Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Today is casual date night for Em & Jason. Friday is fancy date night. As in, I am wearing a dress. Sweet.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

I am apparently going on a date on Friday night. Jason I guess is taking me out. I think that means that I am supposed to wear a dress. I have only been on a few real dates in my time, and that includes that steak dinner with Rob back in April. That was so nice, it made me uncomfortable. Additionally, the making out in the upper level of the restaurant next to a giant crystal chandelier made me very uncomfortable. He was trying so hard to be my boyfriend, and I was obviously still in love with Jason. But I tried, I guess that was all that I could do at the time.

I sometimes wonder if all of the things that I did during that period in time were helpful or hurtful in my "moving on" (which obviously never happened!). I mean, I had fun with Dan. We drank too much and all of that, but we always used protection, we had fun, and he provided me with an easy, light and casual distraction from real life and how badly I was hurting. Work was doing the same thing for me at the time. I was very very busy, and I did not let myself have very much alone time at all. It was the best thing for me at the time. I ran around and had a really good time at least.

I have zero regrets about Dan, except for the fact that I never told him what was going on with Jason, and I just stopped returning his calls. That might have been stupid. After all, it made me lose my chance to go for a ride on the bike. I do feel bad about that. Maybe one of these days I will give him a call and see if he wants to meet for a drink. At least with me and maybe some of the Wholesale girls and Lisa.

Sometimes I wonder if J has any clue how badly I was feeling at that time. A lot of the time, I think no, as he seems to easily brush me off with out so much as a second thought. I mean, not now, of course, but while everything was going down with Jen, things were a lot different. It was like he couldn't figure it out. I really cannot wrap my head around what his problem was for so long there. Carol once asked him out and out what the hell the deal was. I am not sure how I should react to his response. Carol says it is a good thing, and I will have to take her word for it.

Enough about that time in my life, it was too hard, it was too terrible.

I need to save my legs. They are bugging me...

No time for that today though! Tonight consists of the gym, rehearsal and going home to pay some bills. Good times with the bill-paying... Ew.

Maybe I will get a little chance tonight after rehearsal. I hope so, because I am exhausted of feeling hairy. It makes me feel unattractive, but I guess it kind of does make me unattractive.

So I was thinking about getting a Brazilian before Jason and I go to Vegas. I have no idea where I can get one of those, but I always have thought about it, and being in the sun in my bikini is the right time to have one! So I leave here on the 6th of November. So maybe around the 3rd or the 4th I should get it done. I am going to have to look into different places around here to get it done. I should ask Jess, I know at one point she wanted to do that herself, so maybe she has some insight into places to go and people to see.

I got flowers in the office today. Jason. He is a sweetie. I do love him. I haven't gotten flowers from him in almost a year. I guess I am getting back to the point that I wanted with him. Back to where we would have been headed a year ago if circumstances hadn't screwed everything up. Maybe we'll finally get there. Maybe things will finally come together the way that we wanted them to so long ago. Its amazing to see that after a year, things are finally getting there. Finally.

At least I hope this is the case.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Monday morning once again. I am back at it, as I tend to be on Monday mornings. I am pretty much exhausted at this point. It was a long, stressful weekend. I wish it was a long relaxing weekend, but it was not. I could use one of those, but I am not expecting it until Jason and I get away again to go to Kansas City. Then there will not be any pressure on us to try and get things done, I don't have to worry about going to rehearsal.

Friday, September 25, 2009

It's Friday. Jason comes back home today. I cannot wait to see him tonight. I know he misses me (he told me yesterday), and I admittedly miss him too, but I really do feel better after yesterday.

He called me when I was at rehearsal last night. When I am the slightest bit disinterested, he tries very hard to get my attention back on him. I kind of enjoy it. It is like him jumping up and down screaming, "hey, I'm over here! Look at me!" It makes me giggle thinking about it.

I just got back from having lunch with Kaitlin (my coworker) and a few mutual friends that we have. It was nice. I also stopped on the way over there to pick up tickets to see rent. Jason and I are going the thursday of when its here...

