted to be sure since I care about him and he is my favorite and all that. He said that I was also his favorite. And that is cheesy as hell, I am well aware, but I like it just the same. It makes me happy.

I have a cold. I hate to admit that I am sick, but I am. My head is achy, my nose is terribly gross, and I have started the coughing, which tends to be the worst for me. When I get a cough, it can be really bad. I hack for days. Months even. I am going to try really hard and get on some vitamin C, take cough drops and nyquil as needed, and stay on top of this thing so it does not get any worse.

Chris was denying me some love yesterday as a result of the cold. He wouldn't kiss me on the mouth. I hate that. We just got through him having a cold sore so I couldn't kiss him, and now I have a cold so he won't kiss me. That sucks. We only got in like three days of good kissing before I got sick.

I wish the sex life would come back. I am beginning to feel a little desperate here. I mean, it has been a while, and he says its not me. I have a hard time believing that, of course, because apparently it WAS me in my last relationship. Jon, my ex, apparently was no longer attracted to me and that is why we never had sex. So of course now, when Chris is feeling a little off, it completely makes me feel like it is all my fault.

I feel like he isn't attracted to me or he doesn't desire me or something. And I hate that feeling. He denies it and says that has nothing to do with it. He says he is just not feeling all that sexual. I HATE IT! It just makes me feel bad and insecure. Especially when we are talking about the thing with Jon and he says, "Was he sleeping with someone else?" Naturally, that is enough to make a girl suspicious, so I say, "Are you sleeping with someone else?" He says no, of course he isn't.

But seriously, the whole thing has me rather worked up. Our relationship is wonderful, aside from that. I am just truthfully not sure how much longer I can take it to be completely honest about it.

I just told him that. I told him it makes me feel ugly, and insecure. And it truthfully does make me feel that way, which is a terrible way to feel. I am sure that he will have no response to that message, because it is apparently annoying and bothersome to him. But because it truly is a big deal to me, I feel like it is something that he needs to hear.

I have decided. I am not going to stick around for a year or more again for someone who doesn't even love me, who doesn't even desire me. I just cannot subject myself to that again.

I am trying to be calm, but of course, I want to cry about it.

Monday, February 11, 2008

Rough day

So it has been a pretty rough day for me today. It started out with a couple of blackouts on the bus on the way into work this morning. Of course, my head is stuck on them and I cannot seem to get over it.

I talked to Katie and she said that she had the same thing going on. And that the only thing that has helped her has been anti-anxiety medication. I am not sure if I can subject myself to that kind of treatment to be honest. It's a little bit of a touchy thing with me, to be honest, and I am not sure that I can risk it. I will talk to Chris about it tonight. Truthfully, that is the only thing that I can do, and so he will hopefully have some insight on the situation and maybe can provide some clarity for me. It is hard when you are on the inside of a situation like this. Sometimes, like today, you need a little clarity from the outside to help pull you out of a seemingly hopeless situtation.

I am planning to see one of my CSC friends tomorrow night. Dan. The guy I almost dated back a very very long time ago. I am meeting him at Slatt's tomorrow night for a drink and maybe some dinner as well. It has been a very long time since I last saw him, so I am curious to see what he has been up to. We have kept in touch fairly well, but haven't been out together in ages. We'll see how that goes.

Chris did not wear one of the new ties that I got him on Saturday night today. I told him that my feelings were deeply scarred as a result. Of course, that is not true, but I like to tease him and give him a hard time about things. Plus he was telling me how excited he was to wear one of the new ties today when I gave them to him on Saturday! That bum. Not wearing one of them today after all.

I talked to him briefly before bed last night, and then left him a voicemail before I fell asleep. And he text me back before he fell asleep, just saying good night and all that.

I really care about him an awful lot. Just thinking about him makes me feel all smiley and gives me butterflies in my stomach. Is that normal after you have been with someone for more than 6 months like we have? Should the butterflies still be coming? I mean, I feel lucky that they are, because it is an absolutely wonderful feeling to have, but is it normal? Or does it mean that we have something special, something that I have not experienced previously?

