Wednesday, October 21, 2009

I'm stressed.
No word.
Always waiting.
Always wondering...


Tuesday, October 20, 2009

No word on Jason's job yet. I have been holding onto my "worry stone" and wishing I had my "believe" necklace (I left it at my mom's house the last time I was there). Something (anything!) about luck.

Friday I am headed to Toledo. I cannot wait, because it is time for our annual girls in Frankenmuth trip. I love going there. It has not been determined yet if Jason is coming to Toledo with me or not, but because I will not be around at all on Saturday (that's when we are going) I am not sure that I really care a whole lot.

So the trip is my mom, my sister, my Aunt Laurie, my cousin Megan, and myself. We were actually able to plan it a little bit in advance this year, which is pretty unusual for us, and it has managed to not fall apart, which is a HUGE deal. We tend to suck at plans as a general rule.

I am starting to work myself into a panic. That is bad. Of course it is all about Jason and the things that are going on there. The job, etc. I have to stop, I have to stop, I have to calm down. Breathe, Em, breathe.

I have to get a handle on myself. I sound ridiculous. I sound obsessed. I am over being "that girl". I have done so well for the last few months at leaving that crazy part of me behind. I have to keep it up. I have to forget the drama of our past, forget the potential drama of our future, and keep living my life. I want to be a successful life-liver. Hell, I want to be a success in general. I want to be successful in everything that I do.

Wow. This is starting to sound a little bit mania driven, and I had been able to break away from that for a while. So it is a little bit stressful that I have been doing well for a while, and then something that MIGHT happen is very traumatic for me, and it is really throwing me off. It is stressing me out, making my heart race, and making me want to cry almost all the time. I really hate these things. I hate living with everything up in the air.

I know it has only been six months since we got back together. I know it has only been a year since we started seeing each other in the first place, but the thing is, it HAS to be going somewhere because damn it, if it wasn't, why would we be back together after everything that we have been through. Life for the two of us in a relationship has been so stressful that I have once in a while questioned what I was doing with him, why was I still with him, or why was I waiting for him to figure it out.

And here, in some small way, he seems to have figured it out. At least, he appears to be on his way to realizing that he needs to not screw this up. We have been screwed up way too many times to make this work anymore if things get messed up again. That is a decision that I have already made. I will not be getting back together with him again if we break up. If we break up this time, it is over.

God. Why am I talking like that? Why am I even thinking that way? It is most likely because I am in such a state over this moving, etc. I am just stressed out. I want to go for a run, right now. God damn it.

Friday, October 16, 2009

I wrote yesterday, but I actually wrote in my paper journal. It was the first time I had gotten it out since July and so much has happened since then. I wonder if I could somehow piece everything together. Although I leave one or the other or the next alone for awhile, I am always writing. I mean, I would be willing to put money on the fact that there are very few holes. But that would take a lot of work. I think one of these days I will get myself an external hard drive (it is on my list of 101 things after all!) so I can put all of my pictures, music, and downloaded versions of my journals on it. Maybe then at some point I will be able to go through all of the files and get some kind of complete order to my life.

Hmm... maybe that would be something good to do to get my memoir all written. I am missing a paper journal or two around as a result of some ex boyfriends that I was trying to sell my soul to. Gah. I should probably mention that part in the memoir since that is where so much of my information is going to be coming from.

I got a little behind on the novel writing last night because I was a little distracted when I was at work, and then I spent most of my rehearsal onstage, so I didn't get to write then either. I started to, but it was in a separate word document because I forgot my thumb drive. That was a little frustrating.

Jason's interview is today. I am REALLY internally freaking out about it, but I am trying desperately to distract myself from it so I don't have to think about it. I am sure he is going to want to talk about it, and so I am going to have to maintain composure and listen (and not play Ella and have to excuse myself from the table to go and cry).

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

I am writing again. I am trying to do the November novel thing. I am not exactly writing a novel, it is more a semi-fictional account of how I am feeling about this Jason moving situation. So it is not completely untrue, however, I am not sure how accurate it is going to be, since I don't even know how that situation is going to turn out at this point.

I am starting to work on an outline and stuff now, so once November starts I will be able to dive in and write. I always have the best of intentions going into this, and then run out of things to say about 5 days in. And then I just give up. This year I am determined to get all the way through the 50,000 words or whatever it is, and have a real product to show for it.

Jason and I are getting together tonight. We are going to make tacos for dinner and just have a relaxing evening at home. I am trying to remain calm about what is coming on Friday, which has been really tough for me. I am obviously not all that calm about it considering I am going to be writing my first novel on the subject, as well as it is all I can talk about here lately. I am embarrassed about the "praying to God daily that he doesn't get it" thing. It is embarrassing and I am not sure how he will be if he doesn't get it. I have no idea what kind of toll that will take on his attitude.

I am trying not to worry too much about that yet. I mean, we don't know. We don't know. I have to keep repeating that to myself over and over and over. Not that the repetition is really helping me in any way, but I feel like maybe, just maybe, I will be able to convince myself of it sometime before Friday. However, I am still praying that he doesn't get it, because I am apparently terrible like that. I know, I know, I am beginning to get repetitious even in my writing. I hate that.

So I have yoga at lunch today. This is the 4th class we have had. I am really enjoying it, and it is really relaxing to me. It helps me to get through the afternoon on Wednesdays a lot more easily.

Work is good, busy, but good. I have a deadline this week, and another in a month. I worked late last night, which was really stressful, but hey, I gotta get it done, right?

The family is... dramatic, as always. I am just ready for that part of my life to calm down, so I don't have that extra thing on my brain bugging me all the time. I am not sure when (or even IF) that'll relax, but I am trying to take all of it in stride.

I was supposed to walk in the Making Strides against Breast Cancer walk this past Sunday, but because I was out of town, I did not. However, I feel like this isn't that big of a deal because they still got my money, right? And Kansas City was definitely the more interesting/fun and maybe even important (considering my relationship) decision.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

I have been really sucky at trying to get everything written in every day. All I have to do here is one month. I can't get more than 6 or 7 days! Gah! And I really am trying hard. So boo hiss. I was going to try and remember to blog from my cell this weekend, but I completely forgot. Oh well. I guess I start my ass over today. Grrr...

Its lunchtime. I sent J a message about a half hour ago, and I haven't heard from him. In fact, I have not heard from him all day which is enough to stress me out COMPLETELY. I get that its stupid, but honestly, I cannot help it. I am so afraid of this job out of town thing, that most things are stressing me out more than they should right now. GAH!

Kansas City this past weekend was a great time. It was a long drive (about 8 hours) but it could have been worse. I got to meet Jason's uncle (his second favorite after Bruce) as well as the whole gang that he goes out there to golf with a few times a year. They all seemed really nice, and I had a good time with them. They all also seemed to think Jason really likes me a lot. I figured that he must like me because when I got there, they all knew who I was! There is something to be said for that.

I got to go to my first ever professional football game. It was really great. Tailgating was fun. It was freezing, but I really had fun.

Now if only we could work out this long distance thing, however it is going to happen. :(

Friday, October 9, 2009

Sometimes I wonder why I am not invited. It frustrates me. Basically I am talking about a facebook group that alot of my high school friends (Jason included) are in, but I was not invited. Super lame, says I. Okay, as it turns out (now that I look more closely) only three of my high school friends are in it, plus the group's creator, so 4. I feel a little better.

We leave tonight for KC. I am pretty excited about the whole thing. Once I got to his house last night, things were good. He seemed kind of moody when I called him after my game last night. So I admittedly was worried that he was flaking out about something, as he tends to do that, and I really do not want him to do that anymore, ever. We have done that way too many times now for it to happen again. If it does happen again, I am done. I just cannot do it anymore.

I should not be talking like that or thinking like that. Not right now, anyway. Not when things are going well!

I got (and by got, I mean "ordered") Jason's Christmas gift yesterday. I emailed Scott Dewey, who is a friend of Bruce and Michelle's, and asked him if he would make cornhole boards for Jason. I think it is the perfect gift, and I am so excited to give them to him, because I think he will LOVE them. Hopefully he does love them as much as I think he will. I am getting them for a really good price, I think, and so I am excited about it. I'll be saving some $$ on them, which is great, and I think he will really like it, which makes it the perfect thing!

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Tomorrow we leave. I cannot wait to have a day off, even though we are going to be travelling on it, almost entirely. I can't wait to be back in St. Louis, back where there is magic.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Okay, I got through Wednesday. I got through the Tiger's game last night, only crying a little. Jason took me out last night to BW3 so I could watch the game there. We had a good time and maybe we drank too much, but it happens.

It was a good time even though they lost. I am really really bummed out about it, but I am still glad that I got to go and see them. I would have loved if they won though, with Jason and Chris there would have been a decent opportunity for me to get to go to a playoff game or something. But damn. Not happening.

I felt like I got absolutely nothing done at work today. It was SO FRUSTRATING to me to feel that way. It was so stressful.

I think that this new thing is beginning to get to me. I still think its a good change, but it is very stressful.

I love Jason. Very much. I am excited for our trip to Kansas City. I am excited to meet more of his family. I am excited for this step. I am praying that we keep moving, that things continue to move forward. I truly am praying.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Tuesday. I have plans with J tonight. We are going to go to BW3 to watch the Tigers game. I REALLY hope that they win.