Thursday, September 24, 2009

I very nearly had a panic attack this morning. And then I asked the question that I needed to ask. I got the balls to do it. I asked Jason if we were going to break up if he moves away. He told me that he did care about me too much for that to be a reason to break up. Then he added a teasing bit saying, "it's not like there are any girls in Lafayette anyway." Ass. But now I feel better.

I needed to hear it and I needed to know that he felt the same way that I did so I could take a deep breath and realize that everything was going to be ok.

I mean, it still sucks a lot that he might be moving, but to know that I am not get dumped as a result helps a lot.

I guess we'll see what happens. He should be finding out pretty soon what is going on with the job. I want him to get it because I know it will be good for his career. I don't want him to get it because it means he'll be leaving me for at least a year. And that sucks.

So I am settled in with my new team. I am sitting on the other side of the office now, and I have my desk all arranged the way that I want it. I have been pretty busy all day, and I went and had lunch with the two women that I will be working with more often than any others. Things have been good for day one on the team. Its quiet, but for the first time, this white noise machine seems to be really nice. It is humming right above my head, and I kind of like it. It seems to keep my head in the game where it needs to be.

I am drinking less coffee because I have managed to switch to decaf tea in the afternoon. I just like to drink hot things as it is way too cold in here. It is so cold that when I made my first cup of tea, my brain thought "I should dump this on myself, it would feel good." What the heck kind of person thinks that?

Well, I should work solidly for the last hour and a half-ish of the day. So, signing out.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

I want to write today. I want to do nothing BUT write today. Well, that, and go to yoga, as it is my first class at work today. I think it is pretty sweet that we get to take a yoga class over lunch. How many other accounting/law firms can say that they do that? We are paying for it ourselves, but we are paying $2 per class and we get twelve classes.

Naturally, the day is not turning out like that at all. I got a call from Debbie with MCP needing tax help. Naturally, I agreed to give her a hand. So that is how I have pretty much spent my entire morning. I feel like I can probably chalk it up as "professional reading" since it was tax work, and tax work relating to the 990, which is what I will be working on a lot going forward on my NEXT new team.

Okay, so here in a few minutes I will be leaving to go and change to get ready for my yoga class. This will be the first actual class I have ever taken, as whenever I have done it before it was with a TV guy or something. A workout video maybe.

Ok, I am back from my yoga class now. It was fun and a bit interesting. I am not sure how I felt about it exactly. It was nice to get out of the office and do something else for a little while, we did 50 minutes of poses and then a 10 minute meditation.

Well, I am all moved in at my latest, greatest new cube. So far, so good. It didn't take too long to get packed up and move over here. So I am all set up across the office, as part of the NFP team, and getting ready to take on whatever new things may come. We'll see how this all goes. I am happy to be here as of right now. We will see what all of these guys are like, and how I feel about being here after a few weeks, but as of right now, things are pretty good! The people all seem to be pretty cool, even though I have really only worked with one of the co-ops (she used to be MY co-op) and the two tax people, since they have been giving me work all summer.


Tuesday, September 22, 2009

I am beginning to wonder if that was one of those things said to appease me. Ha. I don't know. He's being a pain in the arse. I guess that is par for the course in our relationship.

I am getting to that scary panicky point that I sometimes get to. I hate that crap. I hate that sometimes I get like that and I feel like that. It is... indescribable for me. I hate the fact that this happens to me every once in a while. I just took my little magical pill that sometimes gets me to calm down (oh, valium, how I love thee).

Deep breath... Its all good.

Monday, September 21, 2009

I am making a HUGE change to my life. I am going to break a habit that I have had since I was a little girl. It has been rather self-destructive for me, as it keeps my confidence from being what it should. Its disgusting, but... I pick scabs. Because I have always done this, my arms and legs are full of scars. So today is day 1. Neosporin and telling myself not to do it (as well as Mederma for the ones that I already have) are going to be key products for me.