Either way, I am okay with it because it is something totally special.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Sunday morning, after an easy Saturday night

Last night Chris called me around 5:30 to say "come on over." So I got my gym clothes on and headed over to his place. He was pretty much waiting outside for me when I got there, ready to go, which never ever happens with him. He usually still in his dress clothes sitting around, on the phone or on his laptop, not at all ready to go to the gym.



So we worked out for just under an hour, since the gym was closing, and got our chest and triceps workout done.



Then I dropped him off at home to run to the store. My cat apparently tore a small hole in his sheets when she was visiting the other day. So I told him I would get him a new set of sheets.



Off to JCPenney I went. I picked up the sheets for him, I got a set for Chris's mom that she had mentioned needing at one point in time, I even called her for the first time to make sure that it was accurate and that she was interested. I got two ties for Chris as well.

I miss him today.

Saturday, February 9, 2008

Concert

We went to Barry Manilow last night. The concert this time was actually different then the one we saw a month ago. I actually liked this one a little better.

Awkward moment though. Chris got a text from Dacy, a girl he dated briefly saying, "Should I call you so you can hear Barry Manilow?" She was there too! And this is a girl that I know as well, because she was in the theatre group that I met Chris in. We kind of tried to keep things about us hush hush over the summer because of how many of the girls had been interested in him. There really were a few and we just kind of fell into each other.

Obviously when I caught sight of her as he and I were leaving, that was a little weird. But it was okay. She didn't come over or anything.

We stayed at his aunt and uncle's house. They were very hospitable. They put us up in their guest room in the spare bed. It was pretty comfortable. Not as comfortable as his new bed or as mine, but not bad at all for just one night. They drove us from their house to the arena downtown and then picked us up when it was over so we did not have to worry about parking or anything else.

We really enjoyed the concert. Our seats were great, Barry was on, he sang this song from his newest album called Forever and a Day. It's a beautiful song. He sang it as his encore. He did sing that one as the encore at the Chicago show as well.

When we got home, we watched a Barry Manilow concert DVD. We also had some pizza for a late night dinner. Terrible for us, I know, but it was what was convenient.

We had a really good conversation when we went to bed. Tax related. It was important. I am happy.

Friday, February 8, 2008

Friday, whew...

So I am wearing what I believe to be a very cute outfit today. I am pretty proud of myself to be honest. A little gray, strapless tulip dress from the Gap last summer, cute black tights that are patterned, a black cardigan (no strapless dresses at work!), and some black and red polka dotted shoes. It was an attempt to get the boyfriend to find me irresistible. I know that he does sometimes, but there are a lot of times when he looks so amazing compared to me. He is big on dress clothes, and only owns one pair of jeans, which he never wears, whereas I live in sweaters and jeans!

He saw me this morning in it before I left, but I had no shoes on, so it wasn't the complete package. Plus, he was still pretty much sleeping when I left, so he might not have noticed too much anyway. Plus he was pretty distracted with Frodo who is at his house until I can take her home tomorrow. Thank goodness he is such a great guy. I don't know what I would do if he wasn't willing to let the cat stay at his house while they are spraying for bugs at my place! I mean, they don't even know that I have a cat, because it was going to be an additional $300 non-refundable deposit. I mean, that is crap. What if there aren't any stains in the carpet or anything that really needs to be cleaned up or taken care of? Then I am out $300!

So my sweet boyfriend is letting her stay there so they can come in today. Thank goodness.

I am excited about the concert tonight. I know it is nerdy and Fanilow-like of me to be excited, but I mean, Chris has taken me to two out of three of the concerts that I have ever been to. nd they have both been Barry Manilow (the only other one I saw was last summer... Counting Crows, Collective Soul, and Live. Despite being kind of an old guy, Barry Manilow really does put on a wonderful show.

I am getting sick, I think. A sinus infection maybe. I have pain behind my eyes. Isn't that usually a sinus thing?

Unfortunately because I am feeling so sick in the head, I am really not focusing on my work at all today. I don't have a whole lot to be doing anyway, but I should get done what I have.

