Monday, August 31, 2009

It is amazing what a few weeks and then a few words can do for a relationship.

I'm happy.

My moods are starting to stabilize which is HUGE for me. Things are finally beginning to even out, which has been something that I wanted since my diagnosis.

And I am at work, busy. This is nice. It always is great to have a distraction regularly. It keeps me from having a meltdown, it keeps me from freaking out, etc. And Jason doesn't have to deal with my extremely dramatic mood swings.

Hooray for feeling better.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

I am in love. I am happy. I am really feeling wonderful.

I really hope to keep this up.
I am in love. I am happy. I am really feeling wonderful.

I really hope to keep this up.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Its Friday! Yahoo for that!

Things are good right now. I had dance rehearsal last night, and the number we are working on right now is a super fun one. It takes place on a pirate ship. We dance with swords, which makes it look really neat (especially when all of the swords are moving together). So I am pretty excited to keep the ball rolling at least with the dancing in this show, because it is really going to be awesome, I think.

Generally, I am having fun. There are some times when I would rather be doing something else, but the good outweighs the bad, I think.

I went to sleep with Jason again last night. Since we are driving to Toledo together today, it made sense for me to leave my car there with him, so we could just head north from downtown. So I got there last night, late, after I went out with my friends. I told him that if he was so concerned, he knew that we were going to Willie's, and he should have gone out there and met us all there. He knows that Thursday night is Willie's night, because he used to come with us pretty often!

So tonight we will be staying at Bruce's house. Tomorrow night we will be staying with my mom. I am kind of pleased at the way things are all turning out and shaping up in these different aspects of my life. I have moments of anxiety, moments of pure panic, but I feel like I am maybe slowly becoming calm enough to handle these moments appropriately. Or my medication is magical. Either way... I mean, I will take it!

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Yesterday was a good one. And I was with Jason all night last night, which is always awesome. It just feels good, feels safe to be near him.

I think things might be slowly getting better, getting more steady. I am being calm overall, and it has been 17 days (knock on wood) since I have had a major explosion to him. I have admittedly had a few internal ones, but overall, I am doing well. I am getting better at controlling things.

This sedative thing is weird though. It hasn't really been helping me sleep all that well or much, but if I skip it, I almost instantly feel a flair up in my ability to sit still. For instance, right now I am feeling like that.

Okay. Toledo tomorrow. Bring it.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Well... another day has come and gone. Once again I am feeling here, alone. At least I get to see J tonight. I truly miss him when I am not near him. Dumb as that may be, especially because I am lucky enough to see him pretty often, but I just cannot help it most of the time.

I am trying to sort through a mess I made of a return. Yesterday when I went through it, I almost cried. It made me feel horrible to be sitting in the partner's office having him going over mistakes that I made (most of which were completely stupid) and I was totally feeling in over my head. He could tell I was about to cry and told me if I needed to talk, he would listen. I just don't feel like talking to anyone else. I told him that I had Maureen and Lisa, but thanked him.

Sigh. I felt like such a fool. I was totally out of my head, bats, when I completed the return he was going over with me. It was completely stressful to me, and I felt really dumb when he caught me, about to cry.

Today I am trying to make the changes that he requested to the return and it was DEFINITELY giving me a headache.

Seeing Jason tonight. Keep your fingers crossed and say a little prayer for me that things are still good.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

I swear to God, I'll never understand... How you can stand there straight and tall and see I'm crying and not do anything at all...

Thats a line from one of my favorite musicals, The Last 5 Years. I am not sure it is exactly what I am feeling right now, but sometimes it is definitely exactly where I am, and exactly what I am feeling on any given day.

Things just feel so messed up sometimes. I really hate it. I am one of those people who just gets SO EASILY overwhelmed, and I tend to overreact so much, that things seem to easily fall apart all around me. I take my meds like I am supposed to (at least, mostly) and I try hard to make sure that everything around me is at least in some kind of state where I have a little bit of control over things. Naturally I am never all the way there. I am not sure that I will ever be all the way there. I am not sure if it is possible for someone like me. I hate that. I hate the fact that I have some kind of mental disease that I have zero control over.


