Thursday, July 30, 2009

New trouble. God damn it.

Trying not to talk. Trying not to say EXACTLY what I am feeling. Trying not to tell him that I would hate it. Absolutely HATE it.

We're to the point where I think we'll be together. At least together in the way that we are now.

And then he spills it.

He has a lot to think about. He does not mean me, at least not necessarily me all the way, but I might fit in a little. So... it is work this time.

His boss suggested that he put in for the job of controller out a Lafayette life. Thats the company that he goes out to visit once a month or something. Well, that is like 4 hours from here. And I am NOT a fan of that. I don't want him to go anywhere. I want him right here, with me, where he belongs.

I am hoping that this will turn out to be a positive sign for us, rather than a negative. I want him, he stays, we live happily ever after. Is that asking for too much?

I don't know, but more likely this is a negative thing. One of those you should end it now before things get too rough, moments. God, I am so fucking sick of bad luck! We seem to constantly run into it as a couple. Constantly! When does it get easier? When do we get to be happy?

It makes me think of "Last Five Years"...

Don't we get to be happy, Cathy?
At some point down the line
Don't we get to relax?
Without some new tsuris
To push me yet further from you?
If I'm cheering on your side, Cathy
Why can't you support mine?
Why do I have to feel
I've committed some felony
Doing what I always swore I would do?
I don't want you to hurt
I don't want you to sink
But you know what I think?
I think you'll be fine!
Just hang on and you'll see-
But don't make me wait till you do
To be happy with you
Will you listen to me?
No one can give you courage
No one can thicken your skin
I will not fail so you can be comfortable, Cathy
I will not lose because you can't win

Granted, his name (nor my name) is Cathy... But sometimes I feel like we're there. There are other parts, happier parts of that show, that make me think of us too...

But right now, I want us to be happy. I love him.
So far today has been one of those days that is filled with interruptions. When I first got here, I couldn't ...

Crap, I don't even know what I was going to say there.

Jason is taking a break from talking to me again. I pretty much hate when he does that, but I know that it happens, and I have to keep writing. Its like Dori. Just keep writing, just keep writing... That is why I have this dumbass thing open, isn't it? To be a major distraction, somewhere I can turn to in order to get stuff done, something that I can do in order to figure stuff out.

I am trying to do this so I do not harass the hell out of him when I really have a lot to say about how I feel about him, how I feel about our relationship, whatever. I usually feel like I am hounding him with questions sometimes about all kinds of different things. I am really trying to avoid being like that, but sometimes it cannot be helped. So I have this book. I know it is online and so it is not really a book, but I kind of feel like it is, and so that is what I am going with. Book.

I have been running around all day. Not a whole lot of time to talk to Jason even if I wanted to. I feel like my brain is fried.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

I have really hammered out the entries in here. I am 100% certain that it is because I feel like I need to get things written down so I remember how I feel.

Not only that, but it gives me an outlet, hopefully to get stuff out of my head so I do not express the things that I am feeling to Jason when I know he does not want to hear. I mean, I know he gets irritated with my panic. So I try not to burden him. That's going to be my new thing. Lots and lots of entries to avoid expressing this panic to him.

I know it would make him nuts. I know it DOES make him nuts. I am trying to do better. I am trying to find a healthy way to express my stress and panic. And truly, maybe, writing in a journal (online or otherwise) might help me to express how I am feeling. It will maybe be a good release.

And I know that I might be being repetitive, but at the same time, that is kind of what this whole thing is for, right? A way for me to write what is going through my mind as it is going there. I am trying really hard to try and do that.

I want to be able to say all of the crazy panicked things that I am thinking without people judging me, without people finding me and realizing what a nutjob I might be. I don't know if I am or not, but at the same time, this is a way to keep myself from being a nutjob, maybe? It keeps me from seeming crazy to other people. Right? Isn't that the idea with having an online journal? It is a way to express your idiosyncracies (I have no clue if that is spelled right or not, but it is what is in my head) without anyone else judging you.

