First of all, this is an update about me, not an update about Addie. I will reflect on her being 4 months old pretty soon. But I feel like it will be important to look at how I am feeling about all of this, and our relationship as a unit.
Let's do a reflection on the last nearly 4 months. Addie will be 4 months old in approximately 1 week. And I have spent those 4 months attached to her in all possible ways. Nursing, hugging her, loving on her, snuggles, and mentally attached. I have learned that she knows my face and knows my voice. I am her momma, and one of my most favorite things is going in there in the morning when she is ready to wake up for the day. She is awake in her bed, but happy, just waiting for someone to come in to feed and change her. When I go in there, she is still swaddled up in her blanket. I peek over into her crib, she smiles and scrunches herself up, which to me seems like a bodily reaction to my appearance. I love it!
Anyway, moving on...
We will start with my body. That is where I struggle the most. Currently, I sit between 5-7 lbs over my normal, comfortable, happy weight. It makes a much bigger difference in my clothes. My regular jeans do not fit at all in the waist. All 5-7 lbs definitely resides in my waist and hips. It is all soft, it is all fat. And I am not comfortable with it. I know that I am struggling to get it off most likely because of the nursing stuff. In reality I am doing everything that I can do in order to drop it as far as food and exercise.
The worst of it is that none of my clothes fit. Tops are ok, but jeans? I have a pair from Target that I pretty much live in. And they are huge in the legs. So I just deal with it for now. At least they button unlike my previous jeans. Now, I am not giving up on this, because I need to feel comfortable (we'll get to the mental side of things) with myself, and I think clothes that fit can greatly improve this. So that is what I am asking for from Addie and J for Christmas. New clothes.
So onto my mental state....
It improves greatly all the time. I love that baby and my family an incredible amount, which absolutely improves how I am feeling about things. It has been a true shift from the selfish Emily before her birth to someone who never wants to be without her. Admittedly, when other folks who were similar to me prior to babies had them, they changed their attitudes and their selfishness to become dedicated to these children, to their families. And that seemed, crazy, intense to me... but now, now that I am going through it myself, I completely understand. Something that I denied to one of my besties (even as recently as Addie being 4 weeks old), was that I would live for this child. And as tough as that is to admit, it is true now.
Mentally, I am all over being a mom. I love my Addie so much.
Other side of the mental stuff? I am struggling with the mental side of feeling like me. I have so much new stuff going on being a mom. I am completely unable to look toward what I need for myself. I am the final priority in my life right now, which is ok, but it is mentally difficult. I know that I need to put myself in the background though, I am just trying to figure out how I can manage like that.
Any advice out there?