Thursday, August 22, 2013

Being a Mom - Overwhelming

Sorry for the spotty posting lately. I am very overwhelmed with this whole "being a new mom" thing. Because I am nursing, we are not doing a binky or anything for her, so let's be honest... she cries...  a lot.... during the day. It gives me anxiety like I am doing something wrong. I know that eventually this will get better (I hope), but for right now, I feel pretty stressed out with her crying all the time. She does ok at night, which I am pleased with, but at the same time, I just feel so much anxiety when I hear that little voice.

There are some good things though. We went back to the doctor on Wednesday for another weight check. She made HUGE progress since last Friday, which was the last time we went. She weight 6 lbs 8 ounces at birth. In those first two days at the hospital, she dropped down to 6 lbs when we were discharged. On Tuesday of last week, she was up to 6 lbs 4 ounces. Then we had her up a little more to 6 lbs 5.5 ounces on Friday. So gaining, but still not back to birth weight. So we plug on, feedings every two hours, day and night, and let's be honest... That is exhausting. It is not two hours from when I finish feeding, it's two hours from when I start. Night time has been tough for us. I am up and down all night. Although nursing means J doesn't have to get up too often in the middle of the night, I am sure that he wakes up when I wake up. How could he not? I am in and out of bed all night!

But we went back to the doctor for yet another weight check on Wednesday. After surviving the weekend and a lot of feeding time (and some occasional stress when she might not want to eat!) I was feeling nervous to go to the doctor. But then when they weighed her... she came in at 6 lbs 12 oz! So not only did we get back to birth weight, but we exceeded it! And so I was given the go-ahead to sleep more at night. And I am considering that a huge win. So now I have to feed her every 4 hours at night. That definitely gets me more sleep at night and Wednesday night was the first night that I really was able to try and take advantage of it.

I am still completely overwhelmed though. Having my mom here for a few days was great, however, I am really feeling spoiled by having her here. Now that she is gone, I am feeling pretty down in the dumps, not to mention worried about EVERYTHING. I just hate the idea of thinking that she is crying all the time and there is nothing I can do about it to make her feel any better. It just breaks my heart. And yes, she is pretty fussy when she is not feeding or sleeping, even if everything else is squared away (meaning, she is clean and dry, she just ate, etc). It really upsets me every time I hear that little crack in her crying.

Are all of these things normal? Probably. However, I sure do not feel any better about it. Getting a little workout, even if it is just Addie and I going for a walk, everyday definitely helps. I just don't feel like myself. Feeling not like me can definitely make it more difficult to be a good mom, I am afraid.

I think I am just ... scared...

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