Maybe on a positive note... My work friend Megan and I are going to take an acting class tomorrow night. I am really looking forward to it. Depsite the fact that I have been doing shows for YEARS, I have never actually taken a class. I am kind of looking forward to it. I am going to ride the bus downtown, and see how the work day goes. Then Megan and I are going to go up to the Happy Hour that we are holding for us and Strauss and Troy (the law firm that is located in our building). Megan and I are on the steering committee for the group that plans that kind of thing. We felt like we needed to be there for a little bit. Then we'll head to the class. It'll be great. Well I hope it will be. I am kind of nervous about it because I have not ever done it before. So I guess I will try and see. It cannot hurt since I haven't done it before and I have an audition on Monday.

I hope its good. I hope I am good.
I am maybe, just maybe, beginning to get there. Beginning to relax, beginning to take things in stride, at least a little bit better than I was doing yesterday. Ok, not really, but I may be getting a little better at holding it in today than I was yesterday. After all, Jason said good morning to me at like 7 am. I didn't respond until 8:15, and there was no communication until 11:30.

Sounds like we're still planning on getting together on Friday night, at least as of right now. I assume he would not want to get together with me if he was done seeing me. And I also think that if he wasn't going to want to see me anymore, then he would have made me change my facebook last night. At least, I assume as much. Because my status said something about the "boy" which he knew referred to him. I pretty much told him that straight up that is was him.

Trouble is, I have absolutely no clue if he misses me, loves me, wants to be with me. I am afraid that when I get there on Friday, he is going to want to collect his money and then tell me that he does not want to see me anymore. Truthfully, that would break my heart. Again.

I popped a blister on my toe. I should wear stockings. It gooped a bit. (Is that how you spell that? Gooped?) Ouch.

I have to be able to relax. I have to take a deep breath and accept the fact that he has always been honest with me, he has been upfront with me. He might dance around a little bit, but as far as I can tell, he would at least say "nah, let's not hang out." or maybe "let's wait and see how things go." And he said that we'll get together later. So to me, that sounds like we are still hanging out.

I am just scared. I have been whining to this stupid diary every day for the last 5 or 6 or something. Since Saturday. Since he decided not to go out with me and to go out with Brian instead. That shouldn't bother me. But instead it makes me nervous and makes me sit on my ass on a weekend night instead of going out with another friend and having a good time. I stink.

Yeah, I am feeling down. Isn't that obvious?

Oh, and my eating sucks because I have no food in my house. I have been subsisting on wine, basically. Bad Em. If Jason knew, he would kill me. Not really kill me, but you know...

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

I failed.

I sent Jason a message already this morning. Fail. I just said "good morning and drive safe!" since he is on his way to Lafayette today. No response yet, even though I know now that he has seen the message. Naturally, because I am me, I am paranoid that we are not speaking to each other for some reason. Is that ridiculous?

There is an extremely good chance that I am being silly, paranoid, whatever. He IS still going to Lafayette, so its not like he didn't/wouldn't want to tell me that, which makes me feel a little better about things. And he IS driving right now, so in some ways, I feel like I at least need to give him a little bit of a break.

I suck at giving him a break though. I constantly want to hound him so that I always know exactly what is going on. I feel the need to ask him if we are fighting or something since he has not responded to me yet. I wish there was something that I could do that would help me resist that urge.

I talked to Jess about it for a little while yesterday after I got home from work. I asked her how she managed to not be paranoid before she moved down there to be with Mike. I mean, I have a hard enough time with Jason in the same damn city! So how on earth could she manage when they lived in two extremely different parts of the country? I don't know that I could do it.

Maybe Jason is right. Maybe I am high maintenance. He is, but not in the same way. With him, it is the need for massages, back scratches, someone to rub his calves, and in a lot of ways, someone to indulge him! I certainly am more than willing to be that girl for him. But I am slowly realizing that I am needy too. I want him to call me. I want him to always answer my questions. I want him to want me as much as I want him. I want to be THE top contender for love in his life, other than his mother, sister, and possibly nephew. Those folks I can completely understand.