Also, I wanted to be at this seminar today and it looks like there is pretty much no way that it is going to happen. I feel completely slammed today, and like there is pretty much no way that I am going to get out of here at any time that would be considered reasonable to be able to get things done. It is currently 12:30 pm. I have a training at 1 pm. It lasts until 3. It would then take me 15 minutes to get down there. So I would be down there by 3:15 or 3:30 at the earliest. Its over at 4:30/5 anyway. It just does not seem worth it. I have been looking forward to it for weeks!

Jason's cousin Chris and his fiancee came to town last night. They didn't get in until 11, and by then we were completely wiped out. It was kind of a bummer, honestly, because we do have fun with them when we get a chance to spend time with them (unless everyone is drunk, then it can get bad!)

Monday, October 5, 2009

I feel like it has been quite a while since I wrote anything of substance here. Its just been hard. I have been updating my blogger account when I am feeling panicky - I created that one simply for the racing and ridiculous run-on sentences that spring into my mind when I feel like I am going to panic. I just know that those things are ridiculous to read when I am not in that strange state of mental distress, so I would hate for anyone else to read it. It has been a really good outlet for me over the last few months. It has helped me from getting into a screaming/yelling/crying state that has seemed to very often accompany my feelings in that time.

So yeah, that has been getting some of my substance entries as well.

Nothing yet on the potential move, other than the fact that he will be interviewing there on October 16. I am not a fan. Everyone, I vote no on this issue. Sigh. Its not my choice, however. I have made my opinion known, and loudly, when it comes up, but generally I have been attempting to keep my mouth shut, even though it is difficult. I just want things to work out.

I am thrilled to know that we are going to do the long distance thing. I am happy that he thinks of me when we're apart. He'll send flowers to my office (psst... I got flowers at the office last week!) But still, I guess where I am stressing is how far forward can you move when you are apart. I am 26. That is nothing to sneeze at. But because I am 26, I am no longer interested in relationships that are going no where. I don't feel like we are going nowhere, but at the same time, won't it be hard to go somewhere when we're so far apart for a while? I guess the thing is, I will have to mention this.

I feel like at some point, if things are still going well, I am going to have to move. I have no idea when, but I especially have no idea how to bring this up. We are going to have to be ready to live together at that point. I certainly will not be able to afford a place of my own at that point, because I would have to leave my job, at least on some kind of leave of absence (if they would let me do that!) and I could not make enough money as a waitress or bartender to completely support myself. He will be making PLENTY of money if he gets this job though, so as long as we can work it out, I am not too worried. He would help me, I would like to think.

But that is beside the point right now. I don't even know how to tell him what I am thinking about this right now. I mean, it is probably one of those things that will just happen naturally, and I probably shouldn't bring it up because he is the man who freaks out over things. *sigh* That makes me crazy. I guess eventually (hopefully) he'll get through that and get over it, but I am not sure how long that will take.

We're off to Kansas City this weekend. I will be meeting his Uncle Tim for the first time. I am not sure if this is a big thing or not. I mean, several girlfriends have met him, I think, but he has been telling me for the last year that Tim wanted to meet me because I am pretty special. Jen, Amanda and I are the only girlfriends who have been in this situation though where we go out there and spend time with the family. Well, Jocelyn probably, but she is the ex-wife! And her situation is a completely different game, I think.

The whole thing is stressing me out. I am once again to that point where I want to know what is going on and what is going to happen. I know, I know. No one knows the answers to those things right now. I don't, Jason probably doesn't. But in my head, I really want to save myself a lot of long-term heartache if this is not the right thing. I mean, I told Shannon just yesterday (see? I am trying really hard to make friends in this show!) that, yes, I do think he is the one. And after all that we have been through, there must be some kind of very important reason that we keep coming back to each other, over and over again. Right? Does anyone else out there see that the way that I do? (Yes, I am seeking reassurance that I am not being stupid with all of this.)

This is the majority of my life right now. Jason and rehearsals. That is about it. I try and see him as often as possible. Especially because I am not sure how often he is going to be around if he gets this job. I have no idea how often I will get to see him. It is very stressful and worrisome that things might change for us just when things are getting back to normal. I know that I am in love with him. I also know that I believe he is in the same place that he was a year ago. That he could very easily fall in love with me. Naturally, I have no definitive proof of that, but the way that he has been acting. I think things are different now. Carol said that he seems more stable to her than he has in a long time. Meaning, pretty much since she met him last winter.

God let me talk about something else? Why is this so all consuming? I hope that once we know what is going to happen, if he is going to move, my life will be able to better fall into place where it is supposed to be.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

I hate Sundays. They are my worst day for mood.

I worry way too much, I think. God, I hate myself for it.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

So... I am head over heels in love with him. There is absolutely nothing that I can do to change how I am feeling about him. I am heartbroken that he could even consider moving. Heartbroken. I mean... I have no control over it, but I am heartbroken. We aren't breaking up, but I am still completely broken over it. Broken.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Damn damn damn. I did not write yesterday, which means I have to start that count over AGAIN. I was really close the first time around, and have only gotten 2 or 3 days since then. Damn damn damn.

Jason seems to be of the opinion this morning that when life hands you lemons, you should squirt them in the eye. I felt like that meant something had happened, and kind of drilled him on it. I feel bad for drilling him, but I cannot help the worry. I mean, admittedly, my immediate thought was that Jen had called. God, if I ever hated anyone, it is her. However, I got off the phone with him at 11 pm and he was already in bed. And then this message about lemons was around 6:30 am. So I am truly hoping he is just in a mood today (as he tends to get that way sometimes), as he insisted it was. I couldn't stand the thought of her getting in my way right as things are finally the way that they should have been a year ago!

So world, keep your fingers crossed, just as I am.

No word yet on whether the move to Lafayette is happening. He is interviewing there officially on October 16. I have mixed feelings about it. It means a big raise, a great opportunity for his career, etc, etc, but it means he will be leaving me for two years-ish. I hate that too. It has been determined that we are not going to break up just because he is moving away, but two years is a long time to have a weekend relationship. I mean, we have both admitted to missing each other after 3 days! I am just not sure how we'll get along with once per week, or even once every two weeks!

Its going to stress me out. At some point, I feel like I am going to have to say, if this is still working after xxx amount of time, we should consider me moving out there. I mean, how long should you be with someone when you are 26 and 28 (soon to be 29?) before you make things permanent? I mean, we have been together for 6 months, and we have been on and off (more on) for the last year, so I am not sure on those things. I know that you do not need to do the "be together for at least 4 years" thing once you get to our ages, as you are done developing into who you will become at that point. That was some insight that I received from my therapist. It helps to know that, but I am still not sure how and when that will apply to me.

I wish he would cheer up. I love happy Jason.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Today is casual date night for Em & Jason. Friday is fancy date night. As in, I am wearing a dress. Sweet.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

I am apparently going on a date on Friday night. Jason I guess is taking me out. I think that means that I am supposed to wear a dress. I have only been on a few real dates in my time, and that includes that steak dinner with Rob back in April. That was so nice, it made me uncomfortable. Additionally, the making out in the upper level of the restaurant next to a giant crystal chandelier made me very uncomfortable. He was trying so hard to be my boyfriend, and I was obviously still in love with Jason. But I tried, I guess that was all that I could do at the time.

I sometimes wonder if all of the things that I did during that period in time were helpful or hurtful in my "moving on" (which obviously never happened!). I mean, I had fun with Dan. We drank too much and all of that, but we always used protection, we had fun, and he provided me with an easy, light and casual distraction from real life and how badly I was hurting. Work was doing the same thing for me at the time. I was very very busy, and I did not let myself have very much alone time at all. It was the best thing for me at the time. I ran around and had a really good time at least.

I have zero regrets about Dan, except for the fact that I never told him what was going on with Jason, and I just stopped returning his calls. That might have been stupid. After all, it made me lose my chance to go for a ride on the bike. I do feel bad about that. Maybe one of these days I will give him a call and see if he wants to meet for a drink. At least with me and maybe some of the Wholesale girls and Lisa.

Sometimes I wonder if J has any clue how badly I was feeling at that time. A lot of the time, I think no, as he seems to easily brush me off with out so much as a second thought. I mean, not now, of course, but while everything was going down with Jen, things were a lot different. It was like he couldn't figure it out. I really cannot wrap my head around what his problem was for so long there. Carol once asked him out and out what the hell the deal was. I am not sure how I should react to his response. Carol says it is a good thing, and I will have to take her word for it.

Enough about that time in my life, it was too hard, it was too terrible.

I need to save my legs. They are bugging me...

No time for that today though! Tonight consists of the gym, rehearsal and going home to pay some bills. Good times with the bill-paying... Ew.

Maybe I will get a little chance tonight after rehearsal. I hope so, because I am exhausted of feeling hairy. It makes me feel unattractive, but I guess it kind of does make me unattractive.

So I was thinking about getting a Brazilian before Jason and I go to Vegas. I have no idea where I can get one of those, but I always have thought about it, and being in the sun in my bikini is the right time to have one! So I leave here on the 6th of November. So maybe around the 3rd or the 4th I should get it done. I am going to have to look into different places around here to get it done. I should ask Jess, I know at one point she wanted to do that herself, so maybe she has some insight into places to go and people to see.

