Friday, September 30, 2011

Friday, finally

Yesterday went pretty well.  I cooked a new recipe from the clean-eating magazine website, which was pretty good.  The recipe served four, so I have some leftovers for lunch today. 

Morning win: I just got an email that said that there were brownies in the break room (my recent state of overload has made brownies acceptable all the time – FYI) and I read it, deleted and thought, I don’t even want a brownie.  I got my sweet on with my breakfast this morning which consisted of a quest bar, and a muscle milk light, leftover from last weekend’s race for the cure swag bag.  It was pretty good.

SO yes, this morning’s breakfast was those two things, and I felt pretty good about them. 

I had a long talk with my friend Carol.  She is on Spark, but I don’t think she has a sparkpage or blog or anything.  I referred her to it and told her it was what I used to track all of my calories and stuff.  She likes it so far.  But we were talking about my struggle last night.  I helped her figure out what would help her and now she is my accountability partner.  Because she is struggling too.  It is easier to have a partner who understands.  Leah gets me too though.

The difference between the two is that Carol has been in the super –bad, binge on ice cream state, and I am not sure that Leah has.  I need them both to hold me to the high standards that I hold myself to.  And I am working hard to remind myself of what my goals are.  I am going to start tracking my intake a little differently.  I am going to ask myself how I feel when I eat.  I know they say that you should do this, and I cannot believe I have never done it before.  Maybe it will help me to tackle some of the demons that I have been working through constantly since I began trying to get a handle on myself and come to terms with the fact that eating is actually important and is FUEL for your body to run as it is supposed to!

So I am taking notes on how I feel.  We’ll see if doing it for a week (or something!) can help me figure this all out.  I am ready to be back to myself, which means HEALTHY and eating right!

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Another day to try and figure it out…

I received a comment yesterday that I never seemed happy whenever I talked about the competition.  You might be right…  I don’t know.  It felt like something I needed to do for me to prove to myself that I COULD do it, that I am that strong. 

I think competing is MORE about the physique that I wish to obtain and be known for, and less about actually competing.  It is more about being a visible winner, when I really haven’t ever been a winner before.  I mean, I think that the whole thing is that I want to be great at something.  I have honestly always been “fair” to “good” at a lot of things.  And since I love fitness and health so much, I thought that maybe I could be great. 

I feel like everyone has something that they are great at, and for me, it can’t just be drinking coffee.  I have to be great at something OTHER than that, right?

At least that is how I am feeling and also what I have been hoping for over the last several months.  Ok, several years.  I have struggled with ME as a person and who I am and what I want out of life.  I mean, its everything about me.  My career, my relationships, everything.  I guess in 2011 I have made strides toward the right things for me.  I got married to the person who is better suited for me than I ever thought ANYONE could be.  That’s something.  That is the life progress that I have made this year, I guess.

So I am spending this week not going crazy in my food choices or anything, but trying to find that balance.  I know HOW to eat healthy, its just that I have been over the top for so long, it is just crazy!  If I can figure out how to just eat good whole foods and enjoy them, the deprivation feeling will go, I think.  If I can like them and feel happy with what I am eating then I won’t have to worry about it anymore.  I will just naturally make the right choices. 

That’s my goal, that’s my hope.  Will I compete someday?  I like to think yes.  I feel like I need and want that validation that I am good enough. 

One SMALL goal – I am going to do the 30 day shred.  For 30 days.  In a row.  I haven’t done that before.  And I definitely have 20 minutes per day to dedicate to that little workout.  I am starting that on October 1.  Here we go!

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

The entry to figure it out…

Well, to make a long story short, I have a stress fracture in my foot and I have been confined to a boot.  I kind of knew it was coming, as it had been hurting me for more than 6 weeks, and I was just trying to get through the wedding and then a few races before I went to the doctor.  I pretty much had no interest in the doc telling me that I could not run in the Hudephol 14K Brewery Run, which was the race I had been looking forward to for months, and was my longest race to date (14K or 8.68 miles).  I really wanted to run, so I avoided the doctor for 2 weeks before my wedding as well as a month afterward.  And I am reward with this lovely fashion accessory.