Life with bipolar. My other blog that I seem to have forgotten about since November. I am not sure that I really want to re-open it in any way, I am not sure how much I have to say there that I don't already say here. Having somewhere separate to talk about my disease seems as though it might be rather unnecessary at this point. It is all right here, at least lately, so why do I even have that.

Naturally, right now, my thoughts are moving like some terrifically fast slide show through my head, and I can do NOTHING to slow things down. It is an absolute wreck right now, and I am really trying hard to get things to go back to normal. This means more doctors, more medications, and less sleep - at least for now.

My latest medication added to my collection was a sedative. I am supposed to take it about an hour before I go to bed, and it is supposed to help me sleep. Last night was the first time that I took it. I took it around 9:30 (as requested by my doctor), and got in bed around 10:30. I read for a while (maybe a half hour?) and then fell asleep. But for the rest of the night I was up every half hour, feeling like it was time for me to get up! It wasn't, and I finally got out of bed 15 minutes before my alarm was supposed to go off. I should have just gotten up when I woke up at 5:30 and gone to the gym. But I didn't. Lame, on my part.

Oh well. Maybe tomorrow if it happens again? I kind of have my fingers crossed that it does, because I think going to the gym is super helpful to me.

I spent an hour in Maureen's office this morning. She is SO HELPFUL. She really helped me to see some things that I need to get done, as well as give me some perspective. Thank goodness.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Another weekend has come and gone. This one was better and far more interesting than most. It was quite busy, and in a good way too!

Friday night Corey had a pure romance party. It was a great time. I had SEVERAL beers, and sat with Corey, and she and I tend to be a bit of the life of the party kind of girls in situations like that. It was one of those situations where it was said, "If I haven't tried it, Emily probably has" said by Corey. And I suppose that was pretty much the truth. We had a ton of fun. I spent too much money (as usual) but I am definitely looking forward to receiving what I purchased!

I think Jason might be rather excited about it himself! At least, I am hopeful, because our sex life has been great for the last few days. Toys, no toys, different positions or standard, everything has been awesome. Which is kind of strange considering he was anti-sex with me just 2 weeks ago because he felt like it was blurring the lines for him when he was trying to figure out how he felt about Jen, etc. Trying to move on and get over her.

It's too soon to bring that up and figure out what happened though. I feel like I need to continue to go with the flow for now. So I am enjoying the time we are spending, which relates to the rest of my weekend.

So I told Jason (he was playing beer pong with his friends while I was at the party) that if he needed a ride home, he should call me. I just wanted to make sure that he got home safely without driving drunk (he does that sometimes). I didn't want him to do that, as the LAST thing he needs is a DUI (or worse, and accident or dying!) So around 1 am he called me. I was still over at the party, so it was not like I had gone home and to bed yet. So I drove over to his friend's house, which was less than five minutes from where I was, so it was not a big deal at all.

I let myself into Josh's house, said hello to him (he was on the couch) and headed down to the basement where the game was going on. I thought it was kind of funny that the homeowner was upstairs and all of the friends were down, but whatever. I got there and remembered the basement from the last time I was there, all the way back in December when Jason and I went to the crosstown shootout together (University of Cincinnati v. Xavier University). We had gone over there for a few rounds of beer pong before the game.

When I got downstairs, Jason was sitting on a stool next to this girl, and he was playing with her phone and talking to her. I know that my eyes got a little angry instantly that he was talking to another girl. He looked up and said, "Oh, you're with me" and immediately stood up to give me the stool. He stood next to me with his hand on my thigh, and introduced me to the girl he was sitting next to and she was a wife of one of the other guys who was there (making me feel much better about him sitting next to and talking to her). She and I got to talking and it turned out she was there for the same reason I was... to drive her drunk significant other home.