I got flowers in the office today. Jason. He is a sweetie. I do love him. I haven't gotten flowers from him in almost a year. I guess I am getting back to the point that I wanted with him. Back to where we would have been headed a year ago if circumstances hadn't screwed everything up. Maybe we'll finally get there. Maybe things will finally come together the way that we wanted them to so long ago. Its amazing to see that after a year, things are finally getting there. Finally.

At least I hope this is the case.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Monday morning once again. I am back at it, as I tend to be on Monday mornings. I am pretty much exhausted at this point. It was a long, stressful weekend. I wish it was a long relaxing weekend, but it was not. I could use one of those, but I am not expecting it until Jason and I get away again to go to Kansas City. Then there will not be any pressure on us to try and get things done, I don't have to worry about going to rehearsal.

Friday, September 25, 2009

It's Friday. Jason comes back home today. I cannot wait to see him tonight. I know he misses me (he told me yesterday), and I admittedly miss him too, but I really do feel better after yesterday.

He called me when I was at rehearsal last night. When I am the slightest bit disinterested, he tries very hard to get my attention back on him. I kind of enjoy it. It is like him jumping up and down screaming, "hey, I'm over here! Look at me!" It makes me giggle thinking about it.

I just got back from having lunch with Kaitlin (my coworker) and a few mutual friends that we have. It was nice. I also stopped on the way over there to pick up tickets to see rent. Jason and I are going the thursday of when its here...

Thursday, September 24, 2009

I very nearly had a panic attack this morning. And then I asked the question that I needed to ask. I got the balls to do it. I asked Jason if we were going to break up if he moves away. He told me that he did care about me too much for that to be a reason to break up. Then he added a teasing bit saying, "it's not like there are any girls in Lafayette anyway." Ass. But now I feel better.

I needed to hear it and I needed to know that he felt the same way that I did so I could take a deep breath and realize that everything was going to be ok.

I mean, it still sucks a lot that he might be moving, but to know that I am not get dumped as a result helps a lot.

I guess we'll see what happens. He should be finding out pretty soon what is going on with the job. I want him to get it because I know it will be good for his career. I don't want him to get it because it means he'll be leaving me for at least a year. And that sucks.

So I am settled in with my new team. I am sitting on the other side of the office now, and I have my desk all arranged the way that I want it. I have been pretty busy all day, and I went and had lunch with the two women that I will be working with more often than any others. Things have been good for day one on the team. Its quiet, but for the first time, this white noise machine seems to be really nice. It is humming right above my head, and I kind of like it. It seems to keep my head in the game where it needs to be.

I am drinking less coffee because I have managed to switch to decaf tea in the afternoon. I just like to drink hot things as it is way too cold in here. It is so cold that when I made my first cup of tea, my brain thought "I should dump this on myself, it would feel good." What the heck kind of person thinks that?

Well, I should work solidly for the last hour and a half-ish of the day. So, signing out.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

I want to write today. I want to do nothing BUT write today. Well, that, and go to yoga, as it is my first class at work today. I think it is pretty sweet that we get to take a yoga class over lunch. How many other accounting/law firms can say that they do that? We are paying for it ourselves, but we are paying $2 per class and we get twelve classes.

Naturally, the day is not turning out like that at all. I got a call from Debbie with MCP needing tax help. Naturally, I agreed to give her a hand. So that is how I have pretty much spent my entire morning. I feel like I can probably chalk it up as "professional reading" since it was tax work, and tax work relating to the 990, which is what I will be working on a lot going forward on my NEXT new team.

Okay, so here in a few minutes I will be leaving to go and change to get ready for my yoga class. This will be the first actual class I have ever taken, as whenever I have done it before it was with a TV guy or something. A workout video maybe.

Ok, I am back from my yoga class now. It was fun and a bit interesting. I am not sure how I felt about it exactly. It was nice to get out of the office and do something else for a little while, we did 50 minutes of poses and then a 10 minute meditation.

Well, I am all moved in at my latest, greatest new cube. So far, so good. It didn't take too long to get packed up and move over here. So I am all set up across the office, as part of the NFP team, and getting ready to take on whatever new things may come. We'll see how this all goes. I am happy to be here as of right now. We will see what all of these guys are like, and how I feel about being here after a few weeks, but as of right now, things are pretty good! The people all seem to be pretty cool, even though I have really only worked with one of the co-ops (she used to be MY co-op) and the two tax people, since they have been giving me work all summer.


Tuesday, September 22, 2009

I am beginning to wonder if that was one of those things said to appease me. Ha. I don't know. He's being a pain in the arse. I guess that is par for the course in our relationship.

I am getting to that scary panicky point that I sometimes get to. I hate that crap. I hate that sometimes I get like that and I feel like that. It is... indescribable for me. I hate the fact that this happens to me every once in a while. I just took my little magical pill that sometimes gets me to calm down (oh, valium, how I love thee).

Deep breath... Its all good.

Monday, September 21, 2009

I am making a HUGE change to my life. I am going to break a habit that I have had since I was a little girl. It has been rather self-destructive for me, as it keeps my confidence from being what it should. Its disgusting, but... I pick scabs. Because I have always done this, my arms and legs are full of scars. So today is day 1. Neosporin and telling myself not to do it (as well as Mederma for the ones that I already have) are going to be key products for me.

I really want to stop this. I am goingto defeat this once and for all!

Crap. I was just sitting over in someone else's cube, and I ripped one off while we were talking. Do over. Starting fresh. I can DO THIS!

I think the meeting that I had with Lisa (NEW Lisa, not the one I have talked about before a lot, but Lisa on my NEW team) was really productive this morning. She taught me a lot, plus we got to talk a lot, which was good because we are getting to know each other. If I am going to be working with her a lot more often, it is probably good for the two of us to spend time talking to each other and getting to know each other. It makes working together a lot easier!

Jason and I are doing well. I am getting to the freak out point about whether or not he is going to be moving to Indiana as it is looking more and more likely every single day, which is enough to CRUSH me. He says he will not forget about me, and also that we'll go to Europe on vacation if he does move, but that does not completely shake my worry. It still stresses me out on the day-to-day stuff that I sometimes feel like I need him for. For instance, just getting a hug from him. That is one of those things that you just NEED when you are having a bad day. A hug from someone you love.

Speaking of love...

Jason has said that he loves me. Not just in the "I love you" sort of way when we kiss goodbye or something, but in the "well, I love you, isn't that enough?" teasing sort of way. But I will take it. He also has said something along the lines of "I just try and be a good boyfriend, take care of you and stuff, and then you're mean to me." Again, he is teasing, but it cracks me up. And I will take what I can get, as I know it is true!

He makes me insanely happy. And I think he finally might be moving on from all of the drama of his past. I suppose that maybe we might finally be able to be in a REAL relationship. After doing this on and off thing for a year, we might finally be able to just BE. Be together. At least, I feel like that is finally the direction that things are going in. I have wanted it to feel like this for a year now.

Now I just have to cross my fingers that he goes with the flow as well instead of getting scared and freaking out.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

100 posts. Today.

I want to be in bed with Jason. Now.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Another day, and another time of writing in this silly little book. Well, book like object, since it is actually online.

Speaking of books, Lisa is right, I definitely need to get back at the writing thing. I DEFINITELY have an interesting story to tell, as planned, and I truly should be getting at it and writing it more often, as it is something neat, I think. I wonder if things with J and I work out, how he will take being published if that was ever to happen. I guess I keep writing as I have been writing, and wait and see. I can always go and change the names. In fact, I will have to change the names, and I might even write under a pen name myself.

I am going to try and write at least 1 page every day. Maybe once we get into the november novel month or whatever, I will try to pump out more than that. I am starting to get to the point where I might have to pull out some old journals to recall what was going on in my life at any given time. After all, there is 4 years of Jon and I, and absolutely no way to recall all of that. It was 4 years of ups and downs? Hell, I want to dedicate at least an entire chapter to that relationship, as it was the longest I have ever been in, and therefore there should be a lot to say about it.

I am trying to be semi-productive at work today, even though I do not have a lot left to do. I know that there are things here that I need to get done, and things that I should be doing, but it is really hard to motivate myself, knowing that I have next to nothing to do. I am trying though. Trying to get at least one thing done every day.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

All right. Another day down, and it was a big one because it was crazy with lots of running around. But, I got through it, and maybe I am a better woman for it? I hope so. Not only that, but now all of my September 15 work is done. Yes, I know that is today, but I am still pleased to have everything off of my desk now. It is AWESOME.

I have a few things due on October 15, but I have decided to relax a little more today, and get those things done starting tomorrow. I deserve a day to relax. So today is going to be that day. I am going to spend the duration doing nothing. I am just going to relax, sit around, blog, etc. Basically I am going to spend the entire day slacking off.

Then tomorrow I am going to get back at it!

Well, I might as well do a few things today and get them off my plate as things come in. I might as well try and keep at it, and get through things (and be billable!)

I crossed two more things off my list. It is not even 11:30 yet, so admittedly, I am pleased with me. Considering my morning started off a little rough, getting up around 5:15 to go to spinning with Katie, leaving my pills, purse and computer at Jason's and therefore rushing around to try and get it done. Well, I got back to J's and got what I needed to get and am therefore much more calm now. And I am even more calm now that I have several things that were on my list completed.

I naturally still have a few more things that I would like to accomplish today (for instance, I need to get a passport photo taken), but I have made a decent dent in things.

