Wednesday, October 21, 2009

I'm stressed.
No word.
Always waiting.
Always wondering...

Efff...

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

No word on Jason's job yet. I have been holding onto my "worry stone" and wishing I had my "believe" necklace (I left it at my mom's house the last time I was there). Something (anything!) about luck.

Friday I am headed to Toledo. I cannot wait, because it is time for our annual girls in Frankenmuth trip. I love going there. It has not been determined yet if Jason is coming to Toledo with me or not, but because I will not be around at all on Saturday (that's when we are going) I am not sure that I really care a whole lot.

So the trip is my mom, my sister, my Aunt Laurie, my cousin Megan, and myself. We were actually able to plan it a little bit in advance this year, which is pretty unusual for us, and it has managed to not fall apart, which is a HUGE deal. We tend to suck at plans as a general rule.

I am starting to work myself into a panic. That is bad. Of course it is all about Jason and the things that are going on there. The job, etc. I have to stop, I have to stop, I have to calm down. Breathe, Em, breathe.

I have to get a handle on myself. I sound ridiculous. I sound obsessed. I am over being "that girl". I have done so well for the last few months at leaving that crazy part of me behind. I have to keep it up. I have to forget the drama of our past, forget the potential drama of our future, and keep living my life. I want to be a successful life-liver. Hell, I want to be a success in general. I want to be successful in everything that I do.

Wow. This is starting to sound a little bit mania driven, and I had been able to break away from that for a while. So it is a little bit stressful that I have been doing well for a while, and then something that MIGHT happen is very traumatic for me, and it is really throwing me off. It is stressing me out, making my heart race, and making me want to cry almost all the time. I really hate these things. I hate living with everything up in the air.

I know it has only been six months since we got back together. I know it has only been a year since we started seeing each other in the first place, but the thing is, it HAS to be going somewhere because damn it, if it wasn't, why would we be back together after everything that we have been through. Life for the two of us in a relationship has been so stressful that I have once in a while questioned what I was doing with him, why was I still with him, or why was I waiting for him to figure it out.

And here, in some small way, he seems to have figured it out. At least, he appears to be on his way to realizing that he needs to not screw this up. We have been screwed up way too many times to make this work anymore if things get messed up again. That is a decision that I have already made. I will not be getting back together with him again if we break up. If we break up this time, it is over.

God. Why am I talking like that? Why am I even thinking that way? It is most likely because I am in such a state over this moving, etc. I am just stressed out. I want to go for a run, right now. God damn it.

Friday, October 16, 2009

I wrote yesterday, but I actually wrote in my paper journal. It was the first time I had gotten it out since July and so much has happened since then. I wonder if I could somehow piece everything together. Although I leave one or the other or the next alone for awhile, I am always writing. I mean, I would be willing to put money on the fact that there are very few holes. But that would take a lot of work. I think one of these days I will get myself an external hard drive (it is on my list of 101 things after all!) so I can put all of my pictures, music, and downloaded versions of my journals on it. Maybe then at some point I will be able to go through all of the files and get some kind of complete order to my life.

Hmm... maybe that would be something good to do to get my memoir all written. I am missing a paper journal or two around as a result of some ex boyfriends that I was trying to sell my soul to. Gah. I should probably mention that part in the memoir since that is where so much of my information is going to be coming from.

I got a little behind on the novel writing last night because I was a little distracted when I was at work, and then I spent most of my rehearsal onstage, so I didn't get to write then either. I started to, but it was in a separate word document because I forgot my thumb drive. That was a little frustrating.

Jason's interview is today. I am REALLY internally freaking out about it, but I am trying desperately to distract myself from it so I don't have to think about it. I am sure he is going to want to talk about it, and so I am going to have to maintain composure and listen (and not play Ella and have to excuse myself from the table to go and cry).

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

I am writing again. I am trying to do the November novel thing. I am not exactly writing a novel, it is more a semi-fictional account of how I am feeling about this Jason moving situation. So it is not completely untrue, however, I am not sure how accurate it is going to be, since I don't even know how that situation is going to turn out at this point.

