I have not written here in ages, it seems. But I needed this place, I think. I needed to be able to write somewhere that people have not been following me for the last 5 years or something. I needed some seclusion where I can spill everything and not feel ashamed for all of the trouble I have created for myself.
Life has fallen apart around me.
A brief list of things that have gone wrong recently.
1. My eating disorder is back in full force. I am trying to control it, but things are always falling apart that cause me to not eat or cause all of the things that I have eaten to come out of my body rather quickly and in some forms that I don't really like. I am losing weight. Lots of weight considering that I was only around 115 lbs (slightly underweight) to begin with.
2. Chris and I have broken up. A lot of it has to do with my sickness and all of the results from it. I have done this horrible turn around and become that woman that I hate that I always tend to become when I am in a relationship. I am completely in that terrible state where I rely entirely on that other person (him) for anything that I might need. I always manage to get myself like that when I get into a relationship. I wasn't like that before he and I made our relationship official. When we were just dating and pseudo-in a relationship, there was never this problem. I was myself. I was confident and comfortable and I spent time with other people. And then we become official and I become this weird other woman. This woman who is helpless and needy. I hate the Emily who is like that. Very much. I am working on it really hard and trying to be the woman that I want to be. I want to be a strong and independent woman. I know that I have that ability because I have been that woman before. I feel like if I can be that woman again, he might eventually love me. Again. So we're working on it. Being friends right now.
I kind of hate it. How things are right now, I mean. I am on so many pills and such right now that although I am beginning to feel a little bit better, I mostly just feel kind of drugged up. Loopy. They calm me down, but I am definitely not sure that it is the right answer for me. I just feel like I need them already.
3. My job has completely fallen apart. It fell apart months ago, but it has finally come to where I think it is completely over. I have been looking for a new job for some time now, but the right thing has not really come up yet, I don't think. And then on Wednesday of this week, I got called into Mike's office to discuss my year-end review. And there I had another mental breakdown in his office.
When I got in there, he had my self-review printed out. He had some stuff highlighted on it. He pointed at what was highlighted. As soon as he did, I burst into tears. It was absolutely uncontrollable. I sobbed and cried and apologized and fellt like garbage about it.