Wednesday, July 30, 2008

I am feeling slightly better today than yesterday. A bit less self-destructive, which is always a good sign. I think the sex desire was overwhelming my ability to think clearly. I spoke with B last night, which helped to reinvigorate how much I am kind of starting to like him, and therefore cooled down my urge to destroy anything there.

I am proud of myself for that.

Granted, my self-destruction still exists in many other places. For instance, in my desire to starve. I definitely still want to do that. I am going to start being extremely careful about what things I let into my body because I am currently feeling so uncomfortable. I know that I am apparently back to healthy looking or whatever, but I am still feeling miserable. I am higher than I have been in a while, a long while, and it is freaking me out a little. I HATE it.

So my first goal is 115. I am not that far from it. The next after that is 110 and maintain. 110 is not too too thin for someone of my size, and I feel comfortable at that weight.

Gah. I just have to make this happen so I can feel comfortable with no clothes on.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

I have been lying, I think. Lying to everyone. They think I am okay. They think I am back to regular, normal Em. And in some ways I am. I am over Chris. Finally. And that is a major major thing.

But the rest of me is still a little broken. Every time someone mentions how "healthy" I look, I hear fat in my head. I am completely unsatisfied there.

I have the desire to cause trouble for myself and everyone else involved. I want to go out there and make major mistakes because I know that in the short run, they will be enjoyable. I also know that in the long run, I would be making major mistakes.

I am feeling completely self-destructive.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

I have been spending some time thinking... trying to decide if I actually hate Chris for everything that has happened. Trying to decide if I blame him for a lot of my falling apart, at least a chunk of it. Trying to decide if because of the ridiculous amount of devotion that I gave to him I lost it at work, I felt like I needed to be thinner, I was stressed beyond myself all the time.

Its frustrating to me. He is frustrating to me.

On the bright side, I am going to the opera tonight, which I am very excited about. I am also having a drink with Ben afterwards, which is also fantastic. I am starting to like him quite a lot, and I don't mind that at all... But if I don't get kissed tonight I am going to be mad. Its time for a kiss, I think.

Tonight will be our 5th date. Phil kissed me for the first time after the 3rd. So its time. Granted, with Ben there is a much stronger possibility that the kiss will turn into a full blown make-out which could lead me back to his apartment, etc. At least, that could be nice. And I would definitely be up for it.

But no sex. Not the first time. We could make out all night and then cuddle until morning, but no sex. Because.... I got my period! Hooray! No more worrying about what was going on with John the firefighter, as cute as he was, because there is no way I was ever going to see that guy again, and so I didn't want a part of him to permanently be a part of me.

So today will be a better day... I hope!

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Something is really wrong with my brain today, I think. I am feeling really stressed and overwhelmed. I am about to take a Valium for the first time in a few weeks. I have been avoiding them recently because I have not needed them for anything, and it is one of those "take as necessary" kind of things.

Chris has me all shaken up about things, again. I am so angry with him right now, I am not even sure what to do. I am seriously to the point of really hating him. He has completely ruined any chance of friendship that I feel like we might have had or could have had. I am just so absolutely furious.

Its like once again, months after we break up, and even after I have moved on and felt good about moving on, he has reentered my brain and it makes me want to cry all over again.

I hate him so much!

And now that he is on my mind, I am starting to freak out about all kinds of other things... For instance, its now three weeks after my random sex encounter. I am on the pill, and we used a condom, but since I am already in freak out mode, I am now afraid that what if I don't get my period this week like I am supposed to? That is definitely not something I could handle right now.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Okay. I made all of yesterday's goals, which I am very proud of.

So now I am going to set today's goals:
1. rehearsal
2. some straightening at home
3. see Ben
4. shower/shave
5. find someone to go the the opera with me

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Today's goals:
1. Go to the gym
2. No drinking - at all
3. Shower and shave
4. meet friends for dinner
5. talk to Ben

Friday, July 18, 2008

I went over my alloted yesterday, and I am quite disappointed in myself for doing so. It was the fact that around 4 pm I got hungry and ate a bunch of combos. I would have been great if it hadn't been for that.

But I was pretty close despite that, so today will be better. Today will be lighter.

I know I probably sound ridiculous. I only weigh 115 lbs and am 5'6". That is not fat in any way, shape or form. I know this. But it does not mean that I am comfortable with myself being this way. I'm not. I just feel... soft.