I really want to stop this. I am goingto defeat this once and for all!

Crap. I was just sitting over in someone else's cube, and I ripped one off while we were talking. Do over. Starting fresh. I can DO THIS!

I think the meeting that I had with Lisa (NEW Lisa, not the one I have talked about before a lot, but Lisa on my NEW team) was really productive this morning. She taught me a lot, plus we got to talk a lot, which was good because we are getting to know each other. If I am going to be working with her a lot more often, it is probably good for the two of us to spend time talking to each other and getting to know each other. It makes working together a lot easier!

Jason and I are doing well. I am getting to the freak out point about whether or not he is going to be moving to Indiana as it is looking more and more likely every single day, which is enough to CRUSH me. He says he will not forget about me, and also that we'll go to Europe on vacation if he does move, but that does not completely shake my worry. It still stresses me out on the day-to-day stuff that I sometimes feel like I need him for. For instance, just getting a hug from him. That is one of those things that you just NEED when you are having a bad day. A hug from someone you love.

Speaking of love...

Jason has said that he loves me. Not just in the "I love you" sort of way when we kiss goodbye or something, but in the "well, I love you, isn't that enough?" teasing sort of way. But I will take it. He also has said something along the lines of "I just try and be a good boyfriend, take care of you and stuff, and then you're mean to me." Again, he is teasing, but it cracks me up. And I will take what I can get, as I know it is true!

He makes me insanely happy. And I think he finally might be moving on from all of the drama of his past. I suppose that maybe we might finally be able to be in a REAL relationship. After doing this on and off thing for a year, we might finally be able to just BE. Be together. At least, I feel like that is finally the direction that things are going in. I have wanted it to feel like this for a year now.

Now I just have to cross my fingers that he goes with the flow as well instead of getting scared and freaking out.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

100 posts. Today.

I want to be in bed with Jason. Now.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Another day, and another time of writing in this silly little book. Well, book like object, since it is actually online.

Speaking of books, Lisa is right, I definitely need to get back at the writing thing. I DEFINITELY have an interesting story to tell, as planned, and I truly should be getting at it and writing it more often, as it is something neat, I think. I wonder if things with J and I work out, how he will take being published if that was ever to happen. I guess I keep writing as I have been writing, and wait and see. I can always go and change the names. In fact, I will have to change the names, and I might even write under a pen name myself.

I am going to try and write at least 1 page every day. Maybe once we get into the november novel month or whatever, I will try to pump out more than that. I am starting to get to the point where I might have to pull out some old journals to recall what was going on in my life at any given time. After all, there is 4 years of Jon and I, and absolutely no way to recall all of that. It was 4 years of ups and downs? Hell, I want to dedicate at least an entire chapter to that relationship, as it was the longest I have ever been in, and therefore there should be a lot to say about it.

I am trying to be semi-productive at work today, even though I do not have a lot left to do. I know that there are things here that I need to get done, and things that I should be doing, but it is really hard to motivate myself, knowing that I have next to nothing to do. I am trying though. Trying to get at least one thing done every day.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

All right. Another day down, and it was a big one because it was crazy with lots of running around. But, I got through it, and maybe I am a better woman for it? I hope so. Not only that, but now all of my September 15 work is done. Yes, I know that is today, but I am still pleased to have everything off of my desk now. It is AWESOME.

I have a few things due on October 15, but I have decided to relax a little more today, and get those things done starting tomorrow. I deserve a day to relax. So today is going to be that day. I am going to spend the duration doing nothing. I am just going to relax, sit around, blog, etc. Basically I am going to spend the entire day slacking off.

Then tomorrow I am going to get back at it!

Well, I might as well do a few things today and get them off my plate as things come in. I might as well try and keep at it, and get through things (and be billable!)

I crossed two more things off my list. It is not even 11:30 yet, so admittedly, I am pleased with me. Considering my morning started off a little rough, getting up around 5:15 to go to spinning with Katie, leaving my pills, purse and computer at Jason's and therefore rushing around to try and get it done. Well, I got back to J's and got what I needed to get and am therefore much more calm now. And I am even more calm now that I have several things that were on my list completed.