Its like that Cheap Trick song. I want him to want me. I REALLY want him to want me. It seems like he does, when I am naked in the living room, he'll chase me down every time. He will definitely pursue me to the bathroom/shower/bedroom if I come into the living room nude, and get his attention before I walk away.

Honestly, it is 11 am. He still hasn't even said good morning. I am really starting to freak out. I hate this.

Monday, July 27, 2009

I love him. I miss him. I don't sleep too well without him. I wish I was in his arms.

Pathetic. Yeah, I know. It sucks ass.

I hate being pathetic. Tonight I talked to him about Mafia Wars, this nerdy game we both play on facebook, And I told him goodnight. Thats it. I feel like that is a little bit of an accomplishment.

Tomorrow we will see how the day goes. See if I can resist all of the million questions about us, about where we stand, wondering if he wants me, needs me, loves me. Truth be told, I know he does. Even though it is really hard for me to admit, I know he does love me.

I know that I need to lay off with all of the relationship "where is this going? when are we going to get there" crap. I know that I just need to be happy and enjoy myself and enjoy the time that we get together. I know that we are going to Toledo. Well, at least I hope that we are, since I have no idea what to expect. Especially right now, since I do not know if he is upset with me or not.

I guess I need to take advantage of the fact that I have a blog that I can write in a million times per day when I am feeling stressed. Maybe if I sit here and write some entry, maybe then I will be able and better than talking to him. Maybe I will be able to avoid messaging him every second of every day and feel like I can get through this. Feel like I will be okay without hearing from him all the time. Maybe eventually I will even be able to WAIT for him to contact me, which will allow him to pursue the chase, pursue me.

That'd be sweet. God I miss him though... And its only been since Saturday afternoon. Its not even Tuesday yet. And even earlier today, he seemed to be interested in the idea that I was interested in trying our failed experiment in St. Louis again. You know, the handcuff thing. I really want the red ones... It'll be hot. At least I think so...

We'll see where it goes. And I am trying. I am trying to be a strong, beautiful woman. The one I have dreamed of. Especially who I tried to be when he and I were not together. I am going to kick my ass into gear and focus on things that are important.

kicking ass at the gym
working my butt off at work
working on my 101 things
saving money/getting out of debt.

I can god damn do it. And he will love me for being independent.

I hope...
I was so trying to resist. Trying to resist saying good morning to him first. Trying not to worry about why he hadn't talked to me yet. Trying to be the strong, completely independent woman that I wish I was. And I can't do it. My heart races because I worry so much. Worried he does not like me or care about me and that is why he needs his "space". Or does he just really need some time away.

I worry when he is away from me. Worry that he is going to realize (somehow) that he is better off without me. I mean, not being near me has only produced a desire to be near me (see all of our prior breakups), but that really does not change any of my fears!

I think I am messed up about this relationship.

I hate feeling out of control (except in bed). And I do feel like I do not hold the cards in this relationship right now, and I hate it. I know that it is this way in a lot of relationships, and it is one of those things that shifts hands, but I am ready for it to shift to my hands. I am ready to be the one to hold all the cards or I am really ready for some semblance of a balance between the two of us.

Relating to that in bed thing above... I kind of had a little bit of a shock when we were in STL. J tied me up. With a t-shirt to the nightstand. I expected to love it as I love when he pins me to a wall, or holds me by the wrists above my head... It scared me though. It kind of scared me a lot. I am not sure what it was. Maybe he was being a little rough with me and there was nothing I could do to stop him (sometimes he needs to be very gentle as I am ultra sensitive as a result of a certain piercing). Or maybe it just reminded me too much of things that happened to me in the past. I have no idea. But to be scared? I never thought that would happen.

I want to try again though. Maybe with handcuffs or something rather than a t-shirt. Something smaller that at least gives me freedom to roll my wrists around a little. I had no ability to do that with the shirt. And it was tied so tightly to make sure that it was secure as well as giving it enough slack to go around the nightstand and have me completely on the bed. Hopefully if I throw handcuffs in, those issues will go away and I can just enjoy being ravished...