I went and got my photo taken when I went out to get something for lunch, so I am pleased to have that crossed off my list. Now I need to find my birth certificate and actually go and apply for the passport itself. Jason told me that if he moves away, he is going to take me to Europe next summer to appease me. I think he is going to take me to Europe anyway. That kind of lit the fire under my butt about taking care of these things, and so the picture is done. Now I have to find the copy of my birth certificate that my mom got for me so I can take that to the post office and apply for the passport!

Yay for Europe!

Monday, September 14, 2009

Well, another weekend has come and gone. Luckily for me, the next one will come even more quickly than the last one! I am quite excited about it. Back to Toledo, again, which I am getting kind of tired of, but whatever. It is something that J and I are sharing, which always makes me happy. :)

I am seeing him again tonight. He wants to watch football.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Friday, September 11, 2009

Friday. I have been waiting for Friday all week long. Jason and I have plans tonight and tomorrow night as well. I am afraid that I might be monopolizing his time, which is one of those things that causes him to freak out. I hate that these things are his idea, and yet he gets upset (during his freakouts) and is all "I need space" etc. I would have been more than willing to let him go out with his friends tonight, and I would go out with mine, and all of that would be fine. Grr to him, I say.

I just don't like that he gets so flustered with me sometimes, when a lot of times things are not entirely my fault. After all, especially this time around, it is he who is getting closer to ME!

Oh well, I guess I just need to take things as they come, play this game the way that he seems to like to play it. I hate calling this a game, but that is definitely what it is, unfortunately. I mean, if I let him come to me instead of pursuing him, he always comes, every single time. If that is not a game, I don't know what is. I don't think he sees it as such, however. He is cut from a different cloth, that is for certain.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Thursday. Can't wait for tomorrow.

J and I are planning a trip to Vegas. Looks like the second weekend in November. I am EXCITED for that.

Things are staying on the up and up!
Thursday. Can't wait for tomorrow.

J and I are planning a trip to Vegas. Looks like the second weekend in November. I am EXCITED for that.

Things are staying on the up and up!

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

After yesterday's entry of pseudo-substance, I feel slightly better about my ability to still write. I was beginning to question it will all of my flakey entries about love and garbage like that. I am a writer, dammit. I want to write things of substance. Why is it that when my life sucks, I write things of much better quality.

I am just stressed out I think. Work has been difficult lately as there is a lot going on.

I am getting worried about work. My brain is hurting and I cannot seem to do anything right today. I am getting super stressed about it, which is only making things worse and making it harder for me to get anything done. It is making me make stupid and costly mistakes which is a nightmare for me because then I see something and I am like "Why did I do that that way? That does not even make sense!"

And the unfortunately part about that is that it is happening with a manager that I have not really worked with before. Luckily, I did one other return with her last week, and it had no changes to it. It went directly to Rich. So that was something good. But still, I hate making such a fool of myself.

I am hanging with J tonight.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

I am going to try to write a slightly more "real" entry, one with a little bit more substance than the other ones that I have written over the last few days. It really is theraputic for me to get things down on "paper", and so I really should take better care to do it.

The weekend was really good. I am not sure how to say it other than that. I cried briefly in Morgan's room (where I was sleeping) during Bruce and Michelle's party to Bruce. I am not even entirely sure why I was crying. But I was sitting next to him on the bed with tears running down my face. He was reassuring me over and over that J loves me and it is obvious to everyone that he does. I just feel like I need the security of a REAL relationship. I guess I am in one though? I just don't know what it is.

Bruce seems confident that we'll end up together. At least, in the long run. Its the current state of our relationship that I am having a hard time wrapping my head around and understanding. I guess I just have to go with it as is though, and just keep hoping for the best.

I did make my mom's twisties for the party though. They were quite the hit! I was excited to share something that my family loves with Jason's family because they are important to me, and someday I would like them to be a part of my family too.

I started my Christmas shopping already. Mostly just for J at this point. But still, it is good to have taken a step in the right direction as far as getting that stuff done! I always feel more accomplished when I am getting things squared away.

I should add that to my list. Create Christmas gift spreadsheet.

Crap. I was going to register for two sections of the CPA exam so I could cross that off my list, but they only take Visa or Mastercard, which means I cannot do that until the 15th (next Monday, I think) at the earliest. Damn damn damn. I really want to pass 2 sections by the new year. That is my goal. And I would LOVE to be done by next fall. Not sure how likely that is, but I would LOVE it. I am really hoping that after paying all of my bills for the 15th I have enough money leftover to at least get one NTS for 1 exam taken care of.

Monday, September 7, 2009

Wow. Is this really possible? Could what I have always wanted actually be right here next to me, finally? God, I love him.

Please god, help me. Help me to have him, to have us, to have what I really want.
Wow. Is this really possible? Could what I have always wanted actually be right here next to me, finally? God, I love him.

Please god, help me. Help me to have him, to have us, to have what I really want.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Sunday. We're back in the 'nati. The party was good. I cried a little to Bruce. He told me not to worry, Jason is over Jen. I have faith. I am just tired of all of the garbage. He said that J is a Nickles, this is how it is. Damn...

However it is good to know that it isn't just me, and that he does love me.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Saturday, and I am in Toledo. I just made dessert for going to Bruce's later. I am really quite pleased with how well it went. I think Jason will be excited and maybe even a little (dare I say it?) proud.

We'll see how the rest of the weekend goes.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Friday. We go home tonight. We see Bruce and Michelle tomorrow afternoon. I am excited to see what the hell they had to say to Jason last time we were home that changed things so much. I don't want to jinx things though... Maybe I should just not believe in that, and then it won't happen?

We're leaving at three.

I went to cornhole with Jason last night, and got to see Lindsay for the first time since we got back together. That was fun. Its almost like he is no longer caring about things. And by that, I mean, I feel like things are getting there with this getting over Jen thing.

God, I hope so.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Today is a little bit slower of a day, I hope. I am trying hard to get things done and to try and make life happen, but I am a little bit more tired today than I have been. Maybe this "limited coffee" thing is lame. Well, I knew it was lame, but maybe it is more lame than even I thought! I ended up drinking another cup. Whoops.

Everyone is getting all fired up on facebook about the healthcare stuff. It is one of those times when I am glad that Jason and I have the same (or at least very similar) political views. Something like this seems to really tear people apart!

We're coming in to Toledo tomorrow for a party at Bruce & Michelle's on Saturday. We'll see how it goes...

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

I am having another happy morning. I am beginning to think that something might be wrong with me because of how many good mornings I have had in a row! I hope that didn't just jinx me *knock on wood*

Shirley came over here as I was writing. That woman completely cracks me up. She said, as I was updating, "I don't care what you do. I just like to see what everyone else is up to." I love her. I am doing a few things for her right now. I am getting rather confused. He has losses to take the basis of something that has a high income amount.

Ok, I talked to Shirley and have that fixed now. Yahoo!

Moving on, back to work on a 990. I am staying busy these days, which is awesome. Earlier in the summer I was not busy at all. I guess it just took Julie to help me out, and now I am moving in the direction that I want to move. Yahoo.

Okay. Work now.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Jason misses me, I think. That makes me happy. He has been messaging me pretty consistently all day if he doesn't hear from me for a while. Admittedly, I like it. I am trying hard not to message him very often, hoping that he'll respond to me. I know how he is. If I give him the space that he wants, he'll come running to me. Its stupid, but we still are playing games after nearly a year of this garbage.

But at least I know the rules this time around, and I have gotten used to the game. I am proud of myself for that.

Well, I am slammed at work. I should get back to it!

Monday, August 31, 2009

It is amazing what a few weeks and then a few words can do for a relationship.

I'm happy.

My moods are starting to stabilize which is HUGE for me. Things are finally beginning to even out, which has been something that I wanted since my diagnosis.

And I am at work, busy. This is nice. It always is great to have a distraction regularly. It keeps me from having a meltdown, it keeps me from freaking out, etc. And Jason doesn't have to deal with my extremely dramatic mood swings.

Hooray for feeling better.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

I am in love. I am happy. I am really feeling wonderful.

I really hope to keep this up.
I am in love. I am happy. I am really feeling wonderful.

I really hope to keep this up.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Its Friday! Yahoo for that!

Things are good right now. I had dance rehearsal last night, and the number we are working on right now is a super fun one. It takes place on a pirate ship. We dance with swords, which makes it look really neat (especially when all of the swords are moving together). So I am pretty excited to keep the ball rolling at least with the dancing in this show, because it is really going to be awesome, I think.

Generally, I am having fun. There are some times when I would rather be doing something else, but the good outweighs the bad, I think.

I went to sleep with Jason again last night. Since we are driving to Toledo together today, it made sense for me to leave my car there with him, so we could just head north from downtown. So I got there last night, late, after I went out with my friends. I told him that if he was so concerned, he knew that we were going to Willie's, and he should have gone out there and met us all there. He knows that Thursday night is Willie's night, because he used to come with us pretty often!

So tonight we will be staying at Bruce's house. Tomorrow night we will be staying with my mom. I am kind of pleased at the way things are all turning out and shaping up in these different aspects of my life. I have moments of anxiety, moments of pure panic, but I feel like I am maybe slowly becoming calm enough to handle these moments appropriately. Or my medication is magical. Either way... I mean, I will take it!

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Yesterday was a good one. And I was with Jason all night last night, which is always awesome. It just feels good, feels safe to be near him.