I really need to stop and think about work. What am I going to do? Let's take it one thing at a time. It is just really hard because I am considering leaving the city, but I don't think I can do it alone again. I mean, I already picked up and left my whole life behind once when I moved here. I left my family, my friends, my home, my lack of expenses to come here, alone. I mean, I am adjusted now, but I am not sure if I can do that again or not.

Going to Chicago, provided I had a roommate would be more do-able than most cities because of the fact that I do have some friends there at least. Anne is there, Adam, Cara, their friends - whom I know would accept me into their lives. And of course my high school friend John. He has already said that I should let him know if the move is something that I am seriously considering...

But then there is Chris. As of now, he says the move is a very real possibility for him. I guess that is as good as I can get for the moment. I mean, it is something that we were saying "in a year" about, so I guess we have until fall to figure it out for sure. But then, with everything that has been going on here with work, it sometimes feels like a decision will need to be made sooner. But we had a plan. I have to stick to the plan.

I guess if things fall apart here before a year from now, I just interview for jobs in Chicago with other companies. I look to the other firms for help. I mean, if I am moving, I have a lot of options, I figure. There are lots of firms in Chicago. Some extremely large, some not-so-large. So I just have to think about it when fall rolls around.

Actually, my friend Erica from BG might turn out to be something of a help when the time comes. She lives there and works for a firm there. It is one of the smaller firms, but I can't remember which one it is. So I should certainly consider sending her an email to see if she can help hook me up! An interview would actually be great. So that would be insanely helpful.

I can't believe I hadn't even thought of that before!

So today ends Chris's first week of having the standard 8-5 job that I have been working myself for the last 2 and a half years. I think he likes the job so far, but he is kind of weirded out about the routine of it. I mean, it is very weird at first to not be at home in the middle of the day, being able to get your cleaning done and such. I mean, when I first graduated from college and started my job at CSC, it was awful. I hated the routine of it. But it wasn't long before I had adjusted and started loving the fact that it gave me something to plan the rest of my life around. Those things (working, I mean) were set in stone, and it was easy then to know exactly what I wanted and what I thought.

So, that is all I've got for right now. I should maybe try and work, at least for a little while...

Thursday, February 7, 2008

Weird

So I have kind of been messing around on this blog here, trying to figure out how it works, trying to see how I like it, trying to do all of those things... So far, so good. I figured out how to make posts from my mobile phone, which is neat.

So I like it.

I had lunch today out with the entire tax department for someone's birthday. We went to Montgomery Inn (the Boathouse). I haven't been there in forever. It was delicious, but I am certainly feeling very very full right now. I am having some tea in hopes of helping to clear out that fullness. It usually works pretty well.

Right now I am beginning to price out cable and internet for my house. I don't have it right now, but I should be getting it soon. It looks like Time Warner is the way to go, despite the fact that I really was not sure that was something that I wanted to do this time around. But I looked at Direct TV, and it just wasn't the same as far as internet service goes, which I really need. I'll take care of it eventually.

I just got some work from Brett. My favorite manager. It is actually the very first return that I reviewed. I am pretty proud of myself because I did a good job with it! It only has cosmetic things that need changes still, which means overall, I did an excellent job on my very first review. Hooray for that.

Chris drove my car to work today because he is the sweetest boyfriend ever, and he is taking it to get an oil change after work for me. He is even paying for it, because the other day, I filled his gas tank for him. So that will be one less thing for me to worry about. I had been planning on doing it for a really long time, but jiffy lube type places are always closing at 6, and I don't get home from work even until almost then, so I just hadn't had a chance! So since I am coming in from downtown, and Chris from Blue Ash, he figured he could take care of it for me this time. What a good guy.

It is about 3:07 pm. Less than 2 hours until I have reached the end of the day. I will have to stop at the ATM on my way out today to pick up some cash so I can park my car downtown tomorrow.

Tomorrow I have to drive to work rather than taking the bus because I am leaving early to go and pick up Chris at work. Then from there we will be driving up to Columbus to stay at his Aunt and Uncle's house over night. They got Chris tickets to see Barry Manilow at Nationwide Arena for Christmas. This will be the second time in a month that we have seen him in concert.