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Lovely, right?  At least it is one of those ones with the rubber bottom so I can walk on it.  My doctor gave me permission to continue to work out if I wanted to “keep my physique” (he said it, not me!) but I had to do non-impact exercises.  The elliptical is ok, bike is fine, weights in general are ok, but probably things like leg press, lunges, and squats are out.  Lame. 

But it could be worse, I know that.  So I am just going to look on the bright side of all of this, and try and make the most out of things while this thing is attached to me.  And until I have my new running shoe inserts, which I have to get in order to prevent this from happening to me again!

Well, I am in it for 6 weeks.  The Monster Mash (competition that I was planning on entering) is in less than 5.  I will still be in a boot rather than clear plastic heels.  Darn it.  That’s out for me then.  Its kind of weird to think that something that I have been working toward since April is no longer an option for me.  I mean, its not like it is out forever, but it is out for now, and there isn’t a whole lot of time for competing in December, so it might be out until spring.  And I was planning on using spring for running.  And summer for a triathlon?  Hmmm…

So now I am thinking about new stuff, new goals and what is next for this goal oriented gal. 

On Sunday night I weighed in.  I saw the highest weight I have EVER seen on a scale when I was standing on it.  EVER.  I gotta be honest, definite meltdown.  I tried hard not to react too much, but it still sucked.  It was at that point that I realized that I would never be ready to compete anyway, and actually talked to my friend Leah about getting on board as my new coach.  I have been feeling frustrated and left behind from the girls that were working with my coach locally (for him) and that I was not necessarily at the top of his priority list.  That + the high scale number meant I needed to explore other options. 

So Leah is completely on board to help.  Her first thoughts were to relax a little.  I am very intense these days when it comes to my diet and my workouts.  Everything has been extremely structured around the competition and what I needed to happen and wanted to happen.  And the obsession surrounding it has almost made things worse.  Meaning.  I know I am not allowed to have ice cream.  But then I want ice cream, so then I eat an obscene amount of ice cream because I cannot stop thinking about it.

So Monday, Tuesday, and today, I have been mindful in my eating, but I have not really thought too much about it.  Okay, as usual, Type A Emily – that’s a lie.  Last night made me feel like a train wreck.  In fact, I text Leah in the car on my way home even though it was 11 pm to tell her what a failure I was.  I had my dinner nice and thought through.  Something that sounded good to me, but that was not going to overturn my world and make me feel like I ended up feeling.  I had plans for a side salad and a cup of chili.  Apparently the chili was supposed to be pretty hearty, so sounded like a meal to me.  You know – a pick 2 kind of thing at a deli for lunch. 

J disagreed.  Told me that clearly my plan was not a meal.  And somehow, I managed to be bullied (??) into eating what he wanted instead of what I planned.  Ok, now I know that I was not bullied, and I know that he probably didn’t even need to do much to convince me that it was a good idea to share two big appetizers.  It is, after all, what we usually do when we go out to eat at that place.  But I am definitely upset with myself for letting him tell me that I was wrong.  I should have just been adamant about what I wanted.  So we end up splitting the soft pretzels and an order of chicken nachos.  I do not have any beer (small victories?) but when he decides we’re having dessert, I cave.  And I pretty much split the cinnamon donut holes with caramel dipping sauce with him.  And the guilt set in almost immediately. 

We went to see a show after that.  We have season tickets to the Broadway Series here.  Beauty and the Beast was the first show of this season.  (The season for the Broadway series works like a school year.  Starts in September) Technically our tickets were for next Tuesday night, but Tom (my boss) had his season tickets for the first week of the show, so we switched this time since he was unable to attend last night.   Our seats are pretty comparable so that was not a big deal.  The family that is going to be sitting next to him for the rest of the season is pretty nice as well, I chatted with them a moment to let them know that we were NOT going to be the ones sitting next to them for the rest of the year. 

The point of this was to set new goals, and to be honest, I am more torn up and confused than ever!  If you were in my shoes, what would you do?