I think things might be slowly getting better, getting more steady. I am being calm overall, and it has been 17 days (knock on wood) since I have had a major explosion to him. I have admittedly had a few internal ones, but overall, I am doing well. I am getting better at controlling things.

This sedative thing is weird though. It hasn't really been helping me sleep all that well or much, but if I skip it, I almost instantly feel a flair up in my ability to sit still. For instance, right now I am feeling like that.

Okay. Toledo tomorrow. Bring it.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Well... another day has come and gone. Once again I am feeling here, alone. At least I get to see J tonight. I truly miss him when I am not near him. Dumb as that may be, especially because I am lucky enough to see him pretty often, but I just cannot help it most of the time.

I am trying to sort through a mess I made of a return. Yesterday when I went through it, I almost cried. It made me feel horrible to be sitting in the partner's office having him going over mistakes that I made (most of which were completely stupid) and I was totally feeling in over my head. He could tell I was about to cry and told me if I needed to talk, he would listen. I just don't feel like talking to anyone else. I told him that I had Maureen and Lisa, but thanked him.

Sigh. I felt like such a fool. I was totally out of my head, bats, when I completed the return he was going over with me. It was completely stressful to me, and I felt really dumb when he caught me, about to cry.

Today I am trying to make the changes that he requested to the return and it was DEFINITELY giving me a headache.

Seeing Jason tonight. Keep your fingers crossed and say a little prayer for me that things are still good.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

I swear to God, I'll never understand... How you can stand there straight and tall and see I'm crying and not do anything at all...

Thats a line from one of my favorite musicals, The Last 5 Years. I am not sure it is exactly what I am feeling right now, but sometimes it is definitely exactly where I am, and exactly what I am feeling on any given day.

Things just feel so messed up sometimes. I really hate it. I am one of those people who just gets SO EASILY overwhelmed, and I tend to overreact so much, that things seem to easily fall apart all around me. I take my meds like I am supposed to (at least, mostly) and I try hard to make sure that everything around me is at least in some kind of state where I have a little bit of control over things. Naturally I am never all the way there. I am not sure that I will ever be all the way there. I am not sure if it is possible for someone like me. I hate that. I hate the fact that I have some kind of mental disease that I have zero control over.


Life with bipolar. My other blog that I seem to have forgotten about since November. I am not sure that I really want to re-open it in any way, I am not sure how much I have to say there that I don't already say here. Having somewhere separate to talk about my disease seems as though it might be rather unnecessary at this point. It is all right here, at least lately, so why do I even have that.

Naturally, right now, my thoughts are moving like some terrifically fast slide show through my head, and I can do NOTHING to slow things down. It is an absolute wreck right now, and I am really trying hard to get things to go back to normal. This means more doctors, more medications, and less sleep - at least for now.

My latest medication added to my collection was a sedative. I am supposed to take it about an hour before I go to bed, and it is supposed to help me sleep. Last night was the first time that I took it. I took it around 9:30 (as requested by my doctor), and got in bed around 10:30. I read for a while (maybe a half hour?) and then fell asleep. But for the rest of the night I was up every half hour, feeling like it was time for me to get up! It wasn't, and I finally got out of bed 15 minutes before my alarm was supposed to go off. I should have just gotten up when I woke up at 5:30 and gone to the gym. But I didn't. Lame, on my part.

Oh well. Maybe tomorrow if it happens again? I kind of have my fingers crossed that it does, because I think going to the gym is super helpful to me.

I spent an hour in Maureen's office this morning. She is SO HELPFUL. She really helped me to see some things that I need to get done, as well as give me some perspective. Thank goodness.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Another weekend has come and gone. This one was better and far more interesting than most. It was quite busy, and in a good way too!

Friday night Corey had a pure romance party. It was a great time. I had SEVERAL beers, and sat with Corey, and she and I tend to be a bit of the life of the party kind of girls in situations like that. It was one of those situations where it was said, "If I haven't tried it, Emily probably has" said by Corey. And I suppose that was pretty much the truth. We had a ton of fun. I spent too much money (as usual) but I am definitely looking forward to receiving what I purchased!

I think Jason might be rather excited about it himself! At least, I am hopeful, because our sex life has been great for the last few days. Toys, no toys, different positions or standard, everything has been awesome. Which is kind of strange considering he was anti-sex with me just 2 weeks ago because he felt like it was blurring the lines for him when he was trying to figure out how he felt about Jen, etc. Trying to move on and get over her.

It's too soon to bring that up and figure out what happened though. I feel like I need to continue to go with the flow for now. So I am enjoying the time we are spending, which relates to the rest of my weekend.

So I told Jason (he was playing beer pong with his friends while I was at the party) that if he needed a ride home, he should call me. I just wanted to make sure that he got home safely without driving drunk (he does that sometimes). I didn't want him to do that, as the LAST thing he needs is a DUI (or worse, and accident or dying!) So around 1 am he called me. I was still over at the party, so it was not like I had gone home and to bed yet. So I drove over to his friend's house, which was less than five minutes from where I was, so it was not a big deal at all.

I let myself into Josh's house, said hello to him (he was on the couch) and headed down to the basement where the game was going on. I thought it was kind of funny that the homeowner was upstairs and all of the friends were down, but whatever. I got there and remembered the basement from the last time I was there, all the way back in December when Jason and I went to the crosstown shootout together (University of Cincinnati v. Xavier University). We had gone over there for a few rounds of beer pong before the game.

When I got downstairs, Jason was sitting on a stool next to this girl, and he was playing with her phone and talking to her. I know that my eyes got a little angry instantly that he was talking to another girl. He looked up and said, "Oh, you're with me" and immediately stood up to give me the stool. He stood next to me with his hand on my thigh, and introduced me to the girl he was sitting next to and she was a wife of one of the other guys who was there (making me feel much better about him sitting next to and talking to her). She and I got to talking and it turned out she was there for the same reason I was... to drive her drunk significant other home.

Jason was very insistent that I take him to White Castle. I pretty much refused, saying that he was going to really regret that decision in the morning. He said that I had to take him, or he was going to drive himself. So I decided that it would be better to drive him myself and go through White Castle than to let him drive himself. A stomachache in the morning (which he might have anyway) would be far better than a DUI or an accident.

So I went through the drive through at White Castle and got him a few sliders, a coke, and some fries. He pretty much inhaled what I got for him. I drove him home and took him inside. He immediately invited me to stay (what the heck? this is already the second time this week, after he told me he needed some space, and so I ONLY scheduled time with him for Saturday!). When we got in the house and were walking toward the bedroom, he pinned me up against the wall in the hallway and started to kiss me. I told him he had onion breath and he should brush his teeth, which made him laugh and kiss me more, lots of opened mouth kisses. Thank you Jason... Grrr...

He stripped me (and himself) and threw me into bed. For the next two hours we had sex. I can't even say "make love" because it was definitely extremely forceful and really hot. He flipped me around, held me down, had me in nearly every position that I know (and added some new ones), we had to add lube eventually because I was worn out, and he wanted to keep going (so we did!). It was a two hour sex session that did not end in him finishing (because trust me, he might not have been too drunk to get it up, but he was definitely too drunk to finish).

It was amazing.

Saturday we overslept a little bit. He was supposed to be outside by 7:15 am to meet his buddy to go golfing. It was 7:20 when I rolled over and we kissed good morning. He realized then what time it was and shot up. He was ready and out the door in 5 minutes. He left me the keys so I could leave and lock up later on, as long as I promised to be back before he got back (around 2) so I could let him in. But I did have places to go that morning, so I could not just stay around and wait for him (and therefore let him take the keys). He got his golfclubs out of the back of my car, locked it, and was off. I stayed in bed for another twenty minutes, and then left to go to the parade for HSM.

After the parade, I stopped at home to get a few things that I needed for being at Jason's for the rest of the day, and headed back over there. It was a little bit before he was going to be getting home, so I settled back in bed (we had gotten less than three hours of sleep due to our bed gymnastics the night before) and turned on the lifetime movie network. I watched it and rested a bit, and then when it got close to the time he was coming home, I showered and dressed to be ready to see him.

He got home and showered, wanted to play a game of football on his X- Box before we did anything else. I thought that was just fine, and settled myself in, next to him on the couch to relax while he played football. I played on the computer a little and cuddled up close to him until we decided to get on with the evening as we had originally planned.

It involved BJ's Brewhouse (one of our favorite bars), the golf store (Jason had to get things for the golf outing he was putting on today as well as try out a few new wedges), and grocery shopping at Jungle Jim's. We did those things, and the grocery shopping was an interesting experience. It was very much a "team" thing, as though we were shopping for "us" for "our" home. He kept asking me "do you want these? Will you eat this?" It was all very nice and really sweet. He said he was planning on cooking me dinner soon.

When we got home we put all of the groceries and stuff away, and climbed into bed to watch a movie and relax for the remainder of the evening. I watched most of it, but after we kissed and cuddled for a little bit, Jason fell asleep.

Sunday morning, we got up and made love (this time I would call it that), and then we headed off in our separate directions for the day. He had to play golf (had to, ha!) and I had rehearsals and a meeting. He wanted to see me AGAIN that evening though, which I was surprised about. So last night, around 9 (after he got home from golf and I was done with my meeting) I stopped to get ice cream and went over there. We cuddled all night, and made love again this morning before I left for work.