The last time was around mid-January and we saw him in Chicago. After spending a day in that city, we decide that next year towards the end of January, we will be moving out there. Together.

With everything that has been going on at work, that is seeming more and more like it is one of the best ideas that we have ever had. It is going to be pertinent for me to get out of Cincinnati eventually, I think, if I want to continue my career here. It is one of those things that I did not want to have to start thinking about so soon, unfortunately, it has become essential. Things are a little bit too tight around here for my liking, especially with my 10-year plan in mind.

Day 1, a new place....

Ahh, yes, Thursday. I am definitely looking forward to tomorrow. It has been a very long, very stressful week at my office. I haven't been working late or anything, I just feel like there has been so much going on, so much going through my head. I have had an extremely difficult time focusing on any project for any length of time. I have been extremely high stress, and very edgy, which has presented me with all kinds of troubles.

But here we are, just beginning the busy season push, and I am already overwhelmed with what is going on.

On Monday, I had a panic attack. I don't know what caused it, as I usually only get them when I am in a really big crowd or something. I think I was just feeling overwhelmed with the amount of work I was trying to do. The weird part is, it is not like I have a ton of work on my desk right now. I think it was the fact that I had been looking at one thing for the last several days, and I didn't feel like I was getting a whole lot of anywhere on it. That is the kind of thing that stresses me out. I really like to be very productive, and I just wasn't feeling it on Monday.

I basically broke down at the time, and Chris almost came downtown to pick me up and put me to bed, I was feeling so bad.

He suggested that I go and talk to my boss about everything that I have been feeling at work lately, because after all, he is a partner in this firm, and he also is a close friend of mine, so he is definitely a good person to be talking to.

I actually had to schedule a meeting to talk to him. I was in his office for an hour that afternoon. We talked, we laughed, I cried. I didn't mean to have such a complete breakdown in front of him, as he is one of those kind of people that I would absolutely prefer to be 100% strong in front of. I mean, I have major career goals, and for the next couple of years, he is going to do a lot of the dictating relating to whether or not I achieve these goals.

I learned that it is highly unlikely that I will be getting that promotion that I want at work this year. Apparently, during the summer, there was too much of a slip-up, when I was busy and stressed about my family life, ending 4-year relationship, playing the lead in Oklahoma!, and starting a new relationship . I blew 2 years worth of work in just 2 months. That is terrible.

It breaks my heart that I am not getting it. It throws a kink into my ten-year plan, which involved making partner at this firm. I guess it will just shift everything back.

When I told Chris that it broke my heart to not get it, I think it might have broken his heart a little. He had the saddest look on his face. He was the one who has been encouraging me to not let it get me down, and just to adjust my plans by a year. He keeps saying how young I am, how I shouldn't worry about this yet, how there are plenty of people ten years older than me who aren't as stable in their careers or make less money, or whatever. I know that it is probably true, but I am still feeling discouraged. It is a very difficult time for me at work right now, and I am feeling under enormous pressure.

Chris has been here for me so much though. I know he hates when I cry, and I certainly have been doing a lot of it.

I sent him a text yesterday, early, that simply said, "I don't want us to argue anymore. I just want us to be happy together." And he agreed. I think we are really going to make an effort to be happy, to not fight, to love each other, and to be together. I am really happy about that.

Last night we went to the gym for our legs and shoulders workout. It was a really good one. Chris broke a sweat just by the lifting, and I was feeling our every move. It was a little different than the ones that I usually do, but definitely effective. I added in a hip exercise, because I know that I need to work on strengthening my hips pretty badly. After my near spill doing squats with a trainer once, I have been trying hard to add muscles to my hips.

I am still considering becoming a trainer, although I am not sure when I will have a chance to do so. I really need to focus on the CPA exam. I would like to do both the personal trainer test and the CPA this year. I mean, I had goals/resolutions for the year, and one of them has already been blown (my promotion), so I need to be able to accomplish everything else that I wanted, I think.

God, I am just so flustered about this whole job situation. Can you blame me?