So maybe I will have to buy my red fuzzy handcuffs after all...

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Sometimes I slowly begin to learn that I am a fake. I hate to think that, and realizing it stings for sure. But the more I learn, the more that I think, the more that I realize how weak I am. I cry, I feel crappy, I want to throw up.

I hate feeling this way. I hate the fact that I could not be anywhere near as strong as I have been pretending to be for all of these years.

I always knew that I was putting on a show, I have been well aware of it for a long time. I knew that I was a fake, because every single time I am alone, I am thinking about nothing but him. I am not supposed to be that girl. I am supposed to be strong, silent, amazing. I am supposed to be the woman who can walk around with heads turning to follow me. I want to be the lady that can knock him off of his feet and seduce him on a whim.

I am in love with him, and I believe that he is amazing. I am not sure what has led me to this point in my life, but somehow, I am here, and I cannot help it. I hate feeling like I need him, like I need anyone at all. It makes me miserable on the inside, but being with him warms my heart even more. So where do we fall? How does this happen?

I guess I am not sure what to do or where to go from here?

Does anyone ever know what to do though? I am alone with these feelings that I am having, or is it a common occurance to not understand what to do with your life or where anything is going?

Sometimes I feel like I need to get away. Sometimes I think I need to get away from him and get away from this place. I love him though, and I am sure that I would never have the courage to leave here without him. And why not? I have no idea. I am scared a little bit of the possible future. All I know at this point in my life is that I want HIM. He is the reason that I do what I do, the reason that I get up in the morning and go to sleep at night.

He is not entirely the reason for these things, however, sometimes I do wish that he could be less a part of what I want. I do wish that he could love me the way that I love him. I want to be the last thing he thinks about before he falls asleep, the first thing he thinks about when he wakes up in the morning, and occasionally filling all of his thoughts in between. I don't have to be there 100% of the time, but I do want to flit in and out of his thoughts, I want to be there, naked, be there, in a dress, be there in his bed, in lingerie, drinking a glass of champange, and waiting for him to come and ravish me.

I am working on getting there again. I am working on holding all of the power. I am going to get there, dammit. I am going to be the goddess of his world.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

I wish he didn't make me edgy. I wish I didn't get butterflies every time he makes a funny face at me, every time he touches my leg, hand, cheek, neck... Loving him is so easy, even though I am not supposed to, at least not yet.

Things are undecided, indeterminate. I never know what he wants, or where I stand with him. The only thing I can tell is that he wants me. I can draw him in rather easily. I know how things work in our relationship, and I have learned how to subtly have him as I want him. I am proud of myself for getting to that point, as I was not sure that I ever would. I wish I had more control over my emotions with him.

That is the one thing that I still feel like I am missing. I want to have the emotional control over this whole thing again. Once upon a time, I did. Once upon a time I ruled this relationship, almost entirely. I wish I could sit and answer when he talked to me, rather than seek him out all the time. Once I did that. Once I had my walls up to him completely. When I did, he needed to knock them down. He had the desperate desire to break through them, knock them down, and take me for his own.

Its not like that anymore. Its the opposite. I mostly feel like if I shut down a little, put some walls back in place, maybe he would need me again. Maybe he would have to have me in his life. Maybe he would have the desire to take me for his own again.

But on the other hand, we cannot play that game for ever. And when does it stop. When will we be able to just be together, normal, and just be happy?

Friday, July 24, 2009

I am stressing out. I am always stressing out. I mean, I get that this is "business as usual" for me, but dammit, I think it stinks.

Today I have to meet with my new team leader as well as one of the partners - one that I used to work with at my old firm sometimes. I am a little bit nervous about the whole thing, because I am always nervous when I have to meet with a partner and I am not entirely sure what it is about. The subject on the meeting request was "work schedule". Now I am not sure if that is "let's hammer emily because she leaves at 4 sometimes", or if it's "you're on a new member to this team, so let's talk about how things are done and see if we can better integrate you." I am hoping for number 2.