I naturally still have a few more things that I would like to accomplish today (for instance, I need to get a passport photo taken), but I have made a decent dent in things.

I went and got my photo taken when I went out to get something for lunch, so I am pleased to have that crossed off my list. Now I need to find my birth certificate and actually go and apply for the passport itself. Jason told me that if he moves away, he is going to take me to Europe next summer to appease me. I think he is going to take me to Europe anyway. That kind of lit the fire under my butt about taking care of these things, and so the picture is done. Now I have to find the copy of my birth certificate that my mom got for me so I can take that to the post office and apply for the passport!

Yay for Europe!

Monday, September 14, 2009

Well, another weekend has come and gone. Luckily for me, the next one will come even more quickly than the last one! I am quite excited about it. Back to Toledo, again, which I am getting kind of tired of, but whatever. It is something that J and I are sharing, which always makes me happy. :)

I am seeing him again tonight. He wants to watch football.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Friday, September 11, 2009

Friday. I have been waiting for Friday all week long. Jason and I have plans tonight and tomorrow night as well. I am afraid that I might be monopolizing his time, which is one of those things that causes him to freak out. I hate that these things are his idea, and yet he gets upset (during his freakouts) and is all "I need space" etc. I would have been more than willing to let him go out with his friends tonight, and I would go out with mine, and all of that would be fine. Grr to him, I say.

I just don't like that he gets so flustered with me sometimes, when a lot of times things are not entirely my fault. After all, especially this time around, it is he who is getting closer to ME!

Oh well, I guess I just need to take things as they come, play this game the way that he seems to like to play it. I hate calling this a game, but that is definitely what it is, unfortunately. I mean, if I let him come to me instead of pursuing him, he always comes, every single time. If that is not a game, I don't know what is. I don't think he sees it as such, however. He is cut from a different cloth, that is for certain.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Thursday. Can't wait for tomorrow.

J and I are planning a trip to Vegas. Looks like the second weekend in November. I am EXCITED for that.

Things are staying on the up and up!
Thursday. Can't wait for tomorrow.

J and I are planning a trip to Vegas. Looks like the second weekend in November. I am EXCITED for that.

Things are staying on the up and up!

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

After yesterday's entry of pseudo-substance, I feel slightly better about my ability to still write. I was beginning to question it will all of my flakey entries about love and garbage like that. I am a writer, dammit. I want to write things of substance. Why is it that when my life sucks, I write things of much better quality.

I am just stressed out I think. Work has been difficult lately as there is a lot going on.

I am getting worried about work. My brain is hurting and I cannot seem to do anything right today. I am getting super stressed about it, which is only making things worse and making it harder for me to get anything done. It is making me make stupid and costly mistakes which is a nightmare for me because then I see something and I am like "Why did I do that that way? That does not even make sense!"

And the unfortunately part about that is that it is happening with a manager that I have not really worked with before. Luckily, I did one other return with her last week, and it had no changes to it. It went directly to Rich. So that was something good. But still, I hate making such a fool of myself.

I am hanging with J tonight.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

I am going to try to write a slightly more "real" entry, one with a little bit more substance than the other ones that I have written over the last few days. It really is theraputic for me to get things down on "paper", and so I really should take better care to do it.

The weekend was really good. I am not sure how to say it other than that. I cried briefly in Morgan's room (where I was sleeping) during Bruce and Michelle's party to Bruce. I am not even entirely sure why I was crying. But I was sitting next to him on the bed with tears running down my face. He was reassuring me over and over that J loves me and it is obvious to everyone that he does. I just feel like I need the security of a REAL relationship. I guess I am in one though? I just don't know what it is.

Bruce seems confident that we'll end up together. At least, in the long run. Its the current state of our relationship that I am having a hard time wrapping my head around and understanding. I guess I just have to go with it as is though, and just keep hoping for the best.