Jason was very insistent that I take him to White Castle. I pretty much refused, saying that he was going to really regret that decision in the morning. He said that I had to take him, or he was going to drive himself. So I decided that it would be better to drive him myself and go through White Castle than to let him drive himself. A stomachache in the morning (which he might have anyway) would be far better than a DUI or an accident.

So I went through the drive through at White Castle and got him a few sliders, a coke, and some fries. He pretty much inhaled what I got for him. I drove him home and took him inside. He immediately invited me to stay (what the heck? this is already the second time this week, after he told me he needed some space, and so I ONLY scheduled time with him for Saturday!). When we got in the house and were walking toward the bedroom, he pinned me up against the wall in the hallway and started to kiss me. I told him he had onion breath and he should brush his teeth, which made him laugh and kiss me more, lots of opened mouth kisses. Thank you Jason... Grrr...

He stripped me (and himself) and threw me into bed. For the next two hours we had sex. I can't even say "make love" because it was definitely extremely forceful and really hot. He flipped me around, held me down, had me in nearly every position that I know (and added some new ones), we had to add lube eventually because I was worn out, and he wanted to keep going (so we did!). It was a two hour sex session that did not end in him finishing (because trust me, he might not have been too drunk to get it up, but he was definitely too drunk to finish).

It was amazing.

Saturday we overslept a little bit. He was supposed to be outside by 7:15 am to meet his buddy to go golfing. It was 7:20 when I rolled over and we kissed good morning. He realized then what time it was and shot up. He was ready and out the door in 5 minutes. He left me the keys so I could leave and lock up later on, as long as I promised to be back before he got back (around 2) so I could let him in. But I did have places to go that morning, so I could not just stay around and wait for him (and therefore let him take the keys). He got his golfclubs out of the back of my car, locked it, and was off. I stayed in bed for another twenty minutes, and then left to go to the parade for HSM.

After the parade, I stopped at home to get a few things that I needed for being at Jason's for the rest of the day, and headed back over there. It was a little bit before he was going to be getting home, so I settled back in bed (we had gotten less than three hours of sleep due to our bed gymnastics the night before) and turned on the lifetime movie network. I watched it and rested a bit, and then when it got close to the time he was coming home, I showered and dressed to be ready to see him.

He got home and showered, wanted to play a game of football on his X- Box before we did anything else. I thought that was just fine, and settled myself in, next to him on the couch to relax while he played football. I played on the computer a little and cuddled up close to him until we decided to get on with the evening as we had originally planned.

It involved BJ's Brewhouse (one of our favorite bars), the golf store (Jason had to get things for the golf outing he was putting on today as well as try out a few new wedges), and grocery shopping at Jungle Jim's. We did those things, and the grocery shopping was an interesting experience. It was very much a "team" thing, as though we were shopping for "us" for "our" home. He kept asking me "do you want these? Will you eat this?" It was all very nice and really sweet. He said he was planning on cooking me dinner soon.

When we got home we put all of the groceries and stuff away, and climbed into bed to watch a movie and relax for the remainder of the evening. I watched most of it, but after we kissed and cuddled for a little bit, Jason fell asleep.

Sunday morning, we got up and made love (this time I would call it that), and then we headed off in our separate directions for the day. He had to play golf (had to, ha!) and I had rehearsals and a meeting. He wanted to see me AGAIN that evening though, which I was surprised about. So last night, around 9 (after he got home from golf and I was done with my meeting) I stopped to get ice cream and went over there. We cuddled all night, and made love again this morning before I left for work.

Still not sure what is up, of course, but I am loving us.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Friday. Finally. I have been LIVING for the weekend this week. The week has been completely filled with doctors and rehearsals and what feels like a thousand other things. I have been running around like a wild woman.

And that is completely proof of the things that happened at my various doctors this week.

Turns out, I am very much in the "upswing" portion of my disease. I am completely manic, and possibly even a little bit out of control at times. I have a decent handle on myself, which is more than a lot of people in my situation can say about themselves, but I still am having issues with the sleeping, issues with the making life happen, etc.