Still not sure what is up, of course, but I am loving us.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Friday. Finally. I have been LIVING for the weekend this week. The week has been completely filled with doctors and rehearsals and what feels like a thousand other things. I have been running around like a wild woman.

And that is completely proof of the things that happened at my various doctors this week.

Turns out, I am very much in the "upswing" portion of my disease. I am completely manic, and possibly even a little bit out of control at times. I have a decent handle on myself, which is more than a lot of people in my situation can say about themselves, but I still am having issues with the sleeping, issues with the making life happen, etc.

So this morning, I was at the doctor to talk about my medication. I am now on a sedative, which scares the crap out of me. To me a sedative seems like the "strap you to the bed" kind of medication. So hopefully it will help, and I won't feel TOO out of it as a result. Honestly, I am a little nervous.

Fun party tonight. New toys for E & J coming up!

Thursday, August 20, 2009

I am so not sure how much longer I can keep this up. Doctor tomorrow for a medication update. Fingers crossed it helps.

On the plus side, I had AMAZING sex last night.
I am so not sure how much longer I can keep this up. Doctor tomorrow for a medication update. Fingers crossed it helps.

On the plus side, I had AMAZING sex last night.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

I am having another stressful day. Its not even 9 am yet! I already feel rather overwhelmed with things and what I have to get done. I am super confused about what I am doing with this stupid return that I have been working on for a pretty long time. It is stressful for sure. It just seems like I can not wrap my head around some of the changes that the partner that I am working with made to the return in the last year, which would help me to rollforward the return. I feel like if I could understand why he did what he did, then I could make the changes similarly for the current year, and then I would be good.

I am really feeling strange about things with Jason right now. After all of the nonsense last week (him taking away our physical relationship, etc), last night he really wanted me to come over and cuddle with him. Now I absolutely adore when he holds me close because I feel like there is nothing that could ever be wrong in the world when I am in that position, close to him. And so I really really wanted to go to him last night, to fall asleep comfortably in his arms, and to remember the good times, the times when I thought that there was no way he could ever hurt me.

The times before he did hurt me...


When I look at all of that, I sometimes wonder what the hell I am thinking. Why am I going down this road again? Why am I stuck in this "rut" (or magical place?) where I am completely in love and cannot manage to shake myself of these feelings? Do I even want to? Should I even CONSIDER trying to changing them or letting them go when his entire family thinks we will work out in the end and he will come around eventually.

I mean, I know that he loves me. I know straight up, no question in my mind, nothing, that he loves me. Hell, he might even love me a lot. In fact, I am almost 100% positive that he does love me a lot. But what the eff is he doing, and why does he keep screwing us up?!?

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Well, well, well... Tuesday after a rather hectic Monday. I am rather stressed out because I do feel like I have a ton of stuff to get done (my to-do list is 2 pages!) and I am not sure how on earth I am going to fit it all in. I am doing my damnest to make sure I get everything done, and I have my list, as it always makes me feel good to be able to check stuff off the list.

I am stressed out because I am having issues with the interest computations. They will not calculate all the way through the date that I need them to, so I am trying to compute them by hand as much as possible. I keep changing my mind about the best approach to these calculations, so that is a little bit frustrating to me. I think I have a handle on my approach now, so it will make it easier going forward, but I might have wasted some time doing it on my first run through. Since I kept changing my approach, I spent more time on it. But I might possibly have it down to a science at this point.

I just need SOMETHING to go correctly/as planned. Just once.

Monday, August 17, 2009

What a strange weekend it was... Instead of spending a ton of time recapping it, since I already have once, I am just going to copy an email I sent to my co-worker, Sarah, with the details. I feel like that will explain a lot.

So, Toledo…

Jason is still on his “just friends” kick. *rolls eyes* which is just obnoxious. The weekend started out weird. He told me what is up with him, and why we had to step back. Apparently he isn’t completely over what happened with Jen, and he apparently was going to propose to her, just 2 weeks before he and I started hanging out again. Now he did tell me that he believed proposing would just be a Band-Aid solution (how could they fight so much if they were getting married?) which tells me that at least he knows in his HEAD that they don’t belong together. Now to get there with his heart…

He openly admitted that he does love me, but he cannot give me “the world” as I would give him because he is still trying to deal with all of this junk. We agreed that the “friends” thing is good for now, but that when he starts to feel better, we owe it to each other to give the relationship another go. Naturally, I cried a little, and actually was a little shocked about that revelation… the whole marriage thing, I mean.

We openly discussed what would happen if he gets this job (he doesn’t know yet), and it came down to the fact that it is supposed to be a “project” so it would be two years at the longest. So not awful. When I brought up a few of my points, like “what would you DO in Lafayette?” His response was “grow corn, watch paint dry…” So obviously he is not totally thrilled with the idea. He said I would be there to visit a lot. I asked him what would happen if we worked and what would happen then, what would I do there? And his response was “become Amish, cook, clean, take care of the babies…” Obviously a joke, but also obviously not something he is completely against (our future, I mean).

Friday night he went and stayed at his uncle’s house, alone. I stayed at my parents (or I guess, my mom’s considering all of the drama with my folks, their separation and not yet divorce) and was up late talking with my mom and hanging out with my sister’s dogs. We used to have one, but we put her down a few years ago. It is nice to have some around again because they are good for hugging when you are sad. It stunk that he wasn’t with me, but we had gone out to dinner and he was tolerant of my sitting close to him and very receptive of our future conversation, despite the fact that he is not “ready”. So I guess I’ll take it.

Saturday he played golf, I had a golf lesson, and then I had the afternoon to myself while he was still at the course. He called me not too long after my lesson to hear how it went and what I was up to, as well as tell me about his morning (he ended up spending $600 to get new tires on his car, and was not happy about it!) Now seriously, do you call your “friend” to give her life updates when you last saw her at 9 pm the night before? Grrr… So I went to the bookstore, did a swimming pool workout with my mom and aunt (it was tough, and they do it every single day!), and fell asleep for a while.

Jason’s aunt and uncle were have a party that night, and he invited me to come along. He played cornhole and drank beer with the guys, while I drank beer and talked to the girls. Now, I just fit in with this family. It has been openly discussed that although Bruce and Michelle have met other girlfriends of Jason’s (and his ex-wife) that I am the only one that they feel really comfortable around, and that I am comfortable around them. There was a LOT of dialogue between me and Bruce and Michelle about us and what I should do and where I should go from here. Bruce said that he obviously does love me, because he keeps bringing me around. Michelle talked a lot about how “Nickles men” start to get scared when things get too comfortable, and they need a little something to shake things up, so they get scared and run every time for the first year. They were both very much in agreement that this is supposed to work out and that I am perfect for him, so I need to be patient. Bruce is Jason’s closest friend/relative, so him saying that meant a WHOLE lot to me.

Just wanted to give you an update, since it was such an overwhelming weekend…


Friday, August 14, 2009

I hate life sometimes. Kind of a lot. I am busy trying to deal with things in my life that have been feeling completely out of control.

Meaning, me.

I am completely out of control. I hate the fact that I am completely nutso, and that I have very little control over my reactions to things, and that I tend to get weird and emotional and panicked at every single little thing. I hate myself for being like that. I hate the fact that I "forget" (and basically just choose to skip) taking my medicine, because I know that it is no help to me or anything like that. I know that it is just going to hurt me and make me worse in the long run.

I hate that the one thing that I feel like I need to help keep me stable, help keep me balanced is J, and that I need to be stable and balanced to keep him.

I hate circles. I hate things that are round.

I love rubber bands. They help.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

I can't. I can't function like this for very long. I don't go back to my doctor for a while now. I need something to take the edge off, desperately. I am on a drug that is simply for "maintenance" according to my sheet.

I was completely manic last night, and I was up running around from 12:30 until almost three. I was cleaning, but only kind of cleaning. I am not entirely sure what I got accomplished, only that there was a lot of running done, and all of it was extremely high energy, high intensity work. I did no "real" cleaning. I did not do dishes, I did not run the vacuum, I did not hang my coffee pictures in the kitchen (note to self: this needs to get done soon).

I am just... completely nuts, I think. I am running on empty and running in high gear all at the same time. It is extremely stressful and it really is starting to kill me, I think.

Slowly. I am slowly losing my mind. I am slowly falling apart.

Jason has decided that I need to get well and he needs to get happy before we can even think about being together. I am not sure I know what that means. However, I confronted him about being scared because obviously that is the situation that I am dealing with. Jason freaking out about silly things. Granted, I cannot blame him for not being able to handle my dramatic mood swings. Hell, I cannot handle my dramatic mood swings.

I am going to explode. And yet, it has only been 2 days. Only 2 days out of thirty without a freak out.

I have no clue if I am going to make it.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Well, I got through day one without a panic attack. I think I am going to change one of my 101 things to go 30 days without one. Or at least without having one TO Jason.

Although I might. Now. As he doesn't want me to spend the night.

Deep breath. I'll make it.

It'll be ok. It has to be ok. We belong together.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Today is a new day. I am not sure where I stand today in my mind as well as in my life and relationship. I think Jason is possibly trying to take some time from communicating with me to see how I react. I am doing my damnest to not freak out about it.