I did make my mom's twisties for the party though. They were quite the hit! I was excited to share something that my family loves with Jason's family because they are important to me, and someday I would like them to be a part of my family too.

I started my Christmas shopping already. Mostly just for J at this point. But still, it is good to have taken a step in the right direction as far as getting that stuff done! I always feel more accomplished when I am getting things squared away.

I should add that to my list. Create Christmas gift spreadsheet.

Crap. I was going to register for two sections of the CPA exam so I could cross that off my list, but they only take Visa or Mastercard, which means I cannot do that until the 15th (next Monday, I think) at the earliest. Damn damn damn. I really want to pass 2 sections by the new year. That is my goal. And I would LOVE to be done by next fall. Not sure how likely that is, but I would LOVE it. I am really hoping that after paying all of my bills for the 15th I have enough money leftover to at least get one NTS for 1 exam taken care of.

Monday, September 7, 2009

Wow. Is this really possible? Could what I have always wanted actually be right here next to me, finally? God, I love him.

Please god, help me. Help me to have him, to have us, to have what I really want.
Wow. Is this really possible? Could what I have always wanted actually be right here next to me, finally? God, I love him.

Please god, help me. Help me to have him, to have us, to have what I really want.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Sunday. We're back in the 'nati. The party was good. I cried a little to Bruce. He told me not to worry, Jason is over Jen. I have faith. I am just tired of all of the garbage. He said that J is a Nickles, this is how it is. Damn...

However it is good to know that it isn't just me, and that he does love me.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Saturday, and I am in Toledo. I just made dessert for going to Bruce's later. I am really quite pleased with how well it went. I think Jason will be excited and maybe even a little (dare I say it?) proud.

We'll see how the rest of the weekend goes.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Friday. We go home tonight. We see Bruce and Michelle tomorrow afternoon. I am excited to see what the hell they had to say to Jason last time we were home that changed things so much. I don't want to jinx things though... Maybe I should just not believe in that, and then it won't happen?

We're leaving at three.

I went to cornhole with Jason last night, and got to see Lindsay for the first time since we got back together. That was fun. Its almost like he is no longer caring about things. And by that, I mean, I feel like things are getting there with this getting over Jen thing.

God, I hope so.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Today is a little bit slower of a day, I hope. I am trying hard to get things done and to try and make life happen, but I am a little bit more tired today than I have been. Maybe this "limited coffee" thing is lame. Well, I knew it was lame, but maybe it is more lame than even I thought! I ended up drinking another cup. Whoops.

Everyone is getting all fired up on facebook about the healthcare stuff. It is one of those times when I am glad that Jason and I have the same (or at least very similar) political views. Something like this seems to really tear people apart!

We're coming in to Toledo tomorrow for a party at Bruce & Michelle's on Saturday. We'll see how it goes...

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

I am having another happy morning. I am beginning to think that something might be wrong with me because of how many good mornings I have had in a row! I hope that didn't just jinx me *knock on wood*

Shirley came over here as I was writing. That woman completely cracks me up. She said, as I was updating, "I don't care what you do. I just like to see what everyone else is up to." I love her. I am doing a few things for her right now. I am getting rather confused. He has losses to take the basis of something that has a high income amount.

Ok, I talked to Shirley and have that fixed now. Yahoo!

Moving on, back to work on a 990. I am staying busy these days, which is awesome. Earlier in the summer I was not busy at all. I guess it just took Julie to help me out, and now I am moving in the direction that I want to move. Yahoo.

Okay. Work now.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Jason misses me, I think. That makes me happy. He has been messaging me pretty consistently all day if he doesn't hear from me for a while. Admittedly, I like it. I am trying hard not to message him very often, hoping that he'll respond to me. I know how he is. If I give him the space that he wants, he'll come running to me. Its stupid, but we still are playing games after nearly a year of this garbage.

But at least I know the rules this time around, and I have gotten used to the game. I am proud of myself for that.

Well, I am slammed at work. I should get back to it!