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Recap & Plans–(Whole Paychex is involved…)

Well, yesterday was a successful low carb day.  Woo hoo!  Thank goodness.  And today is a lifting/HIIT/high carb day.  I have been doing a lot of my HIIT workouts on the stepmill lately, but I am feeling the need for a change today.  Enter google. 

So I found something new.  I decided to keep to the step mill since I am really trying to refrain from running and I have already biked twice this week (with another one scheduled for tomorrow morning!) I ended up using the body for life HIIT method, which works out to 17 minutes.  It was tough!  

So the idea, in case you are not familiar with it is to do three 4 minute intervals with a 5 minute interval on the end. (Hence, 17 minutes).  So if you are thinking on a scale of 10, with 10 being the absolute fastest that you can run, your first three intervals go like this:
1 minutes @ level 6
1 minutes @ level 7
1 minutes @ level 8
1 minutes @ level 9
And for your 4th interval, you will do 1 minute at level 10.  Holy smokes it is rough!  At level 10 you will be gasping for air almost immediately. 

So taking that baseline plan, I was going to make it work for my stepmill.  I think you need to do this indoors, as tracking your speed on the track enough to give you 5 tough intervals will be tough.  So I hit the stepmill after dressing and hammered out the following 20 minute workout:
1 minute @ level 6
1 minute @ level 8
1 minute @ level 10
1 minute @ level 12
repeat 4 times
1 minute @ level 14
3 minutes @ level 5
Trust me.  It was killer.  I was sweating, having a tough time breathing, and my quads were SCREAMING at me.

By the way – its Thursday now, and I obviously started writing this post yesterday.  So at 5 am I had the bike ride that I talked about above.  It was a little slower than my first two rides of the week, but my quads are still a little bit sore following yesterdays workout.  But it was still pretty good and I went about 9.5 miles in the 45 minutes I was on the bike.  So I am fairly pleased with my results.

I have been writing thank you notes constantly.  I try and get a few more written everyday.  Right now, I am out of notes and out of stamps.  Looks like a post office trip and a trip to half price books to buy more notes will be in order this weekend.  J is playing golf on Saturday, so that should give me some time to get a few things done that I can never seem to get done when he is around.

Here is what I am planning for Saturday since I think I will be alone all day.
1. run Race for the Cure in the morning.  This was my very first 5K 2 years ago, so I decided I am running it come hell or high water (or foot with a stress fracture).  I haven’t run all week since the Hudy because of the foot, but this race should be cake!
2. Stop at post office and half price books to purchase thank you note related items.
3. Home/shower/less gross clothes
4. flip through cookbooks/internet to plan 2 new recipes to cook next week and figure out the other couple of nights at dinner
5. make grocery lists around planned meals
6. GROCERY SHOP – this will involve a trip to Whole Foods to stock up on pantry items with my living social deal (on the list there: spelt flour, balsamic vinegar, some bulk bin buys, maybe some produce – I am looking for fresh cranberries!) and a trip to kroger
7. eat lunch (I might get a salad at Whole Foods)
8. polish off thank you notes
9. STUDY!  I have my next exam in 2 weeks!  I really need to pass this one after the last FAIL!
10. Cook some dinner
11. Sleepover with the puppies!  Teek is having a little friend come over on Saturday night to have a slumber party!  Ok, we’re dog sitting for Reagan, but I think it is way more fun to consider it a slumber party!

I think at the sleepover we’ll get in bed early and watch Teen Mom and cooking shows.  That sounds absolutely IDEAL to me! :-)

Yesterday after my stepmill workout, I had my annual review.  It is really hard to believe I have been here for more than a year already!  My review kept getting pushed back, which is why I didn’t have it until yesterday, and I had been here for a year on August 2.  I am admittedly (and I admitted this to my boss and everything!) a little gun shy about reviews.  After my annual review at BD (which was NOT GOOD) I was let go only a few days later.  Needless to say, I was full of butterflies when 2:30 pm rolled around and Tom and I were walking into the conference room.