Wow. Now that it is over, I can say, it was neither of those two things. I was being presented with a new opportunity. I will be mostly working with the non-profit team, and kind of becoming an expert there, which will give me a HUGE chance to be moving up quickly (provided I can pass the stupid exam!) which is kind of what I have always been looking for. Not necessarily the chance to go quickly, but the definite opportunity to get face time with with partners, etc.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

So I have pretty much been sucking at updating this thing. Sorry about that. I am eventually going to get better at it and try and fill everyone in on my life and how things are more often. I guess I might say that a lot, huh? Well, maybe one of these times I will actually follow through.

I'll start with now, and then go back to last weekend, as Jason and I took a trip!

When I woke up this morning I had an email from my friend Becca. It was letting me know that there was a board meeting at Acting Up last night, and I was nominated (and then elected) to serve on their board. I am really excited about it, and it is something I was interested in anyway, so the fact that they were interested in adding me to their group is exciting, I think. I am working with them for the first time on HSM right now, being the assistant vocal director, which is a rather minor role, but it is giving me the opportunity to test the waters a little to see how I fit in on the production side of things.

I responded to her this morning with a few questions relating to my responsibilities as a board member, as well as asking what made them decide to ask me rather than anyone else if they were looking for a board member. After all, this is my very first show that I am involved with in this group. She responded with the fact that I am young and therefore offer a unique perspective. By that, she meant that I am not a parent of a child participating, like so many of them are. I will not bring any sort of bias for my own children to the table. I have a background in music, as well as lots of theater experience, and so I can probably bring something to the table on the production side as well. And I have my accounting background, which will help any group, so why not be chair of the finance committee or treasurer or something?

So yeah, I am going to say yes, I think. I am kind of excited to get the ball rolling!

I am just now having a little bit of a work issue. I apparently have a hard time interpreting what people are saying when they are talking to me and helping me out by giving directions. So yesterday, Lisa brought me some review points to clear on a return that we have been working on together. So she mentioned one in particular that was partially an open item (we don't yet have all information) but partially something that we could move forward on. So she explained to me the part that had what I could work on in it, and I wrote it down. I wrote it down to make sure that I did not forget what she said and so I could get it right as I don't want to get another set of review notes (I hate that, and I am really trying to do things better than I used to, trying
to improve).

Apparently, I misinterpreted what I said and what I wrote down. And so when I went to explain to her the problem I was having she looked at me like I was an idiot. And then when I tried to defend what I did and had written down, she again looked at me like I was an idiot. *sigh* I am really working hard here, and sometimes I think you cannot tell that I am doing that at all, which is terribly frustrating to me.

So last Thursday at about 3 pm, Jason and I got in the car and headed west. Almost directly west, until we hit the Mississippi River. St. Louis, to be specific.

It was about a 5 hour drive for us. And once you get through Indianapolis, there is NOTHING the rest of the way. We had some good music though, and we were both singing and dancing in our seats. So it was a good drive despite being kind of boring as far as scenery goes.

When we got there we checked into our hotel. We were staying at the Marriott at Union Station, which is the old train station in the city. It has been converted into the hotel and a little mall with a lot of kind of stupid shops (but a few decent restaurants. We took our stuff up to our room, where Jason immediately jumped onto the bed and beckoned to me, even though we were both hungry! We kissed for a few minutes and then decided we better go get something to eat as it was 9 pm in Cincinnati (only 8 in St. Louis).

Jason like to go to Hard Rock in whatever city he is in and he collects pint glasses (or pilsner glasses) from all of them. The Hard Rock in St. Louis was right at our hotel. So we walked through the little mall to the other side and went there. We figured it was close, we could have a beer, and Jason could get his glass, and then we could go home and go to bed. We were wiped out.

As anyone who has been there knows, Hard Rock is not necessarily famed for their food. It certainly is more for the atmosphere. And the prices sucked too.

On Friday morning, Jason wanted to go play golf. I rode along with him in the cart and took some pictures of him playing. He did not play particularly well for several reasons, all of which he justified to me on the way home while we were driving home. Once we got there, we decided to take a quick nap (it was amazing how tired we got doing things on this trip!) and then walk around and find some lunch. After lunch, we went to the arch and bought tickets for Saturday morning. We kind of hung out for a while, just sitting on the steps toward the river, looking around and resting in the sunshine.

