Thursday, June 30, 2011
One thing to be said for this breakdown. I did not cry. I sat there and typed and felt like an absolutely loon with my brain running a million miles a minute, but I did not cry.
So, yes, I am a gal with diagnosed bipolar disorder who does well these days with eating well and exercise to monitor myself and minimal medicine. I do take a pill for it daily, but this is a million times better than the handful that I was taking when I was first diagnosed! Now my handful is various vitamins, etc. Steps in the right direction, right?
I ran this morning and lifted heavy at lunch time. I feel pretty good. It is my last run before the race on Monday. I did 4.85 miles. I thought seriously about pushing and going 6, but then I got nervous that I would be too worn to get through my leg day tomorrow and still feel it on Monday morning! I am really getting excited for the race though, and even if Joe (my friend who was planning on running it too) doesn't do it (I seem to be having trouble getting in touch with him over the last two days!) I am excited to do it. It's not like we would be running it together anyway. I mean, he has actually done a 10K before!
I have come to the realization after a conversation yesterday over lunch with Tom that I have some things to figure out. He asked when the competition was. I told him November. He responded with "you'll hopefully be done with the exam at Thanksgiving and you'll be married in less than two months." I smile and look at him as I am not yet knowing where this is going. He says "then what?" And I gotta be honest, that might have started that strange spiral of out of control last night. I am not sure... But he's right. Then what?
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
I am having a bad bad night. I was doing so well during the day today, and now I feel like I fat cow. I know I know, I shouldn't talk so bad about myself. It is just that I had dinner ALL PLANNED out. And I even cooked what I planned. However, I also ate 5 fortune cookies (please see facebook for my rockin' fortune though!), a boatload of banana chips, and three spoonfuls of ice cream (BIG spoonfuls). Yes, this doesn't sound too awful. I understand that. But this is also AFTER bws on Monday night where I outright made up what I ate so I could eat whatever and tell my coach I was ON macro. God, I am WASTING my money here, aren't I?
I am drinking diet coke like a fanatic. I had almost cut it out completely a few weeks back, and now my desire to drink it ALL THE TIME is back with a vengence. I had 4 today! 4! That is just outta control ridiculous. I had 2 diet cokes, a diet pepsi (at lunch) and a cherry coke zero. WTF? I am so andgry and frustrated with myself for allowing this to happen.
I am stressed out about the wedding. I hate "maintenance" calories. I want a day where I can simply drink protein shakes and eat apples and that is ALL, just to feel better about myself and my willpower. Or protein shakes and wine. Hmmm... Lol. Maybe I am torturing myself. Well, I know I am. And I know that eating that way is not correct in ANY way. Not anymore. But I still am kind of craving it. I know that I cannot build muscle and get stronger and get that bikini model look eating like that, but damn it, I feel so helpless and weak at the moment.
And I am trying to study for my exam. In fact, I am supposed to be studying but instead I am blogging. Studying is not going well, in case you were wondering. I don't have focus. And then, because of that, I start answering questions wrong. And because of that, I lose even MORE focus. Its a horrible horrible cycle that I am presently caught up in. And I am so nervous about not passing this time. I have taken this particular section 2 other times and have not managed to pass. So I am trying REALLY hard this time. J says I am trying too hard and focusing too much on each individual question. But I think that is because I didn't try hard enough those other times.
Part of me is just willing to go with and stick to the "shitty test taker" theory. I know that I might be one. The tests are too long for me. I get bored after like a half hour, lose focus, and then I cannot regain it enough to sit through a 4 hour exam. Hell, I just did two more questions and then had to come back to this!
Today at lunch, Tom asked me what I am doing. Meaning, in November, my contest will be over, hopefully the exam will be over, and I'll be married. Then what am I going to do to occupy my time. Honestly, I was stumped. I mean, maybe I will compete again, but honestly I am not sure. Hell, as of now, I am not sure I am going to compete at all! The show I picked is less than 6 months away and there is not even any additional information available yet outside of the date of the show and the fact that it is in Louisville! How frustrated am I?