But as I learn and reconfirm daily – there is really something to be said for working in a job that you like.  :-) I had a very successful review.  There were a few things that I have to improve on (of course!) a few things that I do really well, etc, but I was above average on everything that we looked at! I also got my merit increase, which takes me up a little further, which is a nice thing.  So I am very proud of myself, not to mention pleased with the outcome.  So now I have another year of working hard!

Today is another low carb day which I started with some egg whites.  Now that I am not eating them everyday, it is becoming a little bit easier to eat them!  I made them into a sammie with some turkey, a smidge of cheese and popped it on a toasted Arnold sandwich thin.  Pretty good, very filling.  Yes there were carbs, but in reality, I have a bit of an easier time with low carb day than high, so some first thing in the morning whole grains helped tide me over until lunch!

Tonight J and I have tickets to a football game at our alma mater – the University of Cincinnati!  We are going with a few of J’s college friends.  It is actually the same couple that we hung out with at the Sugar Bowl a few New Years Eve’s ago.  It should be a great time!

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

motivation needed–and exams

Well, yesterday was an experiment.  All of you know that I have been struggling since I returned from my honeymoon.  I even got a new plan in hopes that it would help!  Yeah…  still struggling…

So yesterday I decided that I was going to suck it up, and see what my body could do on its own, and eat minimally.  And force myself to stick with it.

So I did it.  I don’t want to go into details, suffice to say I underate yesterday, but I was planning on doing that.  It kind of made up for all of the overeating that I have been doing since my wedding! 

Today I am trying to use that motivation that I created for myself yesterday and turn it into a good food day.  What I have planned so far is definitely on track, so that is a positive if nothing else.  Now I just need to stick with that plan.  Its strange, but lower carb days are easier for me as I feel more in control on those days then on the days when I eat higher carbs.  Does that make sense  at all?

Let’s be honest, life has kind of been a struggle after my return.  I just can’t seem to get anything together.  I haven’t done ANY studying, even though I have completely finished another section of my class.  I have a test in just a few weeks. 

Speaking of tests, I got my scores back on the first one.  A big fat fail.  That figures. I am very upset about it, I have to be honest.  I worked harder on that first exam than I have ever worked on a test before, whether it was high school, college, SAT, or the CPA prior to now.  so I am not sure what else I can do in order to do better on the test than what I have already done.

Yes, its true.  I am thisclose to giving up.

Friday, September 16, 2011

Weird, no change.

I am now going into Day 2 of my new plan which includes carb cycling.  Yesterday was a low-carb, cardio only kind of day.  Today I lifted my new plan and it is a high carb day.  Normally I might do some kind of cardio on Fridays as well, but tomorrow I am going to be running for just under 9 miles (14K) so I figure I should take the day off today, run tomorrow and be off on Sunday.  Then Monday starts the full program as prescribed.  That means HIIT on Mondays and Fridays, steady-state cardio on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays (Tuesdays and Thursdays will be running) and lifting on Monday Wednesday Friday.

So here is this morning’s lifting that I did.

Leg press: 3x15, 200 lbs
Walking lunges: 3x15, 22
Leg curls (wow, I suck at these): 3x15, 40
Shoulder press: 3x15, 35
Lat Pulldown: 3x15, 70
Incline press: 3x15, 35
Cable row: 3x15, 60
over head tricep press: 3x15, 25
Hammer curls: 3x15, 30
Cable ab crunches: 3x20, 50

I think I can do better, and so I am going to try for better next Friday when I do this workout again!  There are some that I gave it everything I had, and others where…  maybe not.  So I need to go for it if I am going to be where I think I need to be in order to compete!

After a week of eating well, and I have everyday this week, even when I didn’t want to (I really wanted ice cream after date night on Tuesday!) I am starting to drop some water, I think.  Thank goodness!  I do not know that I will get to where I want to be in 6 weeks.  Right now, my countdown on my phone says 43 days.  6 weeks from now, I could potentially be getting a spray tan.  Yikes!  I have no idea.  And if I can’t?  I am not sure what will happen.  I am not sure HOW I will react to it.  I honestly have kind of been dedicating my life to cleaning up my diet, working out at 5 am every day, and not drinking (much) since April FOR THIS!