We went to the Cardinals baseball game after that, as that was one of the major reasons that we went to St. Louis in the first place - its proximity to baseball. We got beers immediately upon entering the stadium and continued to drink all night. I have a feeling that is responsible for what happened later...

After the game we met Jason's cousin and his fiancee at a bar near the stadium. They were in town for a wedding. We met them, and then Jason and Chris disappeared for like a half hour. By the time we found them, we were rather irritated. Admittedly, this might have been out of line as they waited in line at the bar for a while, but to be truthful, I was just drunk and exhausted. So i told him that I wanted to go home. I said upfront that he did not have to come with me, it was only a 5 block walk, but I just wanted to go home and go to bed. Naturally, he was all "being a gentleman" and had to walk me home, make sure I was safe, etc. But that made him upset. We were both fired up and there was a bit of yelling going on and it was coming from both sides. I got a few things off my chest and he did too, I think.

After us both passing out, we made love the next morning, and apologized to each other for some of the things we said. It seemed ok then.

We went to the arch, checked out a brewery for lunch, went to anheuser-busch, visited forest park, took a really long nap, and went to westport to check out a few sports bars to eat dinner.
Sunday was more baseball and much more intoxication. We drank from noon till 7. First at the game, then we went to hooters and drank a few more pitchers. then we went home and had some really intense... and it was almost like I passed my intoxication on to him through it. He seemed fine (and I could hardly stand) and then he seemed drunk. It was pretty funny. We went to one of the restaurants in the hotel to have some appetizers for dinner, then we turned on a movie and passed out. Not a very involved or special vacation, but awesome anyway...

I'll get some pictures on here soon.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

I am so easily stressed out. If Jason doesn't get in touch with me for just 10 minutes or something and I know he has seen my message, it completely begins to freak me out. I am slightly selfish about the whole thing, assuming it is always about me, but mostly only if it is something bad. I guess I just have not really had anything good.

I really want to be able to keep my chin up, but for some reason, that is so not working out for me. I am just feeling edgey almost constantly about this relationship between the two of us. I mean, I love him, and in a lot of ways I do not doubt that he loves me too. Because if he didn't have really deep-rooted feelings for me, then why all the drama? Why the fuss about me having coffee with JD? Why all of the possessiveness when it comes to sex? I mean, he is forceful and overly controlling in bed, which while I really enjoy it, I am not sure that is entirely his style.

I don't know. How much effort does it really take to say "yes, I am excited." I mean, that is really all I have been asking for for like the past two days! The situation really wants me to give up on a lot of things. I mean, it is so not a big deal, or at least, it shouldn't be, and yet I feel like he is just not even caring. I mean, grr...

I am just feeling mad at him, as though he is being careless with my feelings or something. I mean, does he not care? Does he no longer love me or find me attractive or something? I don't get him, but then again, have I ever?

I am going to give him until 2 pm to respond to me. I feel like that is plenty of time to muster up some excitement. If not, then I am going to ...grrr...

And there he is. Excited, apparently. :)

I just really need to remain calm. Sometimes I think I should leave my cell phone in my car, so I didn't feel like I constantly want to hear from him. Of course, I do not constantly hear from him, and sometimes that bugs me. If I had the phone away from me, then I might not feel the need to check it a million times per day!

Monday, July 13, 2009

I have (if it is not obvious) been enjoying writing here lately. I like that fact that I don't think anyone that I know reads this ever! It is nice to be able to say what I am thinking/feeling without being in fear of some kind of repercussion or judgment. I am afraid of that sometimes, even if it might be silly.

I have therapy this afternoon. Considering how badly I needed it two weeks ago, I am feeling pretty ok this time. Granted, that last time Jason and I were in the middle of a gigantic blowout of a fight then. I am not sure how to talk about that at therapy this week. Obviously everything has calmed down since then. Things have become really good since then, even. We did the family thing at home, we have had a good sex life, nothing seems to be bad... Granted, we are still not "together" or anything, but we are back to normal and relatively happy, I think. We are still leaving for vacation on Thursday, etc.