Last night was three hours of dance. It was a decent rehearsal, considering the fact that it was the first one we had an accompanist for. Lara came to go through the cuts in the music and play a bit for us. I am so glad she was there, because I hadn't looked at anything hardly myself. So we got several of the more difficult songs looked at and taken care of.

I was proud of myself because when I got up there to do my song, I decided I was just going to sing. I wasn't going to worry about the accompaniment, I wasn't going to worry about the rest of the chorus singing with me, I was just going to do it. And so that is what I did. The song started and I just went with it. It turned out to be the first one that we didn't have to run twice. I wanted to run it a second time because Becca added a few character things for me that I wanted to work on, but we didn't need to. So that was fantastic.

We finally felt like we got blow gabriel in a decent place as well, which is good because Georgiana and I felt like we were the only two who were singing the first time we ran through it. And so then, we picked it apart and ran through it in pieces. I felt okay with my part in the beginning but now I feel more strong in it, now that the way that I had been singing it was confirmed.

Okay, besides my "diet" and the show...

B. I talked to him finally last night. He text me on Tuesday, then called Wednesday (but I was still rehearsing) and left me a voice mail. He said that he was going to play poker with the guys, but definitely wanted to get together over the weekend. Actually, he didn't say that he definitely wanted to get together, he said he would "love to see me". So I sent him a text saying that I didn't want to interrupt poker night, but give me a call and we'll find some time for each other this weekend.

So last night we figured out the only time that we both have available is Sunday afternoon, so we are definitely going to get together then. I am really excited. I like this guy a whole lot.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Rehearsal last night... That is a pretty standard thing for me these days. I am rehearsing about 4 nights per week now, as opening is only 3 weeks away. We ran the majority of the show. Granted, we don't have an orchestra or even an accompanist at this point (stressing me out a little bit...) but we did get through quite a bit of things with the CD and such last night.

I had a dreadful moment of panic relating to my body image though. At the very end of the show in the closing number, there are the 4 "couples", Moonie and Bonnie, Evelyn and Reno, Hope and Billy, and Whitney and Mrs. Harcourt. So obviously that puts Claude and I together. Now Claude is a tiny guy. I mean, he is probably like an inch taller than me, and probably weighs about 5 lbs more, at the most, and I am a thin girl. Now I was supposed to sing a line, and then jump into his arms. So we ran it like that a few times. But apparently my fat ass is too heavy for him, because the second time we did it last night before we started he told me not to jump. So I didn't. And now we aren't doing it anymore.

So yeah... Here I am doing all of these tracking things in an attempt to get myself in the best shape of my life, and Claude can't even pick me up in a basket catch? Dammit.

At least Mark could lift me. We did a little work with "Let's Step Out" last night as well, and so he got a chance or two to show off the fact that he could lift me, so at least someone can so I didn't feel like a total fat ass.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

I am afraid. I hate when I get like this. I did hear from B last night after all, but just in the form of a few brief texts. Does the fact that he got in touch with me at all mean he is interested? Or does the fact that he text me rather than call mean that he is about done?

I have no idea, and that kind of sucks. But I suppose it is one of those things... I am just going to have to wait and see what happens.

My plan is to test him in the late morning and tell him that I hope he has a less stressful day today, and let him know that if he wants to meet me for a drink or a bite to eat on Friday night I would be up for that. I figure it is really all I can do at this point. You know, ask him out myself and hope that he responds. And then if he does (and hopefully he will!) we'll have to see how the date goes. It will be the third, and so I would be hoping for the first kiss. I feel like if I get the third date, if I get the first kiss, then I can stop worrying so much.

After all, it is not like we're not both completely slammed with our schedules right now. I work from 8-5 and then rehearse 4 nights per week. He sleeps in, drives an hour to wear he works, gives lessons all afternoon, and then has his own rehearsal 5 nights per week. I mean, how on earth are we supposed to work schedules like that? I have to keep reminding myself of that so I don't freak out.

And also, what the hell is wrong with me that I am even tempted to freak out at all? I have only been on two dates with this gentleman, and while he is very sweet, caring, considerate, and fantastic looking, I shouldn't already be falling for him. I mean, isn't that impossible? If it is not impossible, then it should be, so I don't end up defeated. Again.

Growl. I wish I could relax and go with the flow a little better here.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

food and sex

So yes, I am recovering. I am thoroughly making a good effort to become the woman that I really want to be. I have been making a huge effort lately to condense my life into a calendar/ task list/ organizer in the form of my blackberry. With my new job, they allow me enterprise email access on the Blackberry, and so I have had that all the time now, which has helped me with the calendar/condensing stuff.