Its kind of a weird conundrum.  I have been working hard.  SO HARD.  I have been lifting heavier and more often than I have in my life.  I have been eating better than ever before.  I have cut out alcohol nearly all of the time, and won’t be having any from now until the show.  And yet, I feel like I haven’t seen too huge of a change in my body.  I am not sure what is wrong with me and why I am not getting the big changes to be ready to compete.  Yes, I did take a break, more or less, to go on my honeymoon, but shit, with how hard I was working before that I would have thought there would have been more changes BEFORE that. 

I may be calling for reinforcements in the form of Stephanie and Frankie. 

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

New plan

I received my new diet numbers in an email, at the time that I heard I would.  When Coach and I last chatted, he said, “I will probably be hitting send on your diet as you are getting up and starting your first cup of coffee.”  At 4:50 am, when my alarm goes off, I check email on my phone on my way downstairs (pre-gym).  As I am scrolling through email, I receive one from Coach. Smile I love the precision.  So today I am just having a “normal” day.  1350 calories, 120 protein, 132 carbs, 37 fat.  After today we start to cycle.  Cycle numbers look like this:

Weight training days (M W F):
1600 Calories
150 Protein
190 Carbs
27 Fat

Non-Weight days ( T T S S)
1250 Calories
150 Protein
85 Carbs
34 Fat

Now remember, I am competing in just 6 weeks, so I have a TON of work to do.  Honestly, this looks do-able to me.  So hopefully I get the results that I need to be comfortable onstage from it.  Right now, I am not comfortable.  You would think a few days of drinking would lead to some water weight, sure, but you would also think that once the drinking STOPPED (which it has) then the water would go.  Maybe its NOT water weight, and that scares me.  I have lost one pound this week.  I was kind of hoping for that big back-on-the-bandwagon whoosh but no.  So I have about 6 lbs to lose before I am at my pre-wedding weight.  Scary.  And definitely difficult.

I have a long way to go.  I am really hoping that cycling is going to get me there.  Once, I thought I might place.  Now I feel like I will be lucky to have the confidence to stand up there! Sad smile

Monday, September 12, 2011

Trying to Stay Positive

Well, I suppose it was time to get back into writing.  I have missed it, but I just have not had too much time since I returned from my wedding & honeymoon.  I have been struggling to get my life back to normal since I have returned, and honestly that has put a crazy amount of stress on me. 

I hate feeling a loss of control in any sense, and when I am only 6 weeks out from my first competition, I am feeling even more lost. 

But I want to keep this positive and upbeat, so I will say that I had a really good breakfast this morning.  I scrapped everything that I had been doing and made myself some overnight oats.  Protein powder, Greek yogurt, old fashioned oats, a little peanut butter.  It was tasty.  I figured if I could start the day off 100% on the right track, it would be easier to stay that way, right?

First off, one more wedding picture.  Edited in picnik to give it the “softness.”  This is my friend Leah’s favorite, and I have to admit, it is a super pretty picture, even if you can’t see us.  The fact that you cannot see us is what kind of disqualifies it as one of my favorites.

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Jason and I went to Cancun for our honeymoon.  I have not yet posted any pictures of that, unless you are friends with me on facebook.  If you are, then you have seen them.  I am just going to add a few here.

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This is the view out our hotel room window.  We overlooked the pool and the ocean.  I have never in my life seen water so blue except in the movies.  And in the movies, I never knew if it was real or not.

 

 

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J and I on a lounge chair at the beach.  He looks really good in this picture.  Me, not so much, but he rarely can smile this good in a picture, so I felt the need to include it.

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The first beers of the trip.

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We had an amazing time.  I don’t think J will hesitate to vacation in Mexico again like he did BEFORE this trip.  (He was worried about drugs and kidnapping). 

I cannot WAIT for another vacation.  2 months until Vegas!