Actually - I just checked out the facebook page. Apparently the website will be updated very soon. Thank goodness. I was really starting to freak!
Anyway - he's right. I don't know what happens after all of these things are done. Is that an underlying "fail your exam" thing that is going on? God, I hope not. I need this. I need to pass one of these exams so I feel like I can actually do it. I have been "an accountant" for 6 years now, and have VERY little to actually show for it. Part of me doesn't even care, but the other part of me, the part that hates the fact that she is J's simple life who just goes on day to day trying to stay as happy as possible and look at the bright side, lalala, etc etc, needs some kind of career justification and as an accountant, this is it! Being a CPA is where its at.
I needed to stop the studying for the night. It was just getting overwhelming. I think that I have learned that when I am not doing well at it, I just need to stop and walk away.
How come right now lists are not helping me? Normally it is the lists that keep me sane and make me feel like I have everything together. For some reason, right now, they are not working. I still feel overwhelmed by all of the wedding things that need to be done. I am overwhelmed trying to figure out how far I am going to run tomorrow morning. I am overwhelmed with the fact that I would like to be at the gym for 2 hours over lunch tomorrow rather than just one hour. I want to do a half hour of simply ab work.
I want to take a deep breath and just KNOW that everything that happens is for some reason (that I am still trying to learn) and that it WILL all be ok in the long run.
*deep breath* now GO.
I think I might use some time today to start browsing hairstyles and make up application for THE day. As of this moment, all that I know is that I want to wear my hair UP. With that slinky sexy dress, that is really the only option. Plus, I can't wear my hair down with as long as it is right now for more than a half hour. I proved that this morning when I pulled it up in a knot about 10 minutes after I got to work. It is just so long right now that it makes me absolutely nuts!
My friend Sara is getting married two weeks from Saturday, and when I asked her if she and her fiance wanted to come over on Sunday, she said that every waking moment that she and Chuck are together is being spent doing wedding stuff. And so I think that has added to my nerves. If she has SO MUCH stuff to do, what do I have to do still?
This morning I started throwing together a rough draft of the program as well as browsing readings, etc. I asked my girlfriends how they wanted their names to be listed and made sure to reflect that. I will ask my sister and the groomsman too, of course, but Leah and Katie are the easiest to reach in the middle of the day! So I have them all up to date in there. I am going to keep playing with fonts and add in additional things as they get figured out, but I am definitely making headway with it.
I guess I am just stressed because I feel like I need to be doing wedding stuff. And in all honesty, I am not even sure what needs doing.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Oh! first number is weight (in lbs), second number is reps, third number is sets. I always do a warm up set, so when there is just two numbers, that's the warm up!
negative chins: bw warm up x 4, bw+10 x 4 x 4
pulldowns: 60 x 10, 85 x 8 x 4
arnold press: 20 x 10, 30 x 10 x 4
rows: 20 x 10, 30 x 10 x 4
lateral raises: 5 x 12 (5 per hand), 8 x 12 x 4
close grip bench press: 45 x 10 x 3
decline skull krushers: 25 x 8 x 3
bicep curls: 30 x 12, 40 x 12, 40 x 6, 30 x 6, 20 x 6, 10 x 6
The 40 lb bicep curls were rough. That was why I did only 1 set of 12 with that weight. Eep! After that I felt better immediately, but still needed to squeeze in a cardio workout in order to do what I was scheduled to do, per the coach. It is tough sometimes because, like yesterday, I was just worn thin. It can be tough to push through workouts when you are so beat. However, I think the extra hour of sleep between 5 and 6 really helped.
After work, I had to do my cardio. I planned on running around 5 miles. But at 5 pm, it was HOT. And my legs were tired. *sigh* that definitely made me feel sad. I ended up going only around 3.42. That made me feel a little bit sad because I have been doing so well with the running lately! Plus, I am hoping to run my very first 10K next Monday. And if my legs are dying after 3 miles, how am I going to manage 6? But as of now, I am still planning on it. Slow or otherwise, I am planning on running 6.2 miles next Monday.
