This entry is just going to be a word salad. No pictures, but I have a lot of thoughts that I need to get out of my head regarding some work things... Expect a few more of these on the topic of my job over the next few weeks because I think I have some stuff to figure out...
So I think I have mentioned several times over the last few weeks that I did not get the job, and I wanted to talk a little bit more about it, but I was not feeling ready.
Honestly, I am not sure that I will ever be ready to really talk about it, but I think that it will likely be good for me to write down how I am feeling about it even though it might come out a little bit jumbled here. I am hopeful that it well help me deal with the emotions that I have been feeling regarding this, and maybe allow me to deal with it a little bit better.
So a little bit over two weeks ago, my boss asked me to have lunch with him. Kind of knowing what was coming, I agreed. And by knowing what was coming, I mean, I knew he was going to want to talk about the interview. I had no idea what it meant as far as results. So the other guy that we work for as a team (don't ask, we have a weird reporting structure), took the rest of the team out for lunch. I told Rick I was in the mood for a burger, so we went over to Smashburger. It happened to be a pretty nice day, so after we ordered our food, we headed outside to enjoy.
The good thing about Rick is that he pulls no punches. As soon as we sat down, he said something along the lines of "I thought this lunch could serve a dual purpose... It can be to review the interview from earlier this week, and serve as your annual review" (our review period is in March so we can do raises/bonuses after we have final results from the prior year). And after I agreed, he went right in to telling me that I did not get the position (FYI - at this point, they have hired someone else, at that point, they were sending out her offer on that day).
Obviously, I am thankful for his candor. And my review pretty much went as expected. I mean, it went really really well. I knew that I pretty much nailed it last year. And that was what he said. I mean, obviously there are things to work on, but there always are, and none of what he said was a surprise to me. So anyway... let's move on from that, and let's focus on my feelings about the job.
I think I did a good job of keeping a smile on my face when I was talking at my review. Inside, I wanted to cry. Big time. I might have taken a bit of time to try and figure out if this was something that I wanted, but once I came to terms with that, I was all in. I worked my ass off over the last few years, that while training for races and being a brand new mom. I have put more into my work here than I ever did before, and that was while trying to do other things and compared to a very different life that I had in my public accounting days. I mean, running, marriage, a kiddo... that did not even cross my mind in previous jobs.
When Rick and I were done talking, he told me I could go home if I needed to because he assumed I was feeling more emotional than I was showing... He was right, of course, but I told him, "no, I am ok. I just need to power through." Which was partially true, the other part was that if I went home, I was going to have to pick up Addie. And while I love her, I was unlikely to get the good cry and thoughts that I might need if she was with me.
Now, 2.5 weeks later, I am kind of still processing it. Admittedly, I am angry as hell. I am really sad. I am feeling incredibly uncertain about my future where work is concerned. But at the same time, I am feeling a little bit of relief? I know that it might seem weird. But I am almost feeling in some ways like that is giving me permission to step back. I worked my ass off to get a promotion, and then I didn't. Does that mean I can sit back and accept my position as it is and relax a little?
I think the answer to that is YES, if I am ok with that. And that is where I am feeling the struggle. I do not know if I am ok with just moving on and not wanting to move up. And the biggest problem is, I am not sure if I am having issues with that because of a true desire to be promoted, or just the feeling of "should".
Do you deal with "shoulds" in your life and career? How do you handle it?