So this morning, I was at the doctor to talk about my medication. I am now on a sedative, which scares the crap out of me. To me a sedative seems like the "strap you to the bed" kind of medication. So hopefully it will help, and I won't feel TOO out of it as a result. Honestly, I am a little nervous.

Fun party tonight. New toys for E & J coming up!

Thursday, August 20, 2009

I am so not sure how much longer I can keep this up. Doctor tomorrow for a medication update. Fingers crossed it helps.

On the plus side, I had AMAZING sex last night.
I am so not sure how much longer I can keep this up. Doctor tomorrow for a medication update. Fingers crossed it helps.

On the plus side, I had AMAZING sex last night.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

I am having another stressful day. Its not even 9 am yet! I already feel rather overwhelmed with things and what I have to get done. I am super confused about what I am doing with this stupid return that I have been working on for a pretty long time. It is stressful for sure. It just seems like I can not wrap my head around some of the changes that the partner that I am working with made to the return in the last year, which would help me to rollforward the return. I feel like if I could understand why he did what he did, then I could make the changes similarly for the current year, and then I would be good.

I am really feeling strange about things with Jason right now. After all of the nonsense last week (him taking away our physical relationship, etc), last night he really wanted me to come over and cuddle with him. Now I absolutely adore when he holds me close because I feel like there is nothing that could ever be wrong in the world when I am in that position, close to him. And so I really really wanted to go to him last night, to fall asleep comfortably in his arms, and to remember the good times, the times when I thought that there was no way he could ever hurt me.

The times before he did hurt me...


When I look at all of that, I sometimes wonder what the hell I am thinking. Why am I going down this road again? Why am I stuck in this "rut" (or magical place?) where I am completely in love and cannot manage to shake myself of these feelings? Do I even want to? Should I even CONSIDER trying to changing them or letting them go when his entire family thinks we will work out in the end and he will come around eventually.

I mean, I know that he loves me. I know straight up, no question in my mind, nothing, that he loves me. Hell, he might even love me a lot. In fact, I am almost 100% positive that he does love me a lot. But what the eff is he doing, and why does he keep screwing us up?!?

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Well, well, well... Tuesday after a rather hectic Monday. I am rather stressed out because I do feel like I have a ton of stuff to get done (my to-do list is 2 pages!) and I am not sure how on earth I am going to fit it all in. I am doing my damnest to make sure I get everything done, and I have my list, as it always makes me feel good to be able to check stuff off the list.

I am stressed out because I am having issues with the interest computations. They will not calculate all the way through the date that I need them to, so I am trying to compute them by hand as much as possible. I keep changing my mind about the best approach to these calculations, so that is a little bit frustrating to me. I think I have a handle on my approach now, so it will make it easier going forward, but I might have wasted some time doing it on my first run through. Since I kept changing my approach, I spent more time on it. But I might possibly have it down to a science at this point.

I just need SOMETHING to go correctly/as planned. Just once.

Monday, August 17, 2009

What a strange weekend it was... Instead of spending a ton of time recapping it, since I already have once, I am just going to copy an email I sent to my co-worker, Sarah, with the details. I feel like that will explain a lot.

So, Toledo…

Jason is still on his “just friends” kick. *rolls eyes* which is just obnoxious. The weekend started out weird. He told me what is up with him, and why we had to step back. Apparently he isn’t completely over what happened with Jen, and he apparently was going to propose to her, just 2 weeks before he and I started hanging out again. Now he did tell me that he believed proposing would just be a Band-Aid solution (how could they fight so much if they were getting married?) which tells me that at least he knows in his HEAD that they don’t belong together. Now to get there with his heart…

He openly admitted that he does love me, but he cannot give me “the world” as I would give him because he is still trying to deal with all of this junk. We agreed that the “friends” thing is good for now, but that when he starts to feel better, we owe it to each other to give the relationship another go. Naturally, I cried a little, and actually was a little shocked about that revelation… the whole marriage thing, I mean.

