Wednesday, August 20, 2008

I haven't decided yet if today will be a better day or not. It is the last full day of my week since I have the bridal luncheon tomorrow, and then I am off for the wedding on Friday, so that is a good thing. I am just still feeling so stressed and so overwhelmed. It is kind of unbelievable. I am not sure what took me to this point this time (as I have certainly been here before) but I hate feeling like this.

If I were still with Chris or even with Jon, they would both be telling me the same thing now. And that is, "its a choice, Em, just choose to be happy, choose to be calm." and I just feel like it is not that simple for me. I mean, maybe it is, and I just do not know how to operate myself in a fully functional way or something, but it does not work for me to just say "I'm fine" and then be that. I just can't do it. Don't people think that if I could do that, and if it worked, I would? I mean, no one wants to feel the way that I do all the time.

I feel completely screwed up that I can't do as they suggest and just turn it off. I want to. I want to be normal and have fun and not have to worry about things. I want to not feel stressed out every time ... well, all the time. Because that is where I am at right now. I am feeling constantly stressed out. I am always overwhelmed. I often feel the need to run and hide under the covers or under my desk (there seems to be something about hiding underneath things right now). But I am also in that want to run around screaming and singing place. I think that place is called... mania?

I am in a bad, attention craving sort of place. I find myself texting the young'n, simply because I know that he will feed my ego, and I could use that sort of thing right now. I am beginning to wonder, am I feeling really down on myself, or do I actually have a huge ego? Hmmm... I think maybe it depends on the day. I do crave attention, which I think show a little of the manic side.

I have yet to be officially diagnosed as bipolar. I often wonder about that. It is something I think I might want to bring up to Dr. Merling at some point. Do I need a stabilizer in addition to my anti-anxiety, anti-panic type drugs? I don't know. Do I even want to be diagnosed? Yes and no. Reasons to follow.

YES:
1. I can begin to try and find that perfect blend of meds that will keep me somewhere in the middle.
2. I will finally have an honest and upfront explanation for why I tend to behave the way that I do, therefore, making me feel less guilty on those days when I don't function at all.
3. I can quit wondering and just learn to manage the disease.

NO:
1. Insurance is hard to get once you are diagnosed with a severe mental illness.
2. Will people who don't know me as well begin to judge me if they find out, for instance, men in my life?
3. If I am diagnosed, will I truly begin to consider myself as a crazy person? Will I truly BE a crazy person?

But I suppose it is better for me to know what is going on with my body and mind so I can properly treat it, regardless of what else I might have going on.

I don't know. I just really wish I knew what was going on with me and why I am feeling the way that I do so often lately.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

I have once again completely managed to lose my focus. I am beginning to doubt my abilities in my career as well as in life. I am terrified of sinking into somewhere dark and deep as I have been so many times before.



But then, sometimes I drop some weight when I do that. Which is definitely something that I want to do more than anything else.

I actually came out to EM last night and told her it was time for operation starve. Of course, that caused her to freak a little bit as expected. But I figured if anyone would understand, it would be her. After all, she comes from quite the similar background.

The more we learn about each other, the more we really seem to be twins. We have a ridiculous amount of things in common. I really love her.

I am feeling ridiculous. I am depressed, down in the dumps, and want to crawl in a hole and disappear at the same time that my mind and thoughts are racing, and I don't (can't) sit still. I don't know what that means, but I am feeling really screwed up right now. It seems unusual to have two things that are such polar opposites going on in my head at the exact same time. It does not seem like that should be allowed.

At lunch I am going to take a walk down to the library in hopes that maybe being outside and going for a walk will help to clear my head. I have absolutely no idea if that will work or not, but I figure it might be worth a try, right?

I sent a panicked email to my mother, which I am now deeply regretting, because I hate having other people know how freaked out I get. I have become a perfectionist at hiding whatever it is that is wrong with me. I don't even really want to hide it. I want to scream out loud at anyone and everyone who could or would care to hear me. I want to sit and cry. I want to run around and never stop. I want to throw myself into someone's arms sobbing until I can figure out what it is that I am supposed to be doing with my life.

I thought I knew. I really did. I thought this was it.

Could I have been wrong? Could I truly not be cut out for this public accounting world? Could I really not be management material the way that everyone has always been telling me that I am? I am really just a complete fuck-up? Cause that is how I have been feeling for quite some time now. Pretty much since I wasn't good enough for Chris. Even though I know that he is not a good man, especially not for me, the whole thing has made me feel like a failure. I failed at that, therefore, I fail at life.

Something is wrong with my brain.