I am starting to work on an outline and stuff now, so once November starts I will be able to dive in and write. I always have the best of intentions going into this, and then run out of things to say about 5 days in. And then I just give up. This year I am determined to get all the way through the 50,000 words or whatever it is, and have a real product to show for it.

Jason and I are getting together tonight. We are going to make tacos for dinner and just have a relaxing evening at home. I am trying to remain calm about what is coming on Friday, which has been really tough for me. I am obviously not all that calm about it considering I am going to be writing my first novel on the subject, as well as it is all I can talk about here lately. I am embarrassed about the "praying to God daily that he doesn't get it" thing. It is embarrassing and I am not sure how he will be if he doesn't get it. I have no idea what kind of toll that will take on his attitude.

I am trying not to worry too much about that yet. I mean, we don't know. We don't know. I have to keep repeating that to myself over and over and over. Not that the repetition is really helping me in any way, but I feel like maybe, just maybe, I will be able to convince myself of it sometime before Friday. However, I am still praying that he doesn't get it, because I am apparently terrible like that. I know, I know, I am beginning to get repetitious even in my writing. I hate that.

So I have yoga at lunch today. This is the 4th class we have had. I am really enjoying it, and it is really relaxing to me. It helps me to get through the afternoon on Wednesdays a lot more easily.

Work is good, busy, but good. I have a deadline this week, and another in a month. I worked late last night, which was really stressful, but hey, I gotta get it done, right?

The family is... dramatic, as always. I am just ready for that part of my life to calm down, so I don't have that extra thing on my brain bugging me all the time. I am not sure when (or even IF) that'll relax, but I am trying to take all of it in stride.

I was supposed to walk in the Making Strides against Breast Cancer walk this past Sunday, but because I was out of town, I did not. However, I feel like this isn't that big of a deal because they still got my money, right? And Kansas City was definitely the more interesting/fun and maybe even important (considering my relationship) decision.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

I have been really sucky at trying to get everything written in every day. All I have to do here is one month. I can't get more than 6 or 7 days! Gah! And I really am trying hard. So boo hiss. I was going to try and remember to blog from my cell this weekend, but I completely forgot. Oh well. I guess I start my ass over today. Grrr...

Its lunchtime. I sent J a message about a half hour ago, and I haven't heard from him. In fact, I have not heard from him all day which is enough to stress me out COMPLETELY. I get that its stupid, but honestly, I cannot help it. I am so afraid of this job out of town thing, that most things are stressing me out more than they should right now. GAH!

Kansas City this past weekend was a great time. It was a long drive (about 8 hours) but it could have been worse. I got to meet Jason's uncle (his second favorite after Bruce) as well as the whole gang that he goes out there to golf with a few times a year. They all seemed really nice, and I had a good time with them. They all also seemed to think Jason really likes me a lot. I figured that he must like me because when I got there, they all knew who I was! There is something to be said for that.

I got to go to my first ever professional football game. It was really great. Tailgating was fun. It was freezing, but I really had fun.

Now if only we could work out this long distance thing, however it is going to happen. :(

Friday, October 9, 2009

Sometimes I wonder why I am not invited. It frustrates me. Basically I am talking about a facebook group that alot of my high school friends (Jason included) are in, but I was not invited. Super lame, says I. Okay, as it turns out (now that I look more closely) only three of my high school friends are in it, plus the group's creator, so 4. I feel a little better.

We leave tonight for KC. I am pretty excited about the whole thing. Once I got to his house last night, things were good. He seemed kind of moody when I called him after my game last night. So I admittedly was worried that he was flaking out about something, as he tends to do that, and I really do not want him to do that anymore, ever. We have done that way too many times now for it to happen again. If it does happen again, I am done. I just cannot do it anymore.

I should not be talking like that or thinking like that. Not right now, anyway. Not when things are going well!

I got (and by got, I mean "ordered") Jason's Christmas gift yesterday. I emailed Scott Dewey, who is a friend of Bruce and Michelle's, and asked him if he would make cornhole boards for Jason. I think it is the perfect gift, and I am so excited to give them to him, because I think he will LOVE them. Hopefully he does love them as much as I think he will. I am getting them for a really good price, I think, and so I am excited about it. I'll be saving some $$ on them, which is great, and I think he will really like it, which makes it the perfect thing!