I am not sure about this relationship sometimes, just because I know it is the kind of thing that my therapist (probably any therapist) would question. I don't want people to question these things, especially because my gut feeling is that this is right. Don't people always say that you need to go with your gut about things? And here I am trying to.

I mean, after all, the reason he was mad was because he was jealous, even though he is calling it disrespect. I mean, that is a little ridiculous to say that is what it was. I mean, simply put, it was jealousy as that is all that it could be. I mean, we aren't even a couple, so how can you say that I was being disrespectful of you or our relationship somehow? That is just silly!

Grr... The situation frustrates me a little. I am ready to move forward. But patience, em, patience...

I suck at being patient.

On the way home from the therapist though, I am going to stop at Jungle Jim's (a gigantic grocery store with just about anything you could imagine!) and see if I can find any ginger beer for Jason to take with us on our trip. He has kind of been on the lookout for that since seeing some advertisement in his golfing magazine. So he wants a "dark & stormy" which is a ginger beer mixed with with this dark rum. He has the rum already (I got it for him in Toledo), but we have not been able to find a ginger beer yet.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

I am watching "When Harry Met Sally". What an amazing movie. It makes me happy to see it. I just am a chick flick girl at heart, I think.
We had a clown photo shoot today. Check out some photos:

Friday, July 10, 2009

I am incredibly stressed out right now. I can not figure out how to do things in this stupid system. I hate taxes today. Today all of this stuff is the worst stuff ever. It has been the most difficult return I have ever done because it has been so stressful for me for months now. I cannot believe the way that I am feeling, and that I have been doing this stupid thing for as long as I have been! Ugh! I haven't been so frustrated over a return since last January. And interesting fact about that... I was working with the same reviewer on that one, who was stressing me out then about that return, and she is doing it again on this one!

It is a lot the fact that she is not here all of the time and so things can get pushed off and held up as a result of that. I don't want to get too upset over it, because someday I might need to be working a flexible schedule like that, but for now, it honestly makes my job a little bit more difficult. When she isn't here working on stuff, sometimes I can get stuck for days (occasionally even weeks!) at a time. It is extremely stressful to me, and I really just want to sign off on this client permanently.

I just want it to be done. I am so frustrated with the whole thing. It has made me feel dumb over and over for the last several months. I feel like I have dedicated my whole life to this stupid thing. I feel like I can't do anything right on this, which makes me feel like "no wonder I can't pass my stupid exam" and it makes me cry. Then of course, I stress Jason out a little, I think, which is never good because he reacts poorly (and sometimes angrily) to my stress and crying.

I want to have a normal life. I am fairly certain that I will never be fortunate enough to have one of those. Between the life I have chosen with my work, as well as my medication/doctor visits, etc, I doubt my life will ever be completely normal, even when things try to calm down.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

I have to admit, I was hoping this year would be my year. I was really hoping that this was going to be the year that I was going to get out of debt, and be able to buy a house/condo/whatever. I just have really wanted to do that, pretty much since Jon and I broke up and I realized that I was not going to be living at his house. So it has been almost exactly two years now that I have wanted to buy a house. Naturally, that has not happened. I really want to get out of debt and move forward, I just really am not sure that I know how or that I can.

I guess it is suddenly becoming a big deal again because Jason is looking. He is looking to buy a house or condo, and I am reading things into it about... maybe the seriousness of our relationship or something? It is not that I am necessarily purposely trying to read into things, but the way he acts and the things he says make it nearly impossible not to. Little things like "when we move" which he immediately corrects, and wanting me to see the places before he even makes an offer...

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

So like I said yesterday, that lasted all of two weeks. He was back to texting me with some regularity, and I was back to missing him every single day of my life.