We openly discussed what would happen if he gets this job (he doesn’t know yet), and it came down to the fact that it is supposed to be a “project” so it would be two years at the longest. So not awful. When I brought up a few of my points, like “what would you DO in Lafayette?” His response was “grow corn, watch paint dry…” So obviously he is not totally thrilled with the idea. He said I would be there to visit a lot. I asked him what would happen if we worked and what would happen then, what would I do there? And his response was “become Amish, cook, clean, take care of the babies…” Obviously a joke, but also obviously not something he is completely against (our future, I mean).

Friday night he went and stayed at his uncle’s house, alone. I stayed at my parents (or I guess, my mom’s considering all of the drama with my folks, their separation and not yet divorce) and was up late talking with my mom and hanging out with my sister’s dogs. We used to have one, but we put her down a few years ago. It is nice to have some around again because they are good for hugging when you are sad. It stunk that he wasn’t with me, but we had gone out to dinner and he was tolerant of my sitting close to him and very receptive of our future conversation, despite the fact that he is not “ready”. So I guess I’ll take it.

Saturday he played golf, I had a golf lesson, and then I had the afternoon to myself while he was still at the course. He called me not too long after my lesson to hear how it went and what I was up to, as well as tell me about his morning (he ended up spending $600 to get new tires on his car, and was not happy about it!) Now seriously, do you call your “friend” to give her life updates when you last saw her at 9 pm the night before? Grrr… So I went to the bookstore, did a swimming pool workout with my mom and aunt (it was tough, and they do it every single day!), and fell asleep for a while.

Jason’s aunt and uncle were have a party that night, and he invited me to come along. He played cornhole and drank beer with the guys, while I drank beer and talked to the girls. Now, I just fit in with this family. It has been openly discussed that although Bruce and Michelle have met other girlfriends of Jason’s (and his ex-wife) that I am the only one that they feel really comfortable around, and that I am comfortable around them. There was a LOT of dialogue between me and Bruce and Michelle about us and what I should do and where I should go from here. Bruce said that he obviously does love me, because he keeps bringing me around. Michelle talked a lot about how “Nickles men” start to get scared when things get too comfortable, and they need a little something to shake things up, so they get scared and run every time for the first year. They were both very much in agreement that this is supposed to work out and that I am perfect for him, so I need to be patient. Bruce is Jason’s closest friend/relative, so him saying that meant a WHOLE lot to me.

Just wanted to give you an update, since it was such an overwhelming weekend…


Friday, August 14, 2009

I hate life sometimes. Kind of a lot. I am busy trying to deal with things in my life that have been feeling completely out of control.

Meaning, me.

I am completely out of control. I hate the fact that I am completely nutso, and that I have very little control over my reactions to things, and that I tend to get weird and emotional and panicked at every single little thing. I hate myself for being like that. I hate the fact that I "forget" (and basically just choose to skip) taking my medicine, because I know that it is no help to me or anything like that. I know that it is just going to hurt me and make me worse in the long run.

I hate that the one thing that I feel like I need to help keep me stable, help keep me balanced is J, and that I need to be stable and balanced to keep him.

I hate circles. I hate things that are round.

I love rubber bands. They help.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

I can't. I can't function like this for very long. I don't go back to my doctor for a while now. I need something to take the edge off, desperately. I am on a drug that is simply for "maintenance" according to my sheet.

I was completely manic last night, and I was up running around from 12:30 until almost three. I was cleaning, but only kind of cleaning. I am not entirely sure what I got accomplished, only that there was a lot of running done, and all of it was extremely high energy, high intensity work. I did no "real" cleaning. I did not do dishes, I did not run the vacuum, I did not hang my coffee pictures in the kitchen (note to self: this needs to get done soon).

I am just... completely nuts, I think. I am running on empty and running in high gear all at the same time. It is extremely stressful and it really is starting to kill me, I think.

Slowly. I am slowly losing my mind. I am slowly falling apart.