I popped a Xanax this morning, in hopes that it would help calm my nerves. I am trying to be better about my medication all the time, and I am failing relatively often. I sometimes wonder if I was better about that, if I would react better to situations. I also wonder if I should tell Jason that I have been sucking at taking them. I don't want to make myself any excuses, but at the same time, that could certainly have a MAJOR affect on my reactions to things and how I react to him and the situations that we are in.

My mom says it is a vicious circle that we are caught in. She seems to believe that I freak out because I do not necessarily have any stability in my relationship from Jason. (I am sure that is part of the reason, if not all). And then Jason will not give me that stability/security because I freak out, and he isn't sure that he can deal with that forever. Makes sense to me, but of course, then I still don't have the security, so I freak out again and more, which of course further complicates the situation and adds to it.

I just want to be better. To feel better. Help...

Monday, August 10, 2009

Well, I am effed. I didn't get the role. I can't even remember if I said that before or not, but it's a true story. And of course that frustrates me to absolutely no end. It makes me want to cry, a lot. I really needed something, something to help me calm down, to give me something to do and get through this time right now where I don't know what is going on.

Yeah, Jason and I are still effed up. He still doesn't know what he wants, I am still very vocal about how I am feeling about everything.

This is always a problem. I hate that shit. I don't want to react the way that I have been, not at all. I hate the way that I act. I never want to upset him, and yet I always do. Every single god damn time. I always overreact, I always upset him.

I just need one thing to go right in my life. Just one time. Fuck.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Jason comes home today. I missed him. I think he missed me too.
So he missed me when he was just gone the weekend. How could he move? :(

Saturday, August 8, 2009

I have been trying to remain more calm about everything.

After I told Jason my doc's suggestion about him telling me RIGHT AWAY if something is bugging him or if something is wrong, and him agreeing to do that, I am beginning to feel a thousand times better about that. I don't freak out now that I did something wrong just because he has not immediately responded to me. At least, I am beginning to do a little bit better about that, because I have to TRUST that he would tell me if there was something up since he said he would.

Its a weird weekend though, because he has been gone since Wednesday, and its now Saturday.

I miss him when he isn't here. I miss him a lot.

He said he'll be back tomorrow. I can't wait to see him, truthfully. I need him, bad.

Friday, August 7, 2009

I am SO READY for Jason to come home. I miss him. A lot.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

I am so tired. I am tired of fretting, tired of wondering, tired of trying to wrap my head around myself and make sense of how I am.

My therapist said when I saw her on Monday that the reason that you can get married more quickly in a relationship once you get older is because at about 25 or 26 you are who you are. You are done developing as a person. (Now that scares me a little because of the irrationality I have about some things, but at the same time, I am learning to control it.) So that means I know who I am (?) I guess. I don't know, it is certainly going to take some work, little by little, I will become more secure in this person, right?

God, I hope so. The more secure I am with me, the more secure I can be in my relationship. Right now I am really tired.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

I can't handle this. I don't know when (or IF) he is leaving. I don't know what will happen when (or IF) he does.

I went to therapy yesterday. I feel like I have to express my needs and feelings on the situation, but how soon is too soon when it comes to the "where are we going, and how are we going to get there?" conversation?

On one hand, its been only 3 months. On the other hand, its been a year.


Monday, August 3, 2009

Well, I have no idea what comes next. He is going to put his name in the ring for this job. He confirmed that when we were at lunch yesterday. I - because I am emotional nutcase when it comes to him - excused myself from the table so I could cry in the bathroom a little and then clean up my face before returning. I felt like garbage about it. I can't believe he is even considering moving when things with us are going well.

Everytime I leave him, I casually say, "no moving." He always responds with "blah blah." I have no idea what that means. I don't know if we'll try to make it work while he is gone. I don't know that he will set himself some kind of time limit for being there.

Honestly, I don't know that he'll be happy there, despite the fact that is is a MAJOR opportunity for him as far as his career goes. There is not much going on there, and all of his friends, they are here. I am here. What does that mean to him? I mean, yes, he has friends in Toledo too, people he talks to regularly and sees as often as he can. But I don't want our relationship to come down to facebook. And I really don't want us to break up because he is moving. I don't think that I can handle that.

Could this be the end of us for real??

I am sitting here, I know it might be wrong, but I am praying all the time that for whatever reason, this does not work out, or that if it does, he wants me to come too. Granted, I have no idea what I would do there other than work at his company (probably not too possible) or bartend somewhere, but that sure as shit would be a waste of a Masters degree.

I am praying for me... I hope that God listens...

Sunday, August 2, 2009

He can't go. He can't. He can't. He can't. I feel like things are too good for us, and too good for it to get screwed up now. I know this is a panic thing for me, a point of contention in my relationship, this panic, gah!

It makes me write and spill my guts and cry. I can hardly handle it.

I cheesed it up last night and watched "The Notebook". This was potentially a bad move. I just cried and cried and sobbed at the love that was there between the two of them and the fact that they went through all of that together. The fact that there was 7 years apart and then they still came back together and stayed together. Forever.

They got years and years together. I want that. I want 50 years. I want to be with someone that I love that much and that I would do anything for like that for 50 years. Most of the time, I think that could definitely be him. But then I get so nervous about what my life would be like without him that I freak out and panic and usually run to him and talk myself stupid. And that always looks dumb.

And here I am... I just asked him a question and his response was "umm..." Naturally that puts me in a state again. An extra additional state of panic. God damn it. There is something wrong with me. I am in a constant wreck, a constant state of panic. Constant state of wondering what the hell we are doing and where the hell this is going and what is going to happen next. Every time I feel like I have some sense of security, something happens to put the kabosh on that.

Right now, its the "is he moving?" thing hanging over my head.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Well, here I am on a Saturday night doing nothing. I am writing an entry in this stupid blog that I am supposed to be using when my brain is broken, when I need to just run my mouth and blow off steam and try not to freak out to Jason.

I don't know why I am such a mess of panic. I don't know why whenever I am not near him (even though we had one of the most amazing nights of our lives last night), I freak out. I just feel the desire to be close to him all the time. I know that is not possible though, and I hate it.

I am not sure what is wrong with me that I feel like I need to do this and act this way, but I am trying not to be like this, and maybe if writing it down rather than vocalizing it will begin to help me cope with my shortcomings (such as my tendency to panic), then I want to try and do it, try and take care of it.

I hate it when ... when I feel like there is something to the idea of a "summer romance". Granted, most of this comes from the fact that I am watching the Notebook as I read this. It can't be. We can't have that. It can't end when September comes... He can't go, he can't leave.

I effing love the man. Its gosh damn stupid. But I can never ever get him out of my head. Ever.

Well, the picnic was a success. It was AWESOME.

My corset was a huge hit. I am going to have to revive that one again. Well, maybe a different corset, but I think the idea of the ensemble was very very good. He really had no desire to even PRETEND to resist me. That was awesome.

I don't ever want to go without that feeling that I had when I was with him. It was too amazing to EVER give up.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

New trouble. God damn it.

Trying not to talk. Trying not to say EXACTLY what I am feeling. Trying not to tell him that I would hate it. Absolutely HATE it.

We're to the point where I think we'll be together. At least together in the way that we are now.

And then he spills it.

He has a lot to think about. He does not mean me, at least not necessarily me all the way, but I might fit in a little. So... it is work this time.

His boss suggested that he put in for the job of controller out a Lafayette life. Thats the company that he goes out to visit once a month or something. Well, that is like 4 hours from here. And I am NOT a fan of that. I don't want him to go anywhere. I want him right here, with me, where he belongs.

I am hoping that this will turn out to be a positive sign for us, rather than a negative. I want him, he stays, we live happily ever after. Is that asking for too much?

I don't know, but more likely this is a negative thing. One of those you should end it now before things get too rough, moments. God, I am so fucking sick of bad luck! We seem to constantly run into it as a couple. Constantly! When does it get easier? When do we get to be happy?

It makes me think of "Last Five Years"...

Don't we get to be happy, Cathy?
At some point down the line
Don't we get to relax?
Without some new tsuris
To push me yet further from you?
If I'm cheering on your side, Cathy
Why can't you support mine?
Why do I have to feel
I've committed some felony
Doing what I always swore I would do?
I don't want you to hurt
I don't want you to sink
But you know what I think?
I think you'll be fine!
Just hang on and you'll see-
But don't make me wait till you do
To be happy with you
Will you listen to me?
No one can give you courage
No one can thicken your skin
I will not fail so you can be comfortable, Cathy
I will not lose because you can't win

Granted, his name (nor my name) is Cathy... But sometimes I feel like we're there. There are other parts, happier parts of that show, that make me think of us too...

But right now, I want us to be happy. I love him.
So far today has been one of those days that is filled with interruptions. When I first got here, I couldn't ...

Crap, I don't even know what I was going to say there.

Jason is taking a break from talking to me again. I pretty much hate when he does that, but I know that it happens, and I have to keep writing. Its like Dori. Just keep writing, just keep writing... That is why I have this dumbass thing open, isn't it? To be a major distraction, somewhere I can turn to in order to get stuff done, something that I can do in order to figure stuff out.

I am trying to do this so I do not harass the hell out of him when I really have a lot to say about how I feel about him, how I feel about our relationship, whatever. I usually feel like I am hounding him with questions sometimes about all kinds of different things. I am really trying to avoid being like that, but sometimes it cannot be helped. So I have this book. I know it is online and so it is not really a book, but I kind of feel like it is, and so that is what I am going with. Book.

