I know that I already wrote an entry today, but I really want to write about what happened last night while it is still fresh in my mind. It was a good night for Addie's sleeping, but not a great night for mom and dad. That stinks since she slept so well.
Miss Addie woke up around 1:30, par for the course, I got up and fed her, changed her diaper and got her back down to sleep. It was all normal and how our nights go. She went right back to sleep and snuggled into her swaddle. I went back to bed, it was around 2:15 am. I was out almost immediately.
Only 15 minutes later, J and I both woke up with a start. The mobile over Addie's bed was playing music. It is a wind up thing, and I did not wind it up. It really scared us. I shot out of bed, staring at the video monitor. I didn't see anything weird, but I was still scared, so J went in there to check on her. He checked behind the door, in the closet, under her bed. No one. He checked the spare room. Nothing. He and the dogs went downstairs. No one. He rebolted all of the doors and came back to bed.
While I feel like at that point I knew we were safe, etc, I still COULD NOT go back to sleep. I stared at the monitor for another hour and a half after that. Every time she kicked or made a noise I got out of bed to look more closely. I went into her room 2 more times to check and just make sure she was still there.
My desire to be Addie's mom might have been wavering throughout my pregnancy. I struggled A LOT with my emotions when Addie was first born. I felt like I lost who I was, who I always wanted to be when she first arrived.
I feel guilty now for ever feeling that way. I cannot believe that I ever felt that way. I want to apologize to the universe for the struggles that I had going into motherhood. Addie is the most important thing in my life. My family means more to me than anything. It makes me a little sad that it took a scary situation for me to admit it (although I definitely got there more than a month ago, I just haven't really owned up to it yet!), but this little girl is the top priority in my life, and I would not have it any other way.