Sounds like Leah will not be joining anymore. Boo. But I suppose it is a holiday. And she has a whole crew of relatives coming over for a cookout on Monday. I think we're doing one on Sunday though. Well, if other folks are interested in coming to it! We'll see how it goes, because so far I am not sure that we can do it, since I have not yet heard if I have a softball game or not. Our original season is over, but because of the rainy spring we had here, we have several make up games going on. You would think no because it is the holiday weekend, but when we played on Sunday it sounded like they wanted us to play on Sunday. But Andy (he is like our team manager) thinks that they forgot about the holiday. *fingers crossed*
Today's workout was also great. Started at 5 am for heavy legs (I call Tuesdays my heavy days because my assigned reps are lower, so I can generally go up a little in weight compared to Fridays - my other leg day). So here is what was in the mix - same rules as above:
Deep squats (want to know what these are? you tube search olympic squats): 45 x 8 x 2, 85 x 8 x 5
straight leg dead lifts - sumo: 20 x 12 x 2, 60 x 12 x 5
45 degree leg press: 90 x 10, 180 x 10 x 4
glute bridges: 20 x 15, 45 x 15 x 4
Bulgarian Split Squats: 10 x 10 (per side), 20 x 10 (per side) x 3
seated calf raises: 25 x 20, 50 x 20 x 3
cable ball crunch: 60 x 20 x 3
The squats just KILL me. But at the same time, I don't know that I could get through them at all if they were later in my workout. So I continue to keep them on the front end of my leg days. On fridays (light days) I do sets of 20! Ugh! I can only do a 65 lb MAX on those. I hit the elliptical at lunchtime for a 45 minute "jog". I also brought my CPA study book in hopes of getting through a little bit more since my exam is coming up in a week and a half!
I am nearing that weird place in strength training where your muscles are kinda unbalanced. Now that is definitely not the best way to put it, but let me explain, and it will make sense. On some exercises, I use dumbbells. The best example is dead lifts. My legs are strong enough for heavier weights, but my forearms and grip are not strong enough. So it is weird, I think. I guess I am going to have to keep working to figure out how to handle this!
Tonight J & I are grilling our dinner. I am really looking forward to trying these buns we bought over the weekend at Dorothy Lane (a market near where we were for the wedding that has an AMAZING bakery!) They are 9 grain buns, all whole grain. Apparently it is the same as J's fave kind of bread! Hopefully they are as good as he remembers them being.
Tomorrow is my HIIT workout! Go Em Go!
Monday, June 27, 2011
Doesn't she look so pretty? She had a wonderful day I think. At least she seemed to. And I did my very best to keep her calm and together for the day. That was my job! Keep Jess breathing and happy. :-) I made a run to kroger after they had been there for about 10 minutes to go and get eyelash glue! I tried to make sure that everything was done and that everything was done when it needed to be so that things ran as smoothly as possible for her on her day. I hope someone can do that for me as well!
Here is J and I at the wedding. This might be one of my fave pictures EVER of us! Looks at my arms! J looks a little sleepy, but he was probably just intoxicated. ;-) I caught the bouquet as well. So that was kinda fun. J got the garter because Mike threw it at him. Apparently we are the next two to get married. I would HOPE so!
I was at the rehearsal to make sure I knew what was going on and where everyone needed to be and when. I listened to the music to make sure that I knew what it was and how they planned on timing things, etc, since I was going to be in charge of sending people down the aisle. She picked beautiful music, unfortunately it was all on a CD. But I guess with an outdoor venue, you do what you can to make things work. This is one of my favorite pictures of her trying to figure out the music.It makes me laugh because I am not sure if you can see it or not, but she has her iphone in her hand. It is playing the song that she is walking in with her dad to. But it makes it look like she can't even put down her phone long enough to walk down the aisle with her dad.
Here is a classic bride and groom shot from the rehearsal:
After the rehearsal was over (they got through things three times and we were done within an hour!) I drove back to our hotel to pick up J. He had to stay at work a little later, so he did not make it to the rehearsal. Not that he had any need to be there anyway. So I called him when I was getting off at the exit and he met me in the parking lot of the Courtyard Marriott. We had two nights there. The first one I booked with a certificate that I had from my Marriott rewards Visa, and the second I got with the room rate for Jess's wedding.
