Tuesday, September 16, 2008

I go through periods of craziness. I can be completely crazy. I also go through periods where I try like hell to force myself to be normal. Today I am trying like hell to force myself to be normal.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Well, I finally called a psychiatrist. I am nervous about having to pay for it, but I suppose if he can help me to be better, than I will deal with the cost of it. I suppose there are some things that you just have to suck it up and deal with in order to be a stronger, healthier, person. And unfortunately for me, spending money to get healthy is one of them.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

I just haven't been able to bring myself to write lately. Not at all. No journaling, no blogging, no webook... nothing. I think my brain is completely screwed up. I have been feeling completely non-functional lately, and it has been really hard, especially since I am expected to work a lot and hard, and well.

I am exhausted, and yet my brain constantly runs at a mile a minute. I am feeling cranky and tired, and I am truly unsure of how to handle myself anymore.

I am supposed to be increasing the dosage of my medication last night, but I unfortunately forgot about it. So I only took one pill instead of two. Oops. I am sure one more night of the low dose is not going to hurt me at all, but still, if I can do anything to make all of these feelings a little bit better, then I want to do it!

I am beginning to feel extremely tempted to call the psychiatrist to try and get a handle on my meds, and possibly going back to the therapist because I am feeling guilty about dumping on my friends all the time. Hell, I am feeling guilty about dumping in my other blogs, because then I feel like I am dumping on the people that read it. Its sad really, and a little bit silly, but it is how I am feeling and it is what is going on with me.

This one is the only one that I have that is pretty much private, so I am writing here now. But on the other hand, NO ONE can see my paper journal, and I am not writing there. The reason for that is, I am honestly having a little trouble holding a pen. It is like the grips in my hands have broken. I can't hold things anymore. I am not sure what happened or how it happened or anything. It stresses me out beyond anything that I can understand, and I am feeling like a constant waste of space.

I am non productive, non functioning, and a failure at life.

I know it sounds like I am just incredibly down on myself, and let me be perfectly honest... I am. I am feeling like a person that I hate right now, someone that I don't want to be anymore. I have been trying to "fix" myself for the last seven years, and finally it seems like I know what is going on with who I actually might be, and now I feel like I have even less control over myself and who I am than I ever did before!

I feel like my head is working less, I feel like I am less satisfied with who I am and what I do, and I just feel completely overwhelmed by life and what it is these days. I feel like I am the wrong person and I am not myself in any way. I feel like I have lost control over every single aspect of my life and I hate it... So much.