I have been running around all day. Not a whole lot of time to talk to Jason even if I wanted to. I feel like my brain is fried.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

I have really hammered out the entries in here. I am 100% certain that it is because I feel like I need to get things written down so I remember how I feel.

Not only that, but it gives me an outlet, hopefully to get stuff out of my head so I do not express the things that I am feeling to Jason when I know he does not want to hear. I mean, I know he gets irritated with my panic. So I try not to burden him. That's going to be my new thing. Lots and lots of entries to avoid expressing this panic to him.

I know it would make him nuts. I know it DOES make him nuts. I am trying to do better. I am trying to find a healthy way to express my stress and panic. And truly, maybe, writing in a journal (online or otherwise) might help me to express how I am feeling. It will maybe be a good release.

And I know that I might be being repetitive, but at the same time, that is kind of what this whole thing is for, right? A way for me to write what is going through my mind as it is going there. I am trying really hard to try and do that.

I want to be able to say all of the crazy panicked things that I am thinking without people judging me, without people finding me and realizing what a nutjob I might be. I don't know if I am or not, but at the same time, this is a way to keep myself from being a nutjob, maybe? It keeps me from seeming crazy to other people. Right? Isn't that the idea with having an online journal? It is a way to express your idiosyncracies (I have no clue if that is spelled right or not, but it is what is in my head) without anyone else judging you.

Maybe on a positive note... My work friend Megan and I are going to take an acting class tomorrow night. I am really looking forward to it. Depsite the fact that I have been doing shows for YEARS, I have never actually taken a class. I am kind of looking forward to it. I am going to ride the bus downtown, and see how the work day goes. Then Megan and I are going to go up to the Happy Hour that we are holding for us and Strauss and Troy (the law firm that is located in our building). Megan and I are on the steering committee for the group that plans that kind of thing. We felt like we needed to be there for a little bit. Then we'll head to the class. It'll be great. Well I hope it will be. I am kind of nervous about it because I have not ever done it before. So I guess I will try and see. It cannot hurt since I haven't done it before and I have an audition on Monday.

I hope its good. I hope I am good.
I am maybe, just maybe, beginning to get there. Beginning to relax, beginning to take things in stride, at least a little bit better than I was doing yesterday. Ok, not really, but I may be getting a little better at holding it in today than I was yesterday. After all, Jason said good morning to me at like 7 am. I didn't respond until 8:15, and there was no communication until 11:30.

Sounds like we're still planning on getting together on Friday night, at least as of right now. I assume he would not want to get together with me if he was done seeing me. And I also think that if he wasn't going to want to see me anymore, then he would have made me change my facebook last night. At least, I assume as much. Because my status said something about the "boy" which he knew referred to him. I pretty much told him that straight up that is was him.

Trouble is, I have absolutely no clue if he misses me, loves me, wants to be with me. I am afraid that when I get there on Friday, he is going to want to collect his money and then tell me that he does not want to see me anymore. Truthfully, that would break my heart. Again.

I popped a blister on my toe. I should wear stockings. It gooped a bit. (Is that how you spell that? Gooped?) Ouch.

I have to be able to relax. I have to take a deep breath and accept the fact that he has always been honest with me, he has been upfront with me. He might dance around a little bit, but as far as I can tell, he would at least say "nah, let's not hang out." or maybe "let's wait and see how things go." And he said that we'll get together later. So to me, that sounds like we are still hanging out.

I am just scared. I have been whining to this stupid diary every day for the last 5 or 6 or something. Since Saturday. Since he decided not to go out with me and to go out with Brian instead. That shouldn't bother me. But instead it makes me nervous and makes me sit on my ass on a weekend night instead of going out with another friend and having a good time. I stink.

Yeah, I am feeling down. Isn't that obvious?

Oh, and my eating sucks because I have no food in my house. I have been subsisting on wine, basically. Bad Em. If Jason knew, he would kill me. Not really kill me, but you know...

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

I failed.

I sent Jason a message already this morning. Fail. I just said "good morning and drive safe!" since he is on his way to Lafayette today. No response yet, even though I know now that he has seen the message. Naturally, because I am me, I am paranoid that we are not speaking to each other for some reason. Is that ridiculous?

There is an extremely good chance that I am being silly, paranoid, whatever. He IS still going to Lafayette, so its not like he didn't/wouldn't want to tell me that, which makes me feel a little better about things. And he IS driving right now, so in some ways, I feel like I at least need to give him a little bit of a break.

I suck at giving him a break though. I constantly want to hound him so that I always know exactly what is going on. I feel the need to ask him if we are fighting or something since he has not responded to me yet. I wish there was something that I could do that would help me resist that urge.

I talked to Jess about it for a little while yesterday after I got home from work. I asked her how she managed to not be paranoid before she moved down there to be with Mike. I mean, I have a hard enough time with Jason in the same damn city! So how on earth could she manage when they lived in two extremely different parts of the country? I don't know that I could do it.

Maybe Jason is right. Maybe I am high maintenance. He is, but not in the same way. With him, it is the need for massages, back scratches, someone to rub his calves, and in a lot of ways, someone to indulge him! I certainly am more than willing to be that girl for him. But I am slowly realizing that I am needy too. I want him to call me. I want him to always answer my questions. I want him to want me as much as I want him. I want to be THE top contender for love in his life, other than his mother, sister, and possibly nephew. Those folks I can completely understand.

Its like that Cheap Trick song. I want him to want me. I REALLY want him to want me. It seems like he does, when I am naked in the living room, he'll chase me down every time. He will definitely pursue me to the bathroom/shower/bedroom if I come into the living room nude, and get his attention before I walk away.

Honestly, it is 11 am. He still hasn't even said good morning. I am really starting to freak out. I hate this.

Monday, July 27, 2009

I love him. I miss him. I don't sleep too well without him. I wish I was in his arms.

Pathetic. Yeah, I know. It sucks ass.

I hate being pathetic. Tonight I talked to him about Mafia Wars, this nerdy game we both play on facebook, And I told him goodnight. Thats it. I feel like that is a little bit of an accomplishment.

Tomorrow we will see how the day goes. See if I can resist all of the million questions about us, about where we stand, wondering if he wants me, needs me, loves me. Truth be told, I know he does. Even though it is really hard for me to admit, I know he does love me.

I know that I need to lay off with all of the relationship "where is this going? when are we going to get there" crap. I know that I just need to be happy and enjoy myself and enjoy the time that we get together. I know that we are going to Toledo. Well, at least I hope that we are, since I have no idea what to expect. Especially right now, since I do not know if he is upset with me or not.

I guess I need to take advantage of the fact that I have a blog that I can write in a million times per day when I am feeling stressed. Maybe if I sit here and write some entry, maybe then I will be able and better than talking to him. Maybe I will be able to avoid messaging him every second of every day and feel like I can get through this. Feel like I will be okay without hearing from him all the time. Maybe eventually I will even be able to WAIT for him to contact me, which will allow him to pursue the chase, pursue me.

That'd be sweet. God I miss him though... And its only been since Saturday afternoon. Its not even Tuesday yet. And even earlier today, he seemed to be interested in the idea that I was interested in trying our failed experiment in St. Louis again. You know, the handcuff thing. I really want the red ones... It'll be hot. At least I think so...

We'll see where it goes. And I am trying. I am trying to be a strong, beautiful woman. The one I have dreamed of. Especially who I tried to be when he and I were not together. I am going to kick my ass into gear and focus on things that are important.

kicking ass at the gym
working my butt off at work
working on my 101 things
saving money/getting out of debt.

I can god damn do it. And he will love me for being independent.

I hope...
I was so trying to resist. Trying to resist saying good morning to him first. Trying not to worry about why he hadn't talked to me yet. Trying to be the strong, completely independent woman that I wish I was. And I can't do it. My heart races because I worry so much. Worried he does not like me or care about me and that is why he needs his "space". Or does he just really need some time away.

I worry when he is away from me. Worry that he is going to realize (somehow) that he is better off without me. I mean, not being near me has only produced a desire to be near me (see all of our prior breakups), but that really does not change any of my fears!

I think I am messed up about this relationship.

I hate feeling out of control (except in bed). And I do feel like I do not hold the cards in this relationship right now, and I hate it. I know that it is this way in a lot of relationships, and it is one of those things that shifts hands, but I am ready for it to shift to my hands. I am ready to be the one to hold all the cards or I am really ready for some semblance of a balance between the two of us.

Relating to that in bed thing above... I kind of had a little bit of a shock when we were in STL. J tied me up. With a t-shirt to the nightstand. I expected to love it as I love when he pins me to a wall, or holds me by the wrists above my head... It scared me though. It kind of scared me a lot. I am not sure what it was. Maybe he was being a little rough with me and there was nothing I could do to stop him (sometimes he needs to be very gentle as I am ultra sensitive as a result of a certain piercing). Or maybe it just reminded me too much of things that happened to me in the past. I have no idea. But to be scared? I never thought that would happen.

I want to try again though. Maybe with handcuffs or something rather than a t-shirt. Something smaller that at least gives me freedom to roll my wrists around a little. I had no ability to do that with the shirt. And it was tied so tightly to make sure that it was secure as well as giving it enough slack to go around the nightstand and have me completely on the bed. Hopefully if I throw handcuffs in, those issues will go away and I can just enjoy being ravished...

So maybe I will have to buy my red fuzzy handcuffs after all...