Jason has decided that I need to get well and he needs to get happy before we can even think about being together. I am not sure I know what that means. However, I confronted him about being scared because obviously that is the situation that I am dealing with. Jason freaking out about silly things. Granted, I cannot blame him for not being able to handle my dramatic mood swings. Hell, I cannot handle my dramatic mood swings.

I am going to explode. And yet, it has only been 2 days. Only 2 days out of thirty without a freak out.

I have no clue if I am going to make it.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Well, I got through day one without a panic attack. I think I am going to change one of my 101 things to go 30 days without one. Or at least without having one TO Jason.

Although I might. Now. As he doesn't want me to spend the night.

Deep breath. I'll make it.

It'll be ok. It has to be ok. We belong together.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Today is a new day. I am not sure where I stand today in my mind as well as in my life and relationship. I think Jason is possibly trying to take some time from communicating with me to see how I react. I am doing my damnest to not freak out about it.

I popped a Xanax this morning, in hopes that it would help calm my nerves. I am trying to be better about my medication all the time, and I am failing relatively often. I sometimes wonder if I was better about that, if I would react better to situations. I also wonder if I should tell Jason that I have been sucking at taking them. I don't want to make myself any excuses, but at the same time, that could certainly have a MAJOR affect on my reactions to things and how I react to him and the situations that we are in.

My mom says it is a vicious circle that we are caught in. She seems to believe that I freak out because I do not necessarily have any stability in my relationship from Jason. (I am sure that is part of the reason, if not all). And then Jason will not give me that stability/security because I freak out, and he isn't sure that he can deal with that forever. Makes sense to me, but of course, then I still don't have the security, so I freak out again and more, which of course further complicates the situation and adds to it.

I just want to be better. To feel better. Help...

Monday, August 10, 2009

Well, I am effed. I didn't get the role. I can't even remember if I said that before or not, but it's a true story. And of course that frustrates me to absolutely no end. It makes me want to cry, a lot. I really needed something, something to help me calm down, to give me something to do and get through this time right now where I don't know what is going on.

Yeah, Jason and I are still effed up. He still doesn't know what he wants, I am still very vocal about how I am feeling about everything.

This is always a problem. I hate that shit. I don't want to react the way that I have been, not at all. I hate the way that I act. I never want to upset him, and yet I always do. Every single god damn time. I always overreact, I always upset him.

I just need one thing to go right in my life. Just one time. Fuck.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Jason comes home today. I missed him. I think he missed me too.
So he missed me when he was just gone the weekend. How could he move? :(

Saturday, August 8, 2009

I have been trying to remain more calm about everything.

After I told Jason my doc's suggestion about him telling me RIGHT AWAY if something is bugging him or if something is wrong, and him agreeing to do that, I am beginning to feel a thousand times better about that. I don't freak out now that I did something wrong just because he has not immediately responded to me. At least, I am beginning to do a little bit better about that, because I have to TRUST that he would tell me if there was something up since he said he would.

Its a weird weekend though, because he has been gone since Wednesday, and its now Saturday.

I miss him when he isn't here. I miss him a lot.

He said he'll be back tomorrow. I can't wait to see him, truthfully. I need him, bad.

Friday, August 7, 2009

I am SO READY for Jason to come home. I miss him. A lot.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

I am so tired. I am tired of fretting, tired of wondering, tired of trying to wrap my head around myself and make sense of how I am.

My therapist said when I saw her on Monday that the reason that you can get married more quickly in a relationship once you get older is because at about 25 or 26 you are who you are. You are done developing as a person. (Now that scares me a little because of the irrationality I have about some things, but at the same time, I am learning to control it.) So that means I know who I am (?) I guess. I don't know, it is certainly going to take some work, little by little, I will become more secure in this person, right?

God, I hope so. The more secure I am with me, the more secure I can be in my relationship. Right now I am really tired.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

I can't handle this. I don't know when (or IF) he is leaving. I don't know what will happen when (or IF) he does.