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Tomorrow we leave. I cannot wait to have a day off, even though we are going to be travelling on it, almost entirely. I can't wait to be back in St. Louis, back where there is magic.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Okay, I got through Wednesday. I got through the Tiger's game last night, only crying a little. Jason took me out last night to BW3 so I could watch the game there. We had a good time and maybe we drank too much, but it happens.

It was a good time even though they lost. I am really really bummed out about it, but I am still glad that I got to go and see them. I would have loved if they won though, with Jason and Chris there would have been a decent opportunity for me to get to go to a playoff game or something. But damn. Not happening.

I felt like I got absolutely nothing done at work today. It was SO FRUSTRATING to me to feel that way. It was so stressful.

I think that this new thing is beginning to get to me. I still think its a good change, but it is very stressful.

I love Jason. Very much. I am excited for our trip to Kansas City. I am excited to meet more of his family. I am excited for this step. I am praying that we keep moving, that things continue to move forward. I truly am praying.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Tuesday. I have plans with J tonight. We are going to go to BW3 to watch the Tigers game. I REALLY hope that they win.

Also, I wanted to be at this seminar today and it looks like there is pretty much no way that it is going to happen. I feel completely slammed today, and like there is pretty much no way that I am going to get out of here at any time that would be considered reasonable to be able to get things done. It is currently 12:30 pm. I have a training at 1 pm. It lasts until 3. It would then take me 15 minutes to get down there. So I would be down there by 3:15 or 3:30 at the earliest. Its over at 4:30/5 anyway. It just does not seem worth it. I have been looking forward to it for weeks!

Jason's cousin Chris and his fiancee came to town last night. They didn't get in until 11, and by then we were completely wiped out. It was kind of a bummer, honestly, because we do have fun with them when we get a chance to spend time with them (unless everyone is drunk, then it can get bad!)

Monday, October 5, 2009

I feel like it has been quite a while since I wrote anything of substance here. Its just been hard. I have been updating my blogger account when I am feeling panicky - I created that one simply for the racing and ridiculous run-on sentences that spring into my mind when I feel like I am going to panic. I just know that those things are ridiculous to read when I am not in that strange state of mental distress, so I would hate for anyone else to read it. It has been a really good outlet for me over the last few months. It has helped me from getting into a screaming/yelling/crying state that has seemed to very often accompany my feelings in that time.

So yeah, that has been getting some of my substance entries as well.

Nothing yet on the potential move, other than the fact that he will be interviewing there on October 16. I am not a fan. Everyone, I vote no on this issue. Sigh. Its not my choice, however. I have made my opinion known, and loudly, when it comes up, but generally I have been attempting to keep my mouth shut, even though it is difficult. I just want things to work out.

I am thrilled to know that we are going to do the long distance thing. I am happy that he thinks of me when we're apart. He'll send flowers to my office (psst... I got flowers at the office last week!) But still, I guess where I am stressing is how far forward can you move when you are apart. I am 26. That is nothing to sneeze at. But because I am 26, I am no longer interested in relationships that are going no where. I don't feel like we are going nowhere, but at the same time, won't it be hard to go somewhere when we're so far apart for a while? I guess the thing is, I will have to mention this.

I feel like at some point, if things are still going well, I am going to have to move. I have no idea when, but I especially have no idea how to bring this up. We are going to have to be ready to live together at that point. I certainly will not be able to afford a place of my own at that point, because I would have to leave my job, at least on some kind of leave of absence (if they would let me do that!) and I could not make enough money as a waitress or bartender to completely support myself. He will be making PLENTY of money if he gets this job though, so as long as we can work it out, I am not too worried. He would help me, I would like to think.

But that is beside the point right now. I don't even know how to tell him what I am thinking about this right now. I mean, it is probably one of those things that will just happen naturally, and I probably shouldn't bring it up because he is the man who freaks out over things. *sigh* That makes me crazy. I guess eventually (hopefully) he'll get through that and get over it, but I am not sure how long that will take.