I managed to make it through tax day. I hooked up with Dan, as expected, at the April 15 party, went up to his house on the hill, but not after I called Jason, trying to get him to come out with me. It makes me laugh a little now, thinking about it, and remembering how completely wasted I was, calling him, trying to get him to come out with me. Man that was one of those nights where I was extremely lucky. But if he had come out with me, all would have been different.

The following week, I had tickets to see Avenue Q. A musical that I had been listening to the music from for quite some time, and that I had introduced to Jason. It was something that made him laugh, that he loved to listen to during our time together. He knew I had tickets, and he was pressing me to take him with me to see it. I was resisting this, knowing how I felt about him, knowing that I really wanted to see him, wanted us to spend time together, wanted to be with him the whole time that we have been broken up.

After the 4/15 party, something about Dan and what we were doing smacked me in the face. I freaked out. He had a girlfriend, and here I was sleeping with him. I was supposed to go hang out with him on Saturday of that week, but I was going to be going home alone, most likely his girlfriend was going to be there! I had known this all along, of course, but something about that weekend finally caused it to hit home. My head pretty much exploded as a result.

I remember being in near hysterics, texting Jason suggesting that we run away because I needed to get the hell out. He obviously couldn't just leave work (I had a holiday because of tax day), and so I left on my own and told him yes, he could go to the show with me. I went to Toledo, where I tried to spend a weekend away from all of those feelings, away from the confusion that I allowed myself to feel about everything. And so I did. For one weekend, I hid at my mom's trying to steer clear of the drama that had come up around me. I didn't necessary do a very good job, as I remember not feeling rested at all when I cam back, but I did what I had to do at the time.

So here we are, 2 and a half months removed from that trip to see Avenue Q. We're seeing each other several times per week. I am happy, he is happy.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

I can't believe it has been so long since I last wrote in here. Things have been crazy since November. I think I had just started seeing Jason at that point. I might have even been whining about Chris and what was going on there.

Since then, I have fallen head over heels in love with Jason. He is a very old friend from high school, that I started to spend time with in late October. He was in aggressive pursuit of me, which made me run the other direction. Then we had a ridiculous amount of back and forth involving the two of us and his ex girlfriend Jen. I fucked around with one of my coworkers while we were broken up.

Dan. Dan and I had some really hot sex, and for a while, I thought I might have some feelings for him, but turns out, it was just sex. Great sex. Sex that had me have the sex in the strangest, skeeziest place I have ever had sex. A dirty motel.

He helped me to have fun though, and enjoy myself while I was dealing with some heartbreak. I went on an awesome date at a fancy restaurant with this guy that I had no interest in. He made out with me (and I let him but did not really participate) in the upper level of a super romantic steak restaurant. I hung out with James, this cute guy I have known since just before Jason and let him grope me and stuff, but wouldn't let him kiss me.

So I distracted myself for a while until Jason realized that Jen was fucking him over, again. It took close to three months, with one brief and magical encounter in the middle.

That magical encounter needs a description and a story all its own, I think.

So we broke up at the end of January. He felt like he had to get everything with Jen figured out before he could devote himself to me. A month later, they were done. So late February. They were trying to do the friend thing, and in mid March, he calls and asks me out. I hesitated for a long time, because I just was not sure that I could do it again. I was not sure that I was willing to go there, again, after all we had been through and I had tried to get over.

I eventually agreed to go though, and he took me out for a nice dinner. We went to BJs Brewhouse (for the first time), and we talked A LOT. There was a lot of catching up to do after two months of being "off". He was extremely supportive, winking at me from across the table, holding my hand when I was talking about my dad and what was going on there, etc. When we went back to his house to watch a movie, we couldn't help it. We made out on the couch, touching gentley for the entire movie. When it was over, I asked him to take me to bed.

We made love (it was definitely love making) and talked about the future, dreamed of it together, etc. He projected this huge fantasy onto me, and I trusted that it was the truth.

He, even now, insists that it was the truth. But after all of that, he said he just wanted to be friends. It was heartbreaking. I told him I didn't want to be his friend, I loved him and I always would. So eff him and I wanted him out of my life.

That lasted all of two weeks until he was texting me again and stuff.

More another time...