I went to therapy yesterday. I feel like I have to express my needs and feelings on the situation, but how soon is too soon when it comes to the "where are we going, and how are we going to get there?" conversation?

On one hand, its been only 3 months. On the other hand, its been a year.


Monday, August 3, 2009

Well, I have no idea what comes next. He is going to put his name in the ring for this job. He confirmed that when we were at lunch yesterday. I - because I am emotional nutcase when it comes to him - excused myself from the table so I could cry in the bathroom a little and then clean up my face before returning. I felt like garbage about it. I can't believe he is even considering moving when things with us are going well.

Everytime I leave him, I casually say, "no moving." He always responds with "blah blah." I have no idea what that means. I don't know if we'll try to make it work while he is gone. I don't know that he will set himself some kind of time limit for being there.

Honestly, I don't know that he'll be happy there, despite the fact that is is a MAJOR opportunity for him as far as his career goes. There is not much going on there, and all of his friends, they are here. I am here. What does that mean to him? I mean, yes, he has friends in Toledo too, people he talks to regularly and sees as often as he can. But I don't want our relationship to come down to facebook. And I really don't want us to break up because he is moving. I don't think that I can handle that.

Could this be the end of us for real??

I am sitting here, I know it might be wrong, but I am praying all the time that for whatever reason, this does not work out, or that if it does, he wants me to come too. Granted, I have no idea what I would do there other than work at his company (probably not too possible) or bartend somewhere, but that sure as shit would be a waste of a Masters degree.

I am praying for me... I hope that God listens...

Sunday, August 2, 2009

He can't go. He can't. He can't. He can't. I feel like things are too good for us, and too good for it to get screwed up now. I know this is a panic thing for me, a point of contention in my relationship, this panic, gah!

It makes me write and spill my guts and cry. I can hardly handle it.

I cheesed it up last night and watched "The Notebook". This was potentially a bad move. I just cried and cried and sobbed at the love that was there between the two of them and the fact that they went through all of that together. The fact that there was 7 years apart and then they still came back together and stayed together. Forever.

They got years and years together. I want that. I want 50 years. I want to be with someone that I love that much and that I would do anything for like that for 50 years. Most of the time, I think that could definitely be him. But then I get so nervous about what my life would be like without him that I freak out and panic and usually run to him and talk myself stupid. And that always looks dumb.

And here I am... I just asked him a question and his response was "umm..." Naturally that puts me in a state again. An extra additional state of panic. God damn it. There is something wrong with me. I am in a constant wreck, a constant state of panic. Constant state of wondering what the hell we are doing and where the hell this is going and what is going to happen next. Every time I feel like I have some sense of security, something happens to put the kabosh on that.

Right now, its the "is he moving?" thing hanging over my head.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Well, here I am on a Saturday night doing nothing. I am writing an entry in this stupid blog that I am supposed to be using when my brain is broken, when I need to just run my mouth and blow off steam and try not to freak out to Jason.

I don't know why I am such a mess of panic. I don't know why whenever I am not near him (even though we had one of the most amazing nights of our lives last night), I freak out. I just feel the desire to be close to him all the time. I know that is not possible though, and I hate it.

I am not sure what is wrong with me that I feel like I need to do this and act this way, but I am trying not to be like this, and maybe if writing it down rather than vocalizing it will begin to help me cope with my shortcomings (such as my tendency to panic), then I want to try and do it, try and take care of it.

I hate it when ... when I feel like there is something to the idea of a "summer romance". Granted, most of this comes from the fact that I am watching the Notebook as I read this. It can't be. We can't have that. It can't end when September comes... He can't go, he can't leave.

I effing love the man. Its gosh damn stupid. But I can never ever get him out of my head. Ever.

Well, the picnic was a success. It was AWESOME.

My corset was a huge hit. I am going to have to revive that one again. Well, maybe a different corset, but I think the idea of the ensemble was very very good. He really had no desire to even PRETEND to resist me. That was awesome.

I don't ever want to go without that feeling that I had when I was with him. It was too amazing to EVER give up.