We're off to Kansas City this weekend. I will be meeting his Uncle Tim for the first time. I am not sure if this is a big thing or not. I mean, several girlfriends have met him, I think, but he has been telling me for the last year that Tim wanted to meet me because I am pretty special. Jen, Amanda and I are the only girlfriends who have been in this situation though where we go out there and spend time with the family. Well, Jocelyn probably, but she is the ex-wife! And her situation is a completely different game, I think.

The whole thing is stressing me out. I am once again to that point where I want to know what is going on and what is going to happen. I know, I know. No one knows the answers to those things right now. I don't, Jason probably doesn't. But in my head, I really want to save myself a lot of long-term heartache if this is not the right thing. I mean, I told Shannon just yesterday (see? I am trying really hard to make friends in this show!) that, yes, I do think he is the one. And after all that we have been through, there must be some kind of very important reason that we keep coming back to each other, over and over again. Right? Does anyone else out there see that the way that I do? (Yes, I am seeking reassurance that I am not being stupid with all of this.)

This is the majority of my life right now. Jason and rehearsals. That is about it. I try and see him as often as possible. Especially because I am not sure how often he is going to be around if he gets this job. I have no idea how often I will get to see him. It is very stressful and worrisome that things might change for us just when things are getting back to normal. I know that I am in love with him. I also know that I believe he is in the same place that he was a year ago. That he could very easily fall in love with me. Naturally, I have no definitive proof of that, but the way that he has been acting. I think things are different now. Carol said that he seems more stable to her than he has in a long time. Meaning, pretty much since she met him last winter.

God let me talk about something else? Why is this so all consuming? I hope that once we know what is going to happen, if he is going to move, my life will be able to better fall into place where it is supposed to be.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

I hate Sundays. They are my worst day for mood.

I worry way too much, I think. God, I hate myself for it.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

So... I am head over heels in love with him. There is absolutely nothing that I can do to change how I am feeling about him. I am heartbroken that he could even consider moving. Heartbroken. I mean... I have no control over it, but I am heartbroken. We aren't breaking up, but I am still completely broken over it. Broken.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Damn damn damn. I did not write yesterday, which means I have to start that count over AGAIN. I was really close the first time around, and have only gotten 2 or 3 days since then. Damn damn damn.

Jason seems to be of the opinion this morning that when life hands you lemons, you should squirt them in the eye. I felt like that meant something had happened, and kind of drilled him on it. I feel bad for drilling him, but I cannot help the worry. I mean, admittedly, my immediate thought was that Jen had called. God, if I ever hated anyone, it is her. However, I got off the phone with him at 11 pm and he was already in bed. And then this message about lemons was around 6:30 am. So I am truly hoping he is just in a mood today (as he tends to get that way sometimes), as he insisted it was. I couldn't stand the thought of her getting in my way right as things are finally the way that they should have been a year ago!

So world, keep your fingers crossed, just as I am.

No word yet on whether the move to Lafayette is happening. He is interviewing there officially on October 16. I have mixed feelings about it. It means a big raise, a great opportunity for his career, etc, etc, but it means he will be leaving me for two years-ish. I hate that too. It has been determined that we are not going to break up just because he is moving away, but two years is a long time to have a weekend relationship. I mean, we have both admitted to missing each other after 3 days! I am just not sure how we'll get along with once per week, or even once every two weeks!

Its going to stress me out. At some point, I feel like I am going to have to say, if this is still working after xxx amount of time, we should consider me moving out there. I mean, how long should you be with someone when you are 26 and 28 (soon to be 29?) before you make things permanent? I mean, we have been together for 6 months, and we have been on and off (more on) for the last year, so I am not sure on those things. I know that you do not need to do the "be together for at least 4 years" thing once you get to our ages, as you are done developing into who you will become at that point. That was some insight that I received from my therapist. It helps to know that, but I am still not sure how and when that will apply to me.

I wish he would cheer up. I love happy Jason.