Friday, October 23, 2015

Chicago DNF - My Mental State

I promised a post on my mental state after Chicago. When I reviewed the race, I purposefully did not talk about much of my time in the med tent or the race aftermath PRIOR to us heading over to Wicker Park to meet up with John. That is for two reasons:
1. I wanted to write this post.
2. I am STILL reviewing everything in my mind. Even now.

Taking this bib off before reaching the finish line did a number on my psyche.

As I sat in the med tent, laying down on a little cot after drinking half of my bottle of gatorade and having all of my vital signs taken, the excitement of that started to subside and I started to think. I was QUITTING. I was dropping out of a race that I dedicated myself to back in May when I was just coming off a PR in Toledo and also in a boot! I started crying, almost uncontrollably from my cot and pulled my heat sheet over my face because I knew the doctors would want to make sure that I was ok if I was crying and it was hard to admit that it was because I was just so MAD that this happened and disappointed in myself (yes, I know, I listened to my body, I should be disappointed in the SITUATION, not myself...) for being where I was after I worked so hard and fought back after lots of mental hurdles to get there.

When J arrived at the med tent it was a little better. I was able to calm myself down, at least a little bit, and I was able to convince the doctors that fluids would help me and I did not need to go back to the starting line in a vehicle and see the doctors there. (Claustrophobia did not even cross my mind until two days or so later). I stood up, off my cot with a doctor on one side and J on the other - apparently they were more worried about me falling than I was - and was able to walk back down Wells with J.

He convinced me to stop at Whole Foods on our walk back so we could get some snacks. I got myself a tub of honeydew melon and a kind bar to make sure that I got enough to eat since I would not be at the finish line. I was relatively silent during all of this, mostly I was trying to keep myself from crying. I knew that at any moment I might burst into tears, and I was trying to avoid that as best as I could. I was really upset, but sometimes I know that J gets irritated when I am upset about things that are outside of my control and this is one of those things...

After purchasing food (and beer) at Whole Foods, we walked back to the hotel where J started a steaming hot shower for me. I found some surprise chafe (the worst kind of chafe) and sat in the shower on the floor for about 45 minutes crying. I allowed myself that. I allowed myself the time to sit and hang out and mope. I admittedly moped a bit before we left to meet John (I laid in bed while J did some work) but then I tried to get over it, at least not talk about it.

I am approaching two weeks post-race now. I am still not 100% over it, but I am back on the training bandwagon, and I have HIGH hopes to still get there.
Somehow.

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