After picking up J we headed to the dinner location which was a party barn! Admittedly, we had no idea what we were getting into when we were on our way there, but it was exactly what it sounded like. A big barn with a disco ball! We had a large catered meal of BBQ. It was delicious. I pretty much stuf to a big plate of pork (all white meat) with a little squeeze of BBQ sauce. I had a small amount of mac and cheese and a glass of wine.
Once that night was over, we went back to the hotel and crashed. We were invited to go and hang out with the groom in his hotel for beers etc, but I was BEAT. Plus I had morning plans to hit the fitness center for a quick 5K run (which I did) and then back to the church by 1 pm.
Here is J and I with the bride & groom at the reception!
Friday, June 24, 2011
Okay - Sparkies - here is my reaction/resolution to the last 6 weeks that I have spent on the Sports Bra Sparkies team that I have been a part of for the last 6 week.
1. Great group of girls, very supportive of each other
2. While having a plan (do this video 5 times per week) is helpful to some who need that kind of structure, it was not great for me. I work out hard all the time every day. Trying to throw that into the mix that often as well was too much. I actually ended up with a majorly painful inflammed muscle in my abs, and pretty much had to stop doing that. So if you have a good thing in place, stick to the plan and be accountable to the team, and you'll do great!
3. I LOVED the weekly food challenges. My diet is the toughest part, so thanks for helping me come up with new ideas.
4. I had success! While there is still room for improvement (there always is!) I definitely am starting to get some cuts in my belly. Yesterday I went to the track to do some sprints and because it was hot and sunny - I wore just my sports bra with my shorts. I felt good. And I got a thumbs up from the older man (like 75!) who was walking on the track. Not sure if it was cause I looked good, or was working hard. Either way, its awesome.
5. I want to be more accountable next time we do this. I want to check in more, etc. I want to post my pictures EVERY WEEK.
My mom's trip here was great. I am so glad that she was here, even though as soon as she left I felt sad and lonely. On Wednesday (bday!) she arrived and we went to a store that has a lot of crafty Halloween and Christmas type things. We love those kind of places, and I need to start finding more of them. She bought me a Halloween ornament as a present. She also brought me a shower gift and bachelorette gift since she was not at the parties last week. For my shower she got me a hydrangea bush. The blue ones. That is the main flower in the wedding. Now I need to get it planted. Hopefully on Sunday! My bachelorette gift was a pair of earrings. They are really pretty and I am wearing them to the wedding tomorrow and then for my own rehearsal dinner, I think.
We also went to Pipkins which is my little market where I buy my produce. I got my stuff, but it wasn't looking that good. I know I know, it is June. It is not apple time. But I LOVE apples, and I eat one every day so I need to have them in my house!
When J got home from work we went out to dinner for my bday and then got ice cream. I had a turkey burger (I swapped out the beef) but had it with blue cheese and bacon and a sweet potato on the side. AMAZING. I love sweet potatoes. It might be a slightly unhealthy obsession (not that sweet potatoes are unhealthy though as they are NOT, but I just love them!) And I also had ice cream from Dairy Queen. Naughty. But delicious!
I opened my presents for my birthday from my family that my mom brought down after dinner. She bought me a (lab-created) sapphire bracelet that matches the necklace I am wearing at the wedding. My brother Joe got me a Justin Verlander t-shirt. He's my Tiger! :)
Yesterday my mommy and I grocery shopped. We went to Jungle Jims which is a HUGE grocery store with all kinds of sections in it with very authentic ethnic grocery items. For instance, there is a hot sauce my coworker brought home from a trip in the Philipines, and they carry it! We also hit up trader joes. They don't have it where my mom lives, so she really likes to go when she visits.
Only 64 days till my wedding!