I have been trying to make lists of goals and subgoals lately that will hopefully help me to be the best and strongest possible woman that I can be.

I am getting healthy weight-wise, which is a good thing, but it is also a scary thing for me. As anyone with an eating disorder knows, it is really tough to gain weight back, even though you know that you need to basically in order to survive. I hate it, it makes me miserable, but I know how important it is. So I have added a new goal for myself which is related to my weight. It is something that will hopefully keep me at a healthy weight, but at the same time, will also make sure that I am feeling okay about my weight, and myself.

I am going to begin keeping strict track of what I eat. I am going to do some research on what kind of ratios to be eating foods in, meet food goals daily and track everything on or fitday PC. Here are the goals relating to food/weight as I see them:
1. Maximum of 1800 calories per day
2. track all food and exercise on fitday or fitday pc
3. wear heart rate monitor when exercising
4. minimum 8 glasses of water per day
5. max of 30% calories from fat
6. max 15% of calories from alcohol (some days will be an exception on this one!)
7. exercise minimum of three days per week (dance rehearsal counts as one day)

So that is a big one for me. I am feeling like crap about the gain.

But like I said, unrelated to the food thing, I have finally been able to move on. I don't know that I am "over" Chris, I don't know that I will ever be completely over him. But on the other hand, I am okay now. I am ready for something new. I am finally comfortable enough with me and the breakup that I feel like maybe I CAN be in another relationship. And I might even be ready for that, or at least to take the steps to find a potential suitor or two who might be interested in possibly thinking about a relationship once we get to know each other and come to that mutual agreement or whatever.

I have found a potential candidate. We will call him B. He is a professor of music at a nearby university and is an opera singer. We have been on 2 dates so far and had an amazing time. We also have talked on the phone fairly regularly, and I feel like we are getting to know each other pretty well. I am really liking him, so I am hopeful that he feels similarly.

But of course, I being me, am already falling into sabotage mode. I am already feeling afraid that since he didn't call me yesterday he must not like me anymore. I don't know why I am always doing that. We have only been on two dates so far! I shouldn't expect to hear from someone that I have only been on two dates with so far to call me daily. I shouldn't. I need to wrap my head around all of this as easily as possible. I need to remember the way that men work and that it is okay, that I am ok.
Wow, a lot has happened since I last updated this blog. I might have to come back to it more seriously now though, as I feel that I really can be more open and honest here than anywhere else (other than a personal, handwritten journal that no one ever sees.)

So, Chris and I broke up. It was one of the more disasterous things to ever happen to me. I very nearly lost my mind completely. I did for a few days there, I think.

I allowed myself to disappear completely. I saw no one, talked to no one, didn't eat, slept a lot. I was a disaster. I cried all the time. My weight hovered around 100 lbs. I was an absolute train wreck, who had no idea what to do or how to survive without her partner.

Of course, this "partner" of mine had only been in my life for around 9 months. I have a hard time believing (now that it is over) that I could let someone into my life so completely and so permanently in such a short amount of time. I am angry with myself for allowing him in. I should know better than that.

Oh well, I suppose it is a little too late for major worries about things like that now. I did, he broke my heart, and I lost my mind.

After spending some time away from the world completely, I finally reintroduced myself to my social life. I began by bringing my girls back in. I started to see the theater folks again. Julie and Lara especially, as I really feel close to them, pretty much all the time. They are my family. They especially became even more of my family then, when I just lost the people that I thought of as my Cincinnati family (Chris and his mom). So it was great to have them in my life during one of the most trying things that I have ever had to face!

I opened up to Katie a bit as well. Not as much, because for reasons that I am still unsure of, she just does not feel like family to me. I am beginning to feel like that is because she is not a friend that I made on my own. I met her and was rather forced to become friends with her because of my relationship with Jon. Not to say that I don't love her, I do, and I always have. It is just sometimes easier to have a strong friendship with a friend that you made on your own. And my theater friends I have done that with.

Anyway, eventually I felt the need to cut Chris out of my life completely. He decided he did not want to take a step backward and go back to where we used to be, and so we tried the friend thing. That didn't work out because apparently I was "trying too hard" to be the girl that I was when we first met. Silly me, I thought that was part of our problem! So the friendship thing ended at that point. I guess we gave it a try. But when that happened, although it led to some slight hysteria on my part, I finally was beginning to feel free of him for the first time since we broke up around a month before!

I signed up for some online dating stuff, I started meeting some new people, I got a new job, I got a lead in a show... I mean, my life has taken a new turn!