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
My shower and bachelorette party were so much fun. Consider yourselves lucky to have seen the pictures as I did not post them on facebook since I limited who I was inviting so much and did not want people to be upset about it. I mean, in reality, it was my bridesmaids, family, and 3 close friends. That was it. So I don't want to offend any of my friends that I invited to the shower and NOT to the party, you know? So yeah, you got to see pictures that some of my friends did not see!
I took them all on the brand new camera that I got as a gift from my future mother in law at my first shower. We registered for a camera in order to be able to take awesome pictures on our honeymoon, and I plan on taking full advantage of it even up until then! So we used it at the shower and the bachelorette, I am going to take it to Jess's wedding this weekend, Sara's wedding in July, out to dinner tonight for MY BIRTHDAY with my mommy, etc.
Yes, my mommy. J - as a surprise birthday gift - made arrangements for my mom to get a rental car (she and my brother have been sharing one for the summer) so she could come down here this morning and stay until tomorrow so she could be with me for my birthday! It was about the best birthday surprise I have ever gotten, because I actually had a small breakdown and cry moment on Sunday when I got home from the hotel post-party because my mom couldn't be there. So J surprised me when I got home from class on Monday night with that news.
I got home and went up to bed (it was after 10, and I had a 5 am gym date!) and there were lumps under the covers where I sleep. J was still up playing with his ipad. It is his favorite thing these days. So I pulled back the covers and there was a card with a hot pink envelope and a present wrapped in snowman paper (hey, he does what he can!) He told me I had to open the package first - even though I pretty much already knew what it was! It was a new toy that I asked for. The Garmin Forerunner 405CX. I haven't used it yet, as today was just some treadmill sprint work, but tomorrow Leah is coming to run with me, and we'll both be wearing ours! And in the card was a note that said that my mom was coming for my birthday and that was my surprise present! I am so excited about it.
Workouts have been going well. I am actually on a small maintenance period right now which allows me some extra calories and carbs. So far it is weird and tough. I have just adjusted to "dieting" I guess so adding those things seems so weird to me. But then I will be back at it starting next week for 2 months, then 10 day maintenance for my honeymoon, then we'll be in FULL COMP MODE! Eeeiii!
Have a great day everyone!
Monday, June 20, 2011
Saturday morning, despite the rain, I got up and headed to the track. Apparently the track at the school close to my house is available for workouts as long as there is not an event going on at the stadium. So I walked over there and did my brand new sprint workout recommended by Joe to try and get myself up to speed (possibly literally) with his girls that he can coach in person. It was great doing it in the rain. Kept my from getting horribly sweaty and gross.
And then we all met for dinner a few hours later followed by the wine bar. Here are those pictures!
Friday, June 17, 2011
I took progress pics this morning. So I will be able to post them here today.
day 1, 1 month, 2 months backside shotFront Comparison
Side 1 Comparison
Side 2 Comparison
I think there are definite differences. And the Side 2 pic, I didn't take pics of both sides on Day 1, but have for both month 1 and month 2. So that is why there is only two in that one. :-)
I have had a frustrating morning. I was feeling upset with my MOH and feeling ready to make an adjustment to my wedding party in all honesty. I had been feeling guilty about not asking my sister to play that role in the first place.
I don't know. I am flustered with her, but she is due to give birth in a month and I feel like I shouldn't talk about it. I feel guilty for feeling flustered.
Maybe I just miss my mommy. :-( She isn't far - like three hours away - but that is FOREVER away when you are trying to plan a wedding and you just need your mommy to be around, you know?
Shower #2 + Bachelorette party tomorrow night!
Monday, June 6, 2011
Emily 3 week abs - front Definitely can see some definition coming in there!
And the side. Sorry its a crappy shot. These things happen with phone cameras as I am sure that you all know!
I can definitely see some differences in my front shot. I think the side picture is so crappy you can't see anything. Except the fact that they do seem flat. No bulges there! Wow! I am making some progress.
So anyway. This weekend J and I went to our hometown for my first briday shower. J played golf with two of his uncles while he was there. Obviously, a bridal shower was not the correct place for him! :-) My sister and my Aunt were in charge of it. And we had it at my Aunt's house. It was going to be the combined families, so admittedly I was a little bit nervous about that. J's mom and my mom have met before, but all other family, this would be the first time that they met!
My mom, grandma and I arrived at my Aunt's house around noon on Saturday. My sister was already there. We brought the chocolate covered pretzels that my mom and I had been up late making, as well as some gifts (for me!) and a few other things that were needed. I think my mom made the chicken? Plus the cake (which was from my grandma). We just kind of hung out after we had our food set up until other relatives started arriving around 1. I immediately began to feel uncomfortable (and relieved that my sister decided to have wine) and poured a small glass of red.
Everyone had lunch (menu selected by me!) and that included about 7 different salads, as well as some chicken and pulled pork. You could have them on a little slider bun if you wanted. I just ate mine on the plate though. Once we were done with food, my aunt announced that it was time for gifts. My sister sat in the seat next to me, and my friend Christine got a paper plate (she was going to make my bouquet for my rehearsal).
I got what felt like a TON of gifts! I got a lot of place settings of dishes that we wanted (everyday dishes - we did not want china), a new (bigger) george foreman grill, some cooking/baking things, bathroom stuff for j's man cave bathroom, etc. Overall it was quite the haul!
J and his Uncle showed up as people were leaving, and they loaded up our car so there was less stuff to move! Love it!
Thursday, June 2, 2011
I was asked yesterday how I got about "planning" my meals. To be honest, not as well as I should. Lol.
My main goal right now is to fit into my "allowances". According to the coach, I should be eating as much of my diet in whole foods (versus processed products) as possible. Clean eating, as they say. In general, I do ok with it. The things that I am eating that are not "clean" include granola bars, cereal, and a very few other things. Mostly carbs, but I suppose that is where your processed ingredients are found, right? I am working on it though. Easing them out. Trying to get more carbs from fruits and stuff instead!
I also eat 1500 calories per day. I take in 4 fish oil capsules (the number I take is determined by the DHA & EPA content of each pill). I eat 120 grams of protein (people average 60). I eat 140 grams of carbs (average is probably closer to 200). And I eat around 50 grams of fat (this is probably pretty close to the norm for folks who don't eat fried foods all the time, etc....) Within these restrictions, I eat what I want. I carry bars and baggies of protein powder in my purse all the time just in case. I repeat my lunch between two different things, pretty much all the time. It has become how I live.
As of now, since I am still months away from my competition, I am allowed to drink dry red wine (but I must count the calories and carbs in my daily counts) and I am allowed to cheat meals per week. Normally this is only 1, and its usually pizza or bws, since bws is our favorite.
Also - today was a running day. I ran 5.16 miles OUTSIDE! Last week when I did my 5 miles for the first time I did them on the indoor track. So proud!
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
I am just now finishing up the lunch that I packed for myself. Its pretty much the usual. I did decide that I was going to drink a diet coke along with it though. I figure I drink enough water to wash out any bloat that might come along with the coke.
But since I have class tonight, today's food will be a little bit off from what I would like it to be. I have to do better at the planning stuff once I get used to going to class every week and stuff. I packed some Quest bars to get my protein in, but I know that is not necessarily the best way to do that. Food would be better, of course, but hey. I have just not planned all that well for protein this week. I didn't go to the grocery last weekend, so I don't have any cottage cheese at my house, which is becoming a protein staple!
Today is also a rather hectic day at the office. It is the first day of May close, and so I am working hard to try and get that stuff done. I just want tomorrow and Friday to be easy. I am leaving early on Friday to head to Toledo because Saturday will be my first bridal shower! Admittedly, I am scouring my registry DAILY to see what gifts people have bought so far. Yes, that is terrible, and I honestly do feel a little bit guilty about it, but hey, I am certain that I am not the only bride that does this. I know because I talked to my friend Sara (who is getting married in July) and she does this too!
Friday will be another full body progress picture day. 2 weeks after my last ones! Hard to believe I am there for progress pics already! Hopefully there will be some differences that are